Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Dear Boss

Dear Boss,

How are you? I hope you had alot of fun on your trip to Manila last week. I'm sure there were alot of businesses that you still had to attend to there as you claimed. We all understand how most businesses are really conducted in golf courses, papaya karaokes and brothels. But before we start, I feel that there's a need to address to a disturbing issue of late.

You see, lately, I noticed that you had increased the consistency of the strange habit of scratching your crotch in public to an alarming rate. I would like to point out that stuffing your hand into your pocket to pretend like you are fishing for your keys does not really work anymore. Especially when you claw at the itch so ferociously that I began wondering if you'd tear your skin. Lets just hope for your wife's sake that the itch was not imported from Philippines.

Boss, while you were gone, we were all fine and dandy here in the office. I'm sure we dont need the vacation like you do because you're the only one who works hard in the company. 10 days annual leaves works just fine with me. In fact, I think it's really efficient, especially when public holidays fall on Saturdays and it does not get forwarded. Thus putting a grand total of 6 public holidays and 10 leave holidays in 365 days. Heck, I was just thinking, how the hell am I going to spend 16 days doing nothing? This is why you are a genius boss. Fuck the labor laws right? what do they know. You're so James Dean boss, and that is so cool.

Boss, I remember some time ago when Hari Raya was a week long holiday. Now that we only get one single day off, boy, do I realize how redundant and time-wasting those holidays were. I'm sure you'd agree. You said to me the other day "Hari Raya break so many days for what? The Malays are already so fucking lazy". Sure, lesser informed people will scream racism at this statement, but little do they know you also said the Chinese were all thieving and conniving assholes so they deserve no CNY break. And then some months later, you said the Indians were good-for-nothing dumb gangsters, and these gangsters deserve no Deepavali break.

Well you should remember that one. Because the Indian lorry driver right behind us heard what you said and I swear I heard a vein popped in his neck. I'm still relieved today that I never heard your neck being popped after that. Geez, what racist? I know you're no racist boss. You hate everyone just as well. So thank you, because we all know it has nothing to do with hating holidays but you're just trying to form discipline by maintaining consistency.

So, you asked me what this is all about boss? You see, my therapist said that it will truly do me good if I can confront my feelings about you and express it. Perhaps that way we can say our peace and move on with our lives. She said by doing so, both of us can make waking up in the morning a little easier.

My therapist is actually pretty hot, boss. My mom used to warn me never to listen to pretty girls, but this therapist sounded like she knew what she was talking about. Plus when I'm lying on her leather couch, I sometimes catch a good glimpse of her lace panties. I truly love surprises like that. So, about her idea of confrontation with you, let's just see how it goes, shall we boss?

Well, the truth is boss, I dont even have a therapist. I guess if I had one that's what she'll say. And I'd probably find a pretty one. And the truth is boss, I cannot even afford one. Much less the nice new sports car that you left the brochure of in my office. I had a tough time wondering why you left the brochure there. For the weirdest moment, I actually allowed my completely witless mind to imagine maybe you meant to get the car for me as a company car.

Silly me. You were absolutely right. When I asked you if you were getting me the car and you laughed so loud that I started worrying if you'd pop an artery. Then you said I must've knocked my head silly in the construction site, for saying such a dumb thing. You were right. I must've knocked my head at the site. But hey, thanks for the... brochure? I guess shoving it unto my face and reminding me how little money you're paying me is a great motivation? I'm sure that's your humble intention. And I'm sure you have your reasons. They say God works in mysterious ways. You're like God, boss.

Boss, I must admit that at first I felt offended and insulted when my staff revealed to me that you had been badmouthing me behind my back. And to MY staff, of all people. I mean, what kind of douchebag would do something like that? But later I realized, that you're too professional and too much of a man to be saying such negative things directly to me, and it would be too unbecoming of your big boss status. Direct confrontation is not always the best scenario. So I applaud you for your innovative solution. Spread it instead to the junior staffs.

I totally took heed of your modern business style, which is why I passed the box of Viagra that you asked me to buy for you to my executive. She then passed it to the admin clerk who later passed it on to your personal assistant who left it on your desk. It's too bad you never realized how professional the entire purchase was handled.

Boss, I must also thank you for the display of trust you placed on my talent. Back during the Tampin project when your son fucked it up so badly, you took him out so quickly and dragged me in, out of nowhere. I was never involved in the project hence I had no clue what was going on, but you insisted that I "BE A MAN!", and stick out my neck and reputation on the line. If you had added "DOO THE RIGHT TING!", you wouldve sounded like Russell Peters and I might have found that funny.

But boss, when shit started to surface and everyone (including you) crucified me to be the scapegoat, it wasnt funny at all. Did you know that the client screamed at me so passionately that his saliva practically mosturized my face? After that, my skin did have the healthy glow that Ms. DBLchin always talks about in her blog.

Boss, I now realize that you were genuinely confident that despite my complete lack of experience and non-existent involvement in that project, you felt that I could save the project and along with your son. I'm so sorry and always regretted that I failed you that time. That is why I never blamed the crucifix and did not say a thing when you stated that incident as the reason for me not having any bonus that year.

Boss, we have now come to the part which my pretty therapist calls "Constructive Confessions". It's a rip-off from hot THB's 今日的忏悔 . It's okay though, because my therapist is just as hot.

But the thing is, boss, I dont really have a therapist. It's because I can't really afford one. And I guess I've already told you that. Well, I'm just... hinting... nevermind.

Boss, you remember that cute sweet secretary from the office two blocks away that you always talk about? The one the entire office knew you probably fantasize about whenever you 'choke-your-monkey'? Yes, the one who came to invite you to their company's annual dinner but you chose to ridicule her job, her company and even her car instead. I did not understand, but perhaps you were really going for the whole bad-boy Johny Depp image thing by behaving like such a prick. You always did preach about 'nan ren bu huai, nu ren bu ai' afterall. But perhaps it wasn't the sexiest image for a fat balding 65 year old ugly chinaman.

Later on you kept demanding me to look her up, to hire her to work for you. Sure, I thought, I was just going to march right into her office, whip out my oversized penis, smack her on the face with it and command her to work for you.

I did tell you later that I could not get a hold of her, and you called me a complete idiot to have wasted what would've been a great staff. It is so completely my fault, boss, I couldn't agree more.

But you see, boss, I lied.

I did run into her after that, and I did get to know her better. We hit off pretty well actually, and I guess its because we did share something in common; our great love for you.

But that's not all, boss.

Well, you see, boss... around this time last year...

we fucked.

In your office room.

to be continued.

Monday, September 20, 2010

The Blogger That Always Quits

Dear Diary,

An entire month I disappeared from my blog. Some people were probably really happy as the blog rouses nothing but negative sentiments from their minds with a virgin's width. Some probably relieved that they no longer have to fear their spouses snipping their organs off as they sleep at night. Of course regardless of how much 'fuck-the-world' limpek try to portray, limpek still did hope that one or two readers did miss reading the blog. It seems kinda desperate, but its the truth. Kanneh... what to do... in the end, limpek also do crave for some acceptance afterall.

I guess I started to doubt what it is I'm doing here actually. What message it is that I'm trying to convey. Limpek's friends all think this is absolutely retarded, posting nonsense online for anonymous strangers to laugh at, or get shitpissed at. It's obvious limpek dont make a single cent for the blog. And it's not effortless too. Heck it takes ALOT of time for each entry, so limpek is truly impressed with those bloggers with full time jobs. Limpek also dont get to meet hot gers or cool friends because it has to remain anonymous.

Limpek thought to at least try make someone smile for a minute in their day, but it's really hard when smiling is the last thing you feel like doing yourself. If only its as easy as painting a big red smiley lips on my face for you. If it is, I'd gladly do it for you.

So what is it that I'm doing here? Why am I blogging in the first place? You ask limpek, limpek also chui tat lan. All I know is, limpek didnt really wanna just abandon this. It has afterall, help limpek connect to a few souls in this big ball of a mess... And perhaps, make life less lonely?

Sean asked me today "why you haven't been blogging? Just continue la wat the fuck. Make new friends."

Sean usually say things that doesnt make sense, but limpek felt that this time he was right. One great thing that limpek had truly enjoyed since starting the blog a short 6 months ago was getting to know the readers and other bloggers. As little as I truly know them, or they me, limpek felt they were all these colorful characters that hardly exist in my real life, or in my real friends. That's so fine by me. Real or not, life is afterall how much you believe your make-believe. Isn't it?

Well, before I stop making sense and you start thinking that I'm blogging while high, I shall stop here.

so... hello friends. I'm Goldfish Uncle, a friend. And I'm back. Like your genital wart that never goes away.

Entries will be more casual from now on and less frequent. I'll learn to have fun doing this, rather than getting tired after blogging. =)
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