Thursday, May 27, 2010

The Stupid Star Says Silly Stuff. (say that fast 5x)

Last week's news in Malaysia has been full of flavor. The reporters must be damn syok with all the news to report. Yet, did you see what was on the front page of The Star on thursday? Early early first thing in the morning, this is what they slap on your face in HUUUGGGEEE size main page.

What the flying fuck.

Fucking Khairy Jamaluddin looking like someone was sticking it in his asshole.

Well if it was going to be anyone, based on the greatest hate-khairy factor, it'll most likely be him.

Nothing to kill limpek's mood more than cocK-hairy's tard face splattered on the front page first thing in the morning. Somemore in regards to donno what redundant bullshit story of cocKhairy toughening it out in military training for 1 month (oh, wow, how impressive... he's Navy Seal material now). Somemore what codename Terrier training. Kahnin, what's a lazy silver-spoon-overfed neutered english bulldog like him doing in a 'Terrier' training? Here's the article. Good job gahmen, for insulting the uniforms and military of Malaysia by putting it on this porkchop. Now we can really take the military seriously.

Nabeh, who the fuck cares about Khairy!? This insignificant cock-pus does NOTHING for humankind let alone Malaysians, not forgetting the supposed champion of Malay rights couldnt even speak Bahasa Malaysia when he first return. Malaysian? Even the pirate dvd ahbeng does more for the society and speak better Malay than him.

Also son-in-law of the worst performing sleepy prime minister of Malaysia and corrupted to the very bones. Eat slipper rice to the very max worming his way into power by laying the ex-PM's daughter, and then robbing the malaysians big time. Heck, people hated him enough to publish an entire book just to announce how much he is hated. Way to go cocK-hairy, you sure booked yourself an express no-connection ticket straight to hell.

Yet, The Star finds no problem in farting out this article.

Well you cant really blame those puahbais.
The Star is a piece of shit government-run newspaper full of selective reporting and propaganda messages. The Star is pwned by MCA. MCA is pwned by UMNO. And UMNO is pwned by corrupt elitist of Malaysia. So what kind of decent journalism do you expect from the Star?

Star, if you're going to ruin people's morning breakfast like that, you might as well just post this pic instead.

ohhh so steamy and nais....

Ok forget cocK-hairy Jamaluddin, lets not ruin our appetite. Did anyone see the report on this?

Chinese word got write correct ar? Limpek copy from Google Translator wan... paiseh, limpek cannot write tenang di.

Okay fine limpek mengada abit... Saja wanna add in the shock factor. Hero Donnie Yen didnt really extort from anyone and neither did the real Ip Man. But, Malaysian Wing Chun Grandmaster Extorted from Gold Trader! (click to read article)

38 years old Malaysian Wing Chun Grandmaster, lup sok goldtrader with piggypolis

Kanineh! Really so zhit tor meh?! Sifu have to go lou lup some ahbeng gold-trader and make him give RM100k? Is sifu working part time ahlong collector? Limpek somemore remember Grand Sifu Ip Man say in the movie "Chinese Kungfu is not about the physical prowess! Its about the discipline and chinese spirit of chivalry!"

Puah bai if Ip Man is here to see this ar..... gerenti kek sim! High blood pressure shoot up the roof!

Okay that was interesting and whatnot. But limpek realize though, in the whole article why is there minimal mention of that two...

Bugger look too damn sleepy to be Wing Chun Grandmaster. More like drunken fist.

Yes, limpek meant the two fat little dirty piggies in the background. Go read back the article again, and you will see what limpek mean. The only thing mentioned was their names
lieutenant corporal Abdul Rahman Mat and lieutenant corporal Mohamad Fitri Junaidi.

And besides, "The kung fu master was accused of intentionally helping
Meaning the two fat little dirty piggies were the one who tried to extort from the gold-trader. And sohai Chan was just being the police's barking dog to scare the trader.

But of course, The Star wouldnt wanna focus on anything that might make the Police look bad... They share the same slavemasters anyway. So why not just focus on the Chinese guy with the Chinese Kungfu that the Chinese are so proud of? Being used by dirty piggies just to extort money.

Limpek think this sohai Chan deserve the shame and punishment that he's getting now for being such a doggy dumbfuck, but limpek also think the two fat little dirty piggies deserve just as much coverage. With big pictures splattered on the paper and more details on who they are. What with the selective badguy targetting? Those two are the taikors of the extortion anyway right? The whole article reads as though some kungfu masters involvement with the extortion is much more important than the fact that two POLICE OFFICERS ATTEMPTED TO EXTORT.

Fuck off lah The Star.

But the problem is, there's no other decent newspaper in good circulation. New Straits Time reports garbage and Utusan Malaysia is just a racist bigot puahbai newspaper more interested in instigating Malay hatred of the Chinese more than anything else.

Besides, they're ALL owned by ruling political party agencies. So, puahbai lor, read what leh?

Limpek wanted to talk about the MIC Indian samseng 'Semi-Value' abit but wrote for too long liao. Time to go out hiao now, maybe get to see Hot Jane again tonite. Wish limpek luck. Continue tomorrow.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Singapore Blog Awards! Limpek want to go Shenzen find xiaolongnus...

As usual limpek make my nice cup of dilluted instant oldtown kopi, sit down, log in blog to reply comments and then visit gutteruncensored like a regular lazy day after work.

Quality time with kopi and ciggie... Really, little awesome moments like these sums up limpek's life.

Sekali limpek open the blog....

What the flying fuck!!

Got 100 over hits on Monday!!

Limpek thought 'siao liao, kena spam liao, hongkan liao', somemore thought maybe Chua Soi Lek found what limpek wrote about him and bomb kau my blog!

You see, although limpek so handsome like Brad Pitt but nobody read my blog wan except for the few extraordinary talented intelligent natural born killer rockstar superb readers (poh lampah kau kau). Which means usually 4-5 readers only. Nabey that's better than limpek sit in the kopitiam talk to myself. So suddenly 100 something is sibeh wrong liao.

So limpek check statcounter, see if limpek siao liao or computer siao liao. See punya see, all came from this website

Then only limpek remember! Its the Singapore Blog Awards thing!!! Last time many friends tell limpek, if no win award, where got people want to read? Got like that wan meh? Meaning if movies no win award then we shouldn't watch? If penis cannot reach 4 inch then we shouldn't fuck? How can life become like this.

But makes sense also because when choose xiaolongnu in hamsap ktv, if got win pageant before, limpek everybody also want.
So limpek go join and try see maybe can parasite a few readers there.

Look see look see all the other bloggers so serious and professional wan, limpek's blog pulak like write on kindergarden whiteboard
, somemore camera to take pics also dont have until hot ger dblchin also laugh at limpek. End up have to use windows paint to draw picture. Wah seh!!! Si beh lau kui this blog!!!

But nevermind la, limpek talk to you in kopitiam, of course it wont feel like Starbucks la. Hua hee dio ho mah.

Then limpek realize got one e-mail from one Mr. Alvin Lim from Marketing of Singapore Press Holdings wan. Sound like a very important man from a serious big company. So limpek also abit nervous. Actually the e-mail few days already, but because it got mixed with all the porno website mails limpek completely missed it. Alvin, sorry ha havent reply but its not because limpek guai lan. If your title reads "Goldfish uncle, steady liao, your blog kena nominate, oon oon eat bee hoon liao!" then limpek wouldnt have miss it. Instead your title so formal limpek automatically didnt read. Hahaha. Plus all the junkmail never delete, limpek really shouldnt give out e-mail to porno websites so much.

So bearer-of-great-news Alvin Lim say limpek is nominated! Limpek dont really understand but sounds like a good thing! Somemore he say if win liao can get to go Hong Kong wan! Wahpiang! Hong Kong somemore can take dragonboat! Limpek think ask them to drop me off the boat at Shenzhen... then.... xiao long nus... Limpek is coming homeee~~!!! (think liao also teary-eyed). Limpek suddenly really want to win.

Then limpek started thinking, how is that possible leh? How can limpek get nominated when new readers also dont have. Limpek check the hit statistics, still only limpek's beloved 4-5 readers. No one new. But to be honest limpek love the 4-5 readers because they keep refreshing the page until the counter so high, can pretend as if got alot of people read. Hahaha kamsia kamsia, you puahbais are the best.

Then of course occasionally got the random accidental visit from some people googling to buy Goldfish. Sorry ha, Goldfish Uncle dont sell goldfish, only bring u to see them. And then also got accidental visits from some very sampat people googling for 'Daniel Wu Cock'.

Now seriously, what the fuck? Since when limpek know anything about Daniel Wu's Cock?

Then there's those googling for "Hymen Pics Blogspot".


Limpek also dont know what to say. (Tobby, I know its you... please get off the internet)

So these sums up the total visitors in Goldfishuncle blog. So how can there be any votes for limpek at all?

Then limpek recalled something Goodnews Alvin said. On the judging points, 30% comes from public voters and 70% comes from the panel of judges. Since they probably force the judges to read the participants blogs (if not how to judge) and limpek doesnt have readers, then theres only one conclusion!

Limpek’s points must have come from the judges!!!

WAHAHAHA suddenly limpek also feel very happy. Ever since small kid, all the competition/contest/lucky draw judges only know how to fuck limpek. Just because limpek is abit more handsome and got big Gojira then they want to fail limpek in everything!

Drawing contest don’t want to let limpek win, say my lion look like flower and my flower look like nipple. Singing contest say limpek never brush teeth so must forfeit. Colouring contest say limpek colour people all black colour, not nice… kaninehhhh puahbai racist!

stupid kindergarden judge got no eye for abstract art

So for the first time in limpek's life, got judges actually root for limpek. Limpek also feel kam-tong until want to cry. Finally didnt kena fuck. But maybe because the judges dont really believe limpek actually very handsome and got big Gojira? In that case limpek better not let them know.

But then limpek see, aiya cehh, actually havent win anything also. Somemore got 9 more blogs! Somemore top 3 already chosen. Puahhbaaiii!! Somemore limpek see the 9 blogs, wahlaoeh! all corour here corour there, line here line there, fly here fly there, kahnineh! Like IKEA catalog! So professional!!! Limpek go visit also feel like Suzuki 2nd hand kapcai dealer visiting Ferrari showroom!

Somemore all blog so many years liao, always consistent posting. All got dont know what advertisement here and there, follower here and there. Limpek only got 1 hot ger subscriber! But dblchin is like Zhao Zelong can beat 1000 of their followers. Somemore they so semangat, rally here rally there. Promote here promote there. Limpek try to vote for myself also give up already because have to create account and then forget password.
Somemore limpek dont really like self-promotion. Feels like those puahbai BN politicians always only know how to bruff others say until like ownself very superior.

Then got so many fancy characters with fancy blogs... transgender also got, angmoh local also got, ladyboy also got, cartoon cat also got, funny fatboy also got... where can win anymore. Maybe if limpek start fucking animals and then claim to blog as the Diary of Bestiality can be fancy enough?

Actually if limpek is the judge limpek will vote for
Kelvin's kacang blog. Simple, not pretentious, doesnt feel like trying too hard for attention, honest, and always entertaining. Kacang Kelvin shouldve joined... sure can win. But Kelvin's last post talk about snuffnang so limpek hope he wont sell-out.

But limpek still want to get free trip to find my Xiao Long Nus in shenzen. So limpek wanted to put up a fight. Limpek's plan is very simple. Since limpek's vote probably is from judges, limpek will go tackle the judges. So limpek do research on the website and found the judges info. Limpek think the judges all very famous or rich or influential people wan. Limpek is only a chao uncle so how will limpek know these famous people? If you ask limpek who to call for Korean nehneh in Damansara hamsap ktv then limpek will know la. So limpek have to shoot blindly going by the photos only.

Got 9 judges total. At first look, limpek also abit scared liao feel like last time headmaster do spot-check on class and limpek hide porno vcd inside underwear. Limpek dont know why they look so professional and serious... or just constipation.

Mr Kelvin Tong is the first one. Straightaway limpek lose half the confidence because Mr Tong look like can eat people. You see his portrait also dont want to smile. Meaning 'fuck you not free dont come kacau me'. His face also very angry, keep reminding limpek of spartan.
Limpek really dont know how to handle this one.

Ms Kuo Jian Hong look like those very artistic intelligent type... often dont want to say much but then inside head think too much. This kind of eccentric artiste, if limpek say anything also will sound stupid to her. So limpek will just keep quiet. And stoning there stare at wall. Then maybe she will think limpek is intelligent also?

Ms Anna Lim. WHOAH!! HOT GER JUDGE!!! No need say much. Got vote no vote also limpek want to marrry her. You got see the smile... eyes can become crescent shape wan? KAWAIINEHHH

Ms. Xiao Han, another hot ger! She is famous lyricist so limpek will compose a One Night In Shenzhen song with the background music of Mamula Moon and mumbling style of Jay Chou to impress her. Then can get her vote.

Mr. Uzyn Chua. This one from the looks, gerenti cheongster! His name already Uzi the sub-machinegun. Limpek go cheong with him, tekan nehneh kacau ahmoi, sure steady wan Uzi. Limpek's type of hamsap kaki.

Samuel Ng and Walter Lim. These two are my favorites. They look like my favorite kind of cheongsters. Good old fashion chikopek. From the ngan san (eye aura) limpek already can feel the cheong spirit. You see Walter's expression... doesnt it say "Jom kia liao! Now now now! Neh neh waiting!". No? This is two happening cheongster wan trust limpek.

Danny Yeo and Josh Lim. These two limpek dowan to go cheong with. You see they game-face until so kaulat, dress up so killer, if go cheong with them means end of night limpek go home masturbate alone. See the pattern also you know they will tapao all the ahmois already... very tulan these people wan.

So how? you think limpek got chance with the judges? Kanineh got time go vote for limpek and send limpek to Hong Kong lah. Limpek can feel the xiaolongnus waiting for me leh. Dont everyday only know how to surf Gutter Uncensored. Really puahbai


Monday, May 24, 2010

Don't play play! E-mail as modern business communication tool. Very serious consultations men do online.


Its true limpek actually discussed this together with Weeman before. Limpek got a friend that open a few studios in K.L to teach dancing wan, so she knows alot of rich aunties. She say those rich aunties very rich and horny but nobody want to accompany. The husbands all also busy outside fucking some xiao long nu or filipino GRO. So they always go to her studio look for her to talk about hamsap things. Until she also feel very sien with the aunties. That was when limpek and Weeman ask her to start offering our services to them since we all also quite bored and broke and horny.

So ngam lately it was brought up again by limpek's brother Cliffard on our group e-mail. Cliffard last time say before, which is very true, "we all do everything also boh gau (not smart). Make money boh gau. Spend money also boh gau. Study boh gau, but wanna become pai kia also boh hami gau. Only thing that we sibeh gau is fucking. Everything else cannot do properly. Only fucking that time like sibeh gau... We are really puahbai!"

So come to think of it, might as well just make money out of something that we are good at? Limpek also think its time Gojira start to feed me instead of limpek feeding Gojira. Feed until so big giant already but never financially benefit me. Really got no real use wan that monster. Only know how to poke and puke.

The chikopekmail continues on after that.

No point let Weeman earn anything more wan. He's already thinking about spending the money back to xiao long nus. If its considered 'cleansing', by the rate he's going, Weeman is so 'cleansed' that his sweat can be used as antibacterial wash. Stupid puah bai.

then I think Tiong Beng got abit carried away...

Yes, now we realize Tiong Beng also enjoys drinking cum. We learn something new everyday...

And you thought a bunch of guys really have anything better to talk about? This is what happens when a bunch of immoral chikopeks starts emailing each other.

So next time you see guys looking so serious in front of their computer, as though got some million dollar email to attend to... dont believe these puahbais. Most likely they are also flying nonsense e-mails like these, while trying to look like sibeh kut lat working. Hahaha. Just like what your boss is doing at this minute. You can see them in Starbucks or Coffee Bean all the time, like sibeh busy online like that.

Or maybe only limpek and chikopeks are so mm jia lan. What you think? You really got so many important emails to attend to meh?

Tomorrow limpek post limpek's reply to them. You will see the process of our progress to finalizing the goldfish gigolo services project.
Wish us luck and witness the birth of malaysia's next top gigolo agency. Until then...

Friday, May 21, 2010

Premature Male Menopause (chim-chim man! kaulat)

To my one handful of readers... a thousand apologies for the long absence.

Limpek know telling a thousand and one excuses does not justify limpek suddenly disappear like that, as though already abandon this highly-rated (by limpek).... high-traffic (4-5 readers)..... highly recommended (by limpek's 4-5 friends).... highly-arousing (limpek's Gojira) and highly-immoral (according to stupid kd) blog.

But if limpek no give reason, its quite no give face to you 4-5 beloved readers also rite? So limpek will be honest...

Couple of weeks back,

limpek probably hit rock bottom. Jialat depressed

then, as the body always follow the mind, limpek's sexy physical also start to fail

edit: oi, read properly ah! limpek didnt say 'sexual' physical fail! choi choi choi!!!

cough, flu, fever, sore throat, hami lanjiao also got

Wahhh, ultimate jialatness was the combine package. It is even more seong than opening cognac package in Bintang Plaza ktv melon-farm. Add in 4-5 xiao long nu watermelon plus 4-5 nasi lemak watermelon... also not as jialat.

Why like that?

Limpek think, keep that for myself lah. No, its not because of a girl, limpek is not 18 years old anymore. It is probably just the sum of life no longer making sense. Everything's meaningless and there seems to be no way out. I'm sure some of you buggers feel that way before also... No? then please place your lampah on top of your desk right now and drop your keyboard on it.

When limpek started the blog many many gazillion seconds ago, limpek was determined to connect and relate and entertain and be entertained with people of the same essence. Not your standard majority crowd. Not emo here emo there like kanineh TVB kind of blog. Like that stupid fat girl from the old chinese series "green green grass by the river (qing qing he bien cao)",

annoying fat girl

nabey pukitiang always crying wan until limpek also feel like slap kau her. Or those 'oh, lookit me so cool and happening and saying everything tight: So politically right and morally justified!'. Puahbai la. Limpek refuse to be like that. Limpek will make sure the blog dont become like that. Here, we thieves and beggars hoist the colors high. They can live happily in their make-believe world but we're fine standing in the mud.

So limpek couldnt write a word after being struck down like a cicak like that.

Limpek's health start recovering after 4-5 days. It seems as we get older, it starts getting harder to heal? even at 29 it can be felt... how different it is when we were 16. All the puahbai 16 year olds... think liao also tulan.

And sometimes, it is in sickness that you really get to know loneliness.

After limpek's sexy physical heal, limpek took extended long leave, hoping to heal the mental part. If go back to work depressed, at that kind of construction site, limpek think maybe not so good....

by the way, do you know that most tower constructions in Malaysia sure got foreign laborer accident die before wan? Can say almost every project limpek was involved in. And usually everything is kept quiet wan. So if you stay or work in a tower in Malaysia, don't look if you hear knocking on your floor window. Bring some fruits to pay for 'toll'

So limpek took further leave and went for vacation in a tiny island by myself. Its a cheap cheap diving resort with no 5 star fancy facilities. Everyday is nasi lemak or fried rice or bread. With dilluted sirap bandung. So dilluted limpek should just call it SB short form. Not even deserve to pronounce fully. The hut that limpek live in is like those jaga's pondok in those factories... you know? those guardhouses where the drunk jaga is sleeping most of the time. The toilet reminds me of limpek's primary school toilet. Like the Texas Chainsaw Massacre meatroom movie set.

But the island, the beach, the mountain was beautiful. No more than 12 person in the entire island including staff also. Limpek was running around naked most of the time also nobody pengsan. Gojira is most happy to be singing in the sun.

Limpek sleep on the beach, climb mountains, swim oceans, pee on crabs, draw giant nehneh on golden sand, jump from rocks, swing on trees, eat nasi lemak, drink SB, sun-tan Gojira, Gojira get burned, put ice on Gojira, chase monkey, get chased by monkeys, try to find angmoh nehneh to peek, try to see if got hot diver, try to hear if anyone fucking loudly in other hut, try to peel coconut with bare hands, break many nails... and all that alone for 5 days 4 nights.

They were incredibly great days.

By the end of it, I guess limpek found something to save myself.

So here now limpek is back. =))))))
And limpek still have alot of stories to tell you

Dont worry because Goldfish Uncle will always remember you!!!

Monday, May 10, 2010

Kena Raid While Chiko Hot Ger In Zouk Part II

...continue from Kena Raid While Chiko Hot Ger In Zouk

Part II

Hot Jane disappear liao. Limpek also feel like heart fall down from 20 storeys. After limpek put so much effort to squint my eyes and pucker lips... hold stomach in until feel like fart also going to come out. And Hot Jane disappear just like that.

But limpek keep thinking, cannot give up! Rambo also never give up! So limpek decide to forgive her siao char boh-ness and chase after her. But then limpek cannot leave yet. There are still some bottles of whiskey not yet keep! Got many uncles last time told limpek, waste whiskey means will get sent to the 13th level of Hell. Hell King also will personally slap you down.

Limpek ask all other friends to go first and let limpek settle the whiskey. That moment got feel abit like hero from Alien movie like that... "GO! JUST GO! I WILL HOLD THE LINE!", then behind got reluctant teammates and hot ger screaming "NOOOO!!!". Then limpek save the day.

But then real life is always kanasai because they also no fuck limpek and quickly leave without even thinking twice. Hmph! You puahbais all will end up in 13th level of Hell.

After informing the nearby waitress to keep, limpek pull handbrake, swing one U-Turn, avoid bumping into many nehnehs, step accelerator and dashed to follow their trail.

Like Yang Guo chasing after Xiao Long Nu, limpek use all my qing gong (lightness kungfu) to step on air and leap on wind and fly towards the backdoor. Using my nei gong (inner kungfu) limpek trace the scent of Gu Gu (not gugujiao, don’t sampat) and caught a whiff of Pandan smelling perfume… so sweet and tasty it must be hers. Using my qi gong (chi kungfu) limpek yell a “HAAH!!” and the back emergency door burst open. Lastly, using my hiao gong (horny kungfu) limpek emit gps Dickradar detection (reliable up to 2km), and my Magic Stick automatically points to the direction of my target.

Dickradar V200 Series

Found her! But Hot Jane already outside the gate!!! Walaoeh, how can?! Could she have learn ‘Cloud Swift Dance” from the lost Nine Yin True Scripture? How can limpek not catch up? How can? How can the Pandan smell actually come from nearby mamak stall instead? How can?
Life has so many questions.

“NANTI!!” Suddenly, a squeal that sounded suspiciously like a dugong with his balls pulled off stopped limpek in my tracks.

Well, dugong don’t really squeal but limpek imagine that’s how they sound like if they do.

“TAK BOLEH KELUAR SINI!! PERGI DEPAN!!!” The ugliest Malaysian ever appeared from the dark, wearing normal clothes with jacket that look like those mat rempit in Genting Highland. Oh, and quite a fatty too. So automatically limpek know it’s a police in plain clothes.

“Semua jalan!” Dugong Police said and turned to the emergency door, must be want to lock it. Then only limpek realize I was not the only one to ‘fly’ out. There was a whole small group of us. Sigh, looks like Condor Hero limpek needs to polish on the qing gong more.

Couple of guys already walking towards the main gate and we all just follow along behind. Dugong Police didn’t bother about us anymore and proceed with his business… Limpek think that ugly bugger thought his Dugong Roar was enough to scare us into submission liao.

Then the strangest thing happen. Walking beside me was this short fat uncle, that look alot like Eric Tsang.

Eric Tsang

One minute he was walking selamba-ly, lighting a cigarette, then next thing you know, BOOM! He was flying in the air sprinting towards the side gate! And limpek not kidding this time when I say flying! He look like he was stepping on air!

“OIII!!!” Dugong Police yelled and ran after him. For a while limpek thought this is some new comedy by Stephen Chow. One ugly round ball running after another flying round ball. But cannot be, never see Yu Fa or Ng Man Tat.

Then, with a single jump... Eric Tsang uncle leap over the side gate! Round body gently gliding in the air with one arm bracing! Like a flying swan across the moon! Autumn sparrow across the sky! Wahh! Sibeh steady!! Sibeh yeng!! Can wet panties kind of yeng!! Sibeh like young Jackie Chan!!

flying swan across the moon

After that he selamba jog and disappear into the night. Dugong Police chase a few step, already panting and choking like Chua Soi Lek trying to have sex. Bravo! Limpek was really sibeh impressed. Eric Tsang uncle is my new hero. Next time if limpek see him in Velvet again will buy him a drink.

At the gate, we cannot go out also. Police lockdown the gate, limpek see so many police truck (those use to sapu horse machine or prostitutes or immigrants wan) limpek think this time hong kan liao. A lot of angmohs were there. A lot of them kaupeh kaubu like little bitches with sand in their panties.

One stupid angmoh guy look like Jason Mraz wan was yelling “Fuck Malaysia, we go Singapore! We go now!”. He looked very drunk and his friend was trying to get him to shut up before the crowd kill him. Limpek think if not got so many police, they really will whack him until pig head cookie liao. Wont be the first time limpek see angmoh kena whack by a mob in clubs. Why is it that whenever stupid angmohs drink abit abit then they start acting sibeh kham lan? As if like they asking to kena whack. Maybe young that time never kena whack much. In fact this stupid angmoh kept shouting the same thing until this big Indian guy went and confront him.

There were some words exchanged. Then shoutings. Then next thing you know, Jason Mraz guy was flying in the air, the big Indian palm stretched out. Walao its like Iron-Palm Indian Shaolin kungfu, angmoh flying backwards.

That was a Huo Yan Jia (Fearless) moment there as the Malaysians cheer for the ass-whooping of guai lan angmohs. Then the Indian Shaolin friends quickly go and hold him back before he kill the angmoh and the angmoh friends also quickly pull him away.

That angmoh somemore beh song keep shouting at the police “you stupid police, fuck this place, I bring 10 million in, now I take it to Singapore, fuck you police, you have no right”. Kanineh 10 million? maybe he really Jason Mraz? Cannot be la… look at his cheh-kai face, doesn’t look like he contribute 10 million to Malaysia economy.

Another angmoh, a hot girl that looked like younger Kate Beckinsale was also kaupeh kaubu-ing at the gate. She was screaming and sound almost like wan to cry liao “How the fuck can you do this! This is not right! You cannot make us stay here, I don’t give a fuck I’m leaving now!” Then when the police didn’t respond she went even more sampat “We have our rights! This is basic human rights! I’m reporting this to the United Nations!”

Limpek almost want to roll on the floor laughing. Kanineh human rights somemore what United Nation. Amoi, you dont know in Malaysia only got Manchester United nation and Barisan Nasional rights? Malaysians already completely brainwashed to accept this slavery. Limpek wonder what would have happen if Viet Tony Jaa mention human rights when he kena detain that time.

But the police didn’t even scold the angmohs. They just smiled back and explain patiently to them. Calmly take the abuse like shaolin monks like that. Wahh, you would think that they are saints if you didn’t know that other visitors that are not angmohs will kena whallop and whack until mother cannot recognize. Or make you do naked squats if you’re hot ger from China

actually if limpek got girlfriend to do this for me is quite sexy

Then, seeing so many commotion, limpek also feel very fhan so decided to walk back to the quiet side area. Limpek got no choice but to squat at one side and smoke like a mat rempit. Nothing much else to do but sit and wait.

Sigh, limpek think. If only now got nasi lemak to eat... sambal ikan bilis... sotong curry... si ham... dugong... Eh, dugong!

Limpek suddenly realize....

Dugong Police is no longer watching there!

Suddenly an enlightening vision blessed by heaven enter limpek's head. Abit blurry at first but soon limpek can make out the shape of a person. No, this time its not a naked Victoria Secret angel with wings. But this time, the vision sent by heaven is a man. And it was Eric Tsang uncle!

Eric Tsang uncle only has one thing to say...

YES!!! Suddenly limpek also feel LIKE CAN DO IT!!!

Remembering the Nine Yang Holy Scripture,

Limpek start to gather the ‘qi’

Limpek kick the ground in one mighty leap

Next thing you know, limpek was flying....

like an eagle cutting the night sky... seeking freedom that was just behind the wall


Goldfish Uncle as he was last seen, basked in the bittersweet glory of lonely freedom… flying away among the wind into the darkness of the night.

Nine Yang Holy Scripture no:113 – “Swan Into Jade Maiden Lake at Dusk”

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Kena Raid While Chiko Hot Ger in Zouk

Last last Friday 30th April 2010
. paiseh... limpek update abit slow

Walaoeh limpek kena police raid!

That same friday Tony Jaa kena police check, limpek also kena police check. This is the second incident limpek was talking about last post.

Velvet also got police raid wan ar? Limpek somemore always hear people say Zouk is number 1 club in KL, police wont kacau wan. What the hell man. Must be Zouk boss angpow not big enough last chinese new year, some enforcement beh song liao.

So that night, my clubbing kaki Hui Lip Hao introduce this hot ger to limpek. Because limpek always bug him ask him to intro ger. This Lip Hao knows alot of hot ger wan. Finally he beh tahan liao he pull this one hot ger to limpek and ask limpek ownself settle. Limpek of course faster put on game-face, wipe away the chikopekness from showing on the face. Limpek game face very important wan... must go through step by step like Cheddarina's facial guide. Limpek feeling generous will share with you the ultimate game-face.

First you must pucker up the lips

then take deep breath suck in tummy deep deep and expand chest

then must squint the eyes hard hard to make sexy eyes

Then kaulat lor.... game face is on...

How? Win lor what else. "The world at your feet" ah dont play play.

So it started out perfect, limpek try to eliminate as many Benglish from limpek's sentences. Limpek also did not refer to myself as limpek. So can still sound like a civilize man... not chao beng uncle like my other chikopek friends. Not too many 'la', 'mah', 'wa', 'leh', 'boh', 'wan', 'neh', etc, u know those Benglish words la.

Limpek try not to talk like this:

"Helo, limpek is called Goldfish la. Come from Penang lor, nehh the Bayan Lepas there mah, u know boh? Very happening place wan. You got hear before boh?

because limpek last time hear sales girl say, cannot talk like that... no chio ger will want. She also say, must soon-soon the english, tarik abit of slang slang, with abit of street words. So limpek watch alot of MTV and improvised to,

"Whaddup shawwtiee, Goldfish Deejayyy in da house yaww. Issa fuckin cool yawww. All the way from the streets of 'Bee Why Elle Pee', island rawk in da house yawww. Yaknow waddyemeannn? Word. Brother, word! Mm-hmm! Dayymnnn!"

Hot ger also start laughing. Limpek think it really works. Must remember to say thank you to sales girl.

Limpek was syok syok chiko-ing this hot ger, Jane, and was asking for her number already. While she was key-ing the number suddenly the manager appear, whisper to us like very kan cheong like that. "Polis sudah mali polis sudah mali!!!" Wahhpiang! Hot Jane and limpek also terkejut! Limpek somemore thought maybe manager also ons that hot Jane and want to chase limpek away! Sabo limpek!

Limpek remember again sales girl's words on how to talk cool. Limpek also try to act hero

"Chiilllll brutha!! Its coool yaww! Aint yall worry bout nut-in. Mo money mo problems! Hotel motel holiday inn yaww! You be my american boy! Baby are you downdowndown? Its cool yaww!"

Hot Jane also giggle and relax. Successful!!! Walaoeh, sibeh stim of myself liao. Really must buy sales girl dinner.

Then manager still look very worried, "Betulkah? You sure no problem ar? They are going to lock down the whole club you know! Zouk, Velvet, Phuture, Arristo... semua sekali boss!"

Limpek start to sweat liao. Sounds like this bugger serious wan wor.

"Wehh... you serious wan ar? Dont play play lehh brother! Confirm boh??"

"Oi brother, of course serious la this kind of thing! Come! You faster follow me I take you out from the back door!"

Wah kanineh liao, from the looks of it, this bugger not joking wan leh. What the flying fuck! Why suddenly got raid wan of all things. Took limpek a few seconds before limpek get a full understanding that its actually happening.

Limpek turned to Hot Jane, and she turn to me... same look of zhar lan dou on our face (accidentally grab balls look). At that time she was still holding my phone, havent key in her number finish yet.

Then suddenly she turn and throw limpek's phone on the table and quickly run! WAHBENG! What the fuck?! The phone slide off the table and fell to the floor! Kanineh lucky floor got carpet wan so my brick handphone didnt shatter to pieces! Siaooo charrr bohhh!!!

Limpek think, nevermind, remember sales girl say must act cool. So limpek go and pick it up, battery all fly out already... then want to turn around and say "Hey babe, dont worry bout nut-in baby, its all chill baby!" (like very cool like that, learn from Ashton Kutcher wan).

Limpek turn around... she disappear liao.

to be continued...

p/s: stay tune for part II, limpek promise it wont take too long

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Dont play play with Police or you eat cock Sandwich II

There are 62 people in the jail cell.

Limpek ask Jeremy Ang, “how big is the cell?” Who knows right? maybe like lecture hall so big, then 62 inmates not so bad.

“Its very fucking small… I’d say like, around slightly bigger than the size of your room.”

Puahbai you Jeremy. I know limpek’s room very small, you don’t need like that suan siao me.

The size of a typical small Redbox Karaoke room for 4-5 people is 10 m². Limpek do a rough calculation, maybe the size of limpek’s room is about… 400m²?

No lah siao boh… If limpek’s room so big won’t have to kaupeh kaubu everyday liao. Limpek’s room, maybe about 20-30 m² (laugh la laugh la puah bai). A person’s length from shoulder to shoulder is about 0.5m. So a person probably occupy about 0.5m radius circle. So base on Jeremy Ang’s description, this is around how big the jail cell is.

The oval shapes are the 62 prisoners at random standard sizes.

In other words, if the bugger infront of you fart…

Or if he sneeze…

Lack of space can be a very dangerous thing...

If you refer to the diagram limpek sketch for you, it is obvious there is no room for a person lay down also. So how to sleep? Like that lor…

But of course Tony Jaa never slept. There are times when no matter how tired and sleepy you are, your asshole will open up and keep screaming to you “FUCKER WAKE UPPP!!!” because it can sense the sha qi (killing aura) of the big guy behind you. From Saturday early morning when Tony was detained until Monday morning, he never sleep at all. Such is the fear you feel for your kah ch’ng.

The bus which Tony travelled in was stopped in a highway operation. Although limpek don’t think police are allowed to conduct these inspection in the middle of major highway, causing traffic jam. By end of operation, a whole truckload of them (40 immigrants without documents) were sent to balai. The extra 12 inmates were drug addicts / thieves.

Isn’t it awesome that our police are so hardworking, using up a whole team the entire day to grab these immigrants? Limpek guess Malaysia is such a great safe place nowadays with real crimes hardly ever happening so that the police have to occupy all these free time by rounding immigrants. What gangster problems? Snatch thieves? Rempits? Never heard before. Boy kena shot to death? Where got? Oh you mean the robber… Kugan kena whack to death? By whom? Well, maybe if your cat is stuck in the tree they will send an entire team to come help you. Wow Malaysia is really crime-free liao. Police Malaysia, we heart you long time!

When Jeremy Ang reach there in the morning, he showed them all of Tony’s legal documents to clear him. But the police don’t want to let him go, say have to give compound. Technically there’s no such compound. Jeremy was thinking “knnbccb! Puahbai! fuck ur backside long long time” but his mouth say “Oh sorry tok, please give a chance tok, I travel from KL to get this done tok.” While showing his most geli nahpet smile.

Officer say “Chief wants to see you, but he hasn’t arrive yet. You wait la, he should be here in an hour or so.” The time was already 10:00am. Got people can start work at 11:00am wan? so ‘nais’ (borrow from cheesie).

When Jeremy Ang finally meets the chief, it all came down to demanding kopi money afterall. Chief wanted RM250. Jeremy haggle until finally settle at RM200. Amazing isn’t it? Police saman also you can haggle wan nowadays. Its like pasar buy fish like that, can play walk-away mind game also maybe.

Tony Jaa smelled like he was peed on by the whole neighborhood of cats and then grill with expired petai belacan and then soak in Zouk’s toilet bowl after people puke. Jeremy couldn’t even breathe and drop him off in nearest gas station to shower and change first. A few minutes more and Jeremy would have puke himself also liao.

On the way home, Tony Jaa told him about the jail cell. Some inmates cannot tahan already and only 1 toilet bowl so people were just pissing on their own spot. At the corners even got fresh shit. There’s hardly proper ventilation and no fan, so everybody is like roasted chicken in the afternoon heat. Everyone was coughing on each others faces and spitting everywhere. At nights, the mosquitoes attack like Yakuza and everyone was scratching until bleeding. The itch did not come from just mosquito bites… there were kutus (mites/bugs) everywhere as well and you can even see them jumping/flying around. Tony Jaa had tears streaming down his face while he was recounting his story.

62 inmates. RM200 for each. 200 x 62 = RM12,400. After a single operasi I guess the station can now organize an extra vacation trip to Haatyai this year.

Maybe they got this idea after reading the Star’s report about those subcontractor dog-catchers. Those fellows go around catching stray dogs not giving a shit how they handle the dogs wan. Doesn’t matter if the dogs die also (most of the time the dogs die anyway or get severely wounded), they get paid by the amount of dogs they catch. That’s all that matters.

At least now we know someone in the police force actually got read newspaper wan and very innovative also.

Granted he did not apply MC or get employer's permission. But Tony had only wanted to visit his sick auntie in Perlis.

Tomorrow, limpek post the second important incident. Got nothing to do with this incident actually but in this life, everything is connected.

Again, longer disclosure just for limpek’s own safety: Everything written is fictional and not true at all and meant for blabbering purposes. The author Goldfish Uncle, me, is delusional and semi-retarded and a compulsive liar. The story came in a wet dream induced by overdose of Nescafe kopi plus 5 cans of sugar mix with Colgate. The characters are not real and any resemblance to real person is solely unintended. The Malaysian Police is extremely honest and transparent and great and invincible and intelligent and the greatest gift God has ever given mankind. We love the highly incorruptible Malaysian Police for the peace, justice and efficiency that they stand for.

Limpek already said fiction... if it sounds true, smells true, looks true and seems so obviously true, then you must be delusional and semi-retarded like limpek as well.

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