Sunday, August 22, 2010

Baja Hitam

Continuation from 'Superman' of last post.

This reminds limpek of a story...

A nong nong time ago, Grandpa had a Vespa that he used to round the plantation estate with. It was one of those old things that looked like it came straight from World War II. Most of the time, Vespa was dumped in the tooldshed, keeping itself from everybody's way.

But to a 16 year old punk like me (yes, limpek was once 16 too...), it was the One Piece, the ultimate treasure. Whenever I lay eyes on it, it felt like I could be like this...

That's right.

As cool as Rossi.

So without my dad's knowledge, but with Grandpa's permission (Grandpa was always nice to us), I secretly took Vespa to ride to school whenever I could.

School back then in these small kampungs are always so damn far away, so mom was quite happy that she doesn't have to drive me there anymore. Besides, small kampung roads are empty most of the time so it's safe as well.

Boy, did I felt like Rossi in those times...

All the cool boys rode bikes to school back then in the kampung, and limpek also felt so cool that my nipples could cut glass.

Everything to make it as a cool cat, limpek had it all going.

  1. Motorbike. Check.
  2. Square-top hair. Check.
  3. Fake Clip-On Gold Earings. Check.
  4. Unbutton School Shirt. Check.
  5. Plastic Pasar Malam Sunglasses. Check.
  6. Super Baggy Ugly Green Schoolpants Check.
  7. Blowing Smoke Rings with Ciggies. Check.

Limpek felt like all the girls in the kampung will drench their panties if I ever pass by them in my Vespa.

But there was this one girl, that limpek had a major crush on. Pei Ting was her name...

She was the same age, from the neighboring girl school. Limpek always wanted to but never found the balls to talk to her. But limpek knew she always waited at the same bus-stop sharp at 6.45pm every evening.

So finally one day, limpek decided to try and impress her with the Vespa. Limpek imagine myself as Rossi (although nobody had even heard of Rossi then), and Pei Ting was the sexy flag-girl.

'Yes, it's gonna be perfectly cool like that!' that was all limpek could think of.

So limpek flew the Vespa in really close, and for the corner just ahead of the bus-stop limpek had a grand idea.

The great Racer Lean.

For a second there, limpek felt like the Great Spirit of Rossi possessed limpek's body.

limpek felt, like this...

But of course, like what musicians always sing about, "Life isn't always how you want it to be"

The musicians however, failed to mention how different it would be.

But like Yus from the tale before this, pride only comes AFTER a man's fall.

Hey, especially if your one favorite girl is looking, right? You would've done the same.

As I collect the poor Vespa up to stumble away, trying my best to walk straight, a silver lining did appear in the cloud.

Am I okay?





Note to self:
  • She talked to me!
  • Actually limpek could not turn around because the fattened blueblack face streaming with tears and dirt is totally uncool... Un-Rossi.... beh sai...beh sai...
  • The hardest butt caning I ever received from Dad that night.
  • When I saw the way Grandpa looked at the broken Vespa that night, I made a vow never to break his heart like that ever again.

Thursday, August 19, 2010


So limpek just returned from being stationed at Kuala Krai
to check on some site. Limpek will buy you a beer if you had actually been to Kuala Krai. It's like time-travelling to the past for a week. Thank god they have good Todi there.

Boss sent limpek there just because he want limpek to check on his stupid brat son. His son, typical spoiled brat of rich daddy, usually has one way or another to fuck up our projects. So limpek have to wipe their family's ass. Stupid puahbais.

But this project was actually going alright. The only problem is this HUGE FAT Safety Officer called Ganesh. He is SO HUGE that he couldnt really fit in the site temporary toilet, so he takes his crap in the bushes at the jungle. HAHAHA. Everytime he steps on the steel scaffolding, limpek had to hold my breath and pray it doesnt break.

This Ganesh likes to give us shit about safety. Climb 1 floor also must wear full safety equipment. Alot of work cannot be done with scaffolding, must use skylift. Cigarrette cannot simply smoke. Alot of shit lah basically. Its hampering with work and delaying handover, whatmore with the constant rain nowadays.

So limpek told Spoiled Brat two weeks ago to bribe Ganesh. We gave Spoiled Brat RM1500. But Spoiled Brat only gave him RM800. (That is like our government projects, past every level got tax wan kanineh!). After that Ganesh stopped bothering our workers so much. But you can feel he still beh syok on the small small safety issues wan. He will keep looking and looking like beh tahan, waiting to explode and scream at the workers. Limpek think Ganesh got obsessive compulsive disorder. Siao wan.

So on second day there, limpek was doing site-walk with Spoiled Brat. As usual, everything seems to be going well. At one end, Spoiled Brat looked up and limpek follow to see what he was looking at.

Two Indon workers were on the steel scaffolding, about two floors above ground. They were supposed to be lining cables. Two floors really isnt that high and for a quick job usually safety harness is neglected. Then these two monkeys started messing around...

It was actually quite a hard jab

The guy (Yus) was obviously pissed.

The other guy was as quick as Ip Man.

Who would've thought...

A smooth fall, it was not...

Extension planks broke his fall. Twice...
And finally...

Limpek look over and Spoiled Brat was looking like this...

Although limpek wasnt sure if he was more freaked out about Yus's injury...

OR this guy who's ALWAYS nearby

But Yus knew about Ganesh (heck, the entire site does). And a hero always think about the team first.

Right away he bounced back up. You'd think he only fell from a bicycle. Except his leg was kinda pointing at a very, very wrong angle.

And then he wasn't exactly convincing...

Ganesh might not have seen how far up Yus came falling from. He just stared really hard, as though he's about to eat someone. The other guy quickly came down to help carry Yus to the medical room, before Ganesh explodes.

Two floors isnt all that high... but its not all that low to fall from as well. Yus fell like a meatsack and yet, he's still standing! What on earth is this guy made of?!

Pride. Thats the answer.



Deng deng deng!

This reminds limpek of a story...

That limpek will only post in two days hohohoho!

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

How Much Is Too Much Part II

Limpek opened my eyes, and limpek was here...

There's still a certain realization that this all could not possibly be real.

So limpek scrambled to search back reality. Eyes closed, here I was...

And everything was throbbing, that it started to feel like this..

Edward wouldnt have approved...

"Calm the fuuuuccccckkk downn!!!" Limpek remember telling myself. Whether it was said out loud, there's no way to know.

Closed eyes and the stage changed...

The music started becoming really loud, and colours blinding. There's no way that this isnt illusion.

Closed eyes, and opened, and it was a whole new world again.

At this point, limpek was starting to doubt whether limpek was sane in the first place. Whether there was real sanity at all. Limpek really believed that the situation is completely fucked up beyond any reason. There's no way to get out of this loop. This is it.

Closed eyes, space travelled again.

It was really hard to describe... of course these weren't the exact real images of the spaces limpek hopped to. But it was real close in terms of mood and atmosphere. The feeling of helplessness is incredible, that there was no way left for limpek to control the situation. The paranoia became devastating. You start doubting whether the world had always been one short consciousness after another, or if you'll finally sober up at one point.

Your body feels foreign to you. You send commands of actions to your body, some are executed and some are not. But you feel nothing even if the movements were executed. Limpek remember forcing my hands to massage my temples, and ended up feeling two foreign sticks prodding at limpek's head. Limpek is still unsure if those were my fingers.

Music changes from muffled, as though you're in an eclosed glass cube, to ear-shattering loud. And the world is weightless, without gravity. You spin non-stop on all directions.

Travelling between worlds, it felt like a lifetime had passed.

To be honest, limpek was scared shitless. Siao liao... boh hang kiu liao... thats all limpek can think of.

After several lightyears, limpek opened my eyes again...

old school laser disco lights!

Waitaminute... she looks quite familiar wor. But where am I? Kaninah why so noisy wan!? Puahbai!

Eh, this place... hamsap KTV wor.... Eh?? How come?

Oh wait... just now....

As soon as the memory hits, it surges and floods your head like an overwhelming orgasm after 2 dry weeks. You can feel as though your eyes going to pop out because the memories are smashing against it.

Limpek ran straight to the toilet, stumbling like Rosmah trying to do ballet. As soon as limpek spot the bowl, shit starts spraying out from the mouth like dragonball hei-gong. Limpek think the last time limpek puked this hard was during Tobby's daughter's birthday when we down cheap champagne as though they were beer. It was by the beach so the waves sent our half-digested chickens back to our feet. The poor little girl looked as though her dad had been possessed by devil. Hahaha good ol times. Sibeh jialat.

In reality, barely three hours had passed since limpek arrived at this sleazy KTV. Kanineh what the flying fuck happened?

Rewind 3 hours ago, limpek walked in and met Dr Druggie Ronald for the first time. Spread on the table was his 'medicine' poison collection. Limpek was already worried that time. I mean limpek had tried smoking pot several times and some e-pills during school days or whenever limpek go back hometown Penang to look for old mates... Granted Penang really does have the best grass thanks to its distance from Thailand. And limpek's childhood Bayan Lepas member, Kamlan Wong, source the best grass. B
ut these items by Dr. Ronald look like stuff limpek see on newspapers. With the 'DEATH PENALTY' logo next to it.

First came in the girls, and surprisingly they were really quite pretty! Vietnamese and Indonesians, all just as crazy. Limpek picked an Indonesian girl cause she was really cute with short modern bob hair that reminded limpek of my first girlfriend. And her name, Alina, was even almost the same!

But of course when she opened her mouth and all the obscenities started pouring out then she quickly sounded like the wantanmee auntie liao. And she kept holding limpek's Gojira as though its the balancing handle in the LRT. Puahbai... limpek's first love was as gentle and modest as it could get okayy!

"Bangggg, kamu ada suka main sok keh?" Alina asked limpek.

"Sok keh?? Apa tu?? Kongket ka?? Abang sukaaaa main"

"Aiyo jahaatttt... bukan kongket! Sok keh! Itu, 'keh'!"
She said, pointing at Dr. Ronald's 'medicine' cabinet. Particularly at the white sachets.

"OHHH!!! ITU 'K' KAH?? You mau kah?? Wahh u manyak jahattt oh!"

The crazy GROs instantly swarmed around the K powder like flies to cow dung. The way they line the powder and suck them up like vacuum cleaner reminded limpek of Tony from Scarface. "Ohh... so the drugs are for these crazy girls." That was what came across my mind. Limpek was obviously still naive.

The first hour pretty much went by okay. Everytime limpek tried to sing a song, the girls, high like monkeys pumped with testosterone, changed it to some china disco music. Those entertainingly ridiculous music that goes YAO-AH-YAO-AH-YAO-AH or whatever they're chanting. Some girls were so fucked up with the K that they just stood there shaking their heads the whole time. Again, its like the gahmen anti-smoking campaign, they're shaking their heads "tak nak tak nak tak nak tak nak". Even in between songs when there's no music. Alina went out and came back in without her bra. I think she really liked limpek. Hahaha.

Then Tan started passing around a glass of drink to the guys. The drink obviously looked like its spiked, smells like its spiked and tasted like its spiked. Yet Tan dare to say "Mou laaaa, mou si kehhh!!! Trust me brother! Siu-siu k fhan zehhh". Sounds familiar like the fucking lawyer Lingam... sounds like me, looks like me, talks like me... but DEY! NOT ME!!!

So limpek took a sip. It tasted like flattened Coke (no gas) with a little bit of bitter aftertaste (like replacement sugar). In about 15 minutes, the buzz started to kick in already. Limpek began to feel weightless and really drunk. Then the head started to follow the beat to do the anti-smoking campaign headshake as well.

It was still okay, limpek thought. Still in control, no reason to freak out. Then in about 10-15 more minutes the effect started to wear off. So it wasnt all that horrible afterall.

Then Tan came back with another glass. "This one we mix ourselves wan, special stuff. You try and see, more or less the same wan. But this one happier a little bit. Have to finish the glass. Trust me!"

Limpek thought aiya the last one also mah-mah-tey only, no ploblem la! So taruk the entire glass.

"Tan, what is this? This one taste horrible la! Like got sour taste wan!"

"This one got some crushed happy-5 plus ecstasy. Then add the liquid they call 'beh io', is used to aneh-aneh.... the horse wan."


"Yes yes! the one make the horse calm down to fuck wan"

"beh io.... used to anesthesize horse wan.... HORSE!! HORSE!?!?"

"yes correct! hor liao lehhh"


"Aiya dont worry brother, trust me. Horse wan is very weak, we got tiger and even elephant wan!"

Limpek felt like my testicles was stuck in my mouth, words cannot come out.

Limpek never even knew when it hit. There was definitely a gap of memory loss in between finishing the conversation and sobering up holding my dick in the toilet with no pee coming out. And then closing my eyes and waking up with Alina staring at me and wiping my face with hot towel back in the room. My zipper wasnt even pulled up yet. It hit like a truck running into you... will never see it coming.

Limpek ended up throwing up 4 times that night. The very last time, limpek thought my intestines will be hanging out from my mouth already. After limpek puked like mad and drank a whole gallon of water, the world stopped spinning so much. Limpek tipped Alina quickly and got the fuck out of that craphole. The others, with their brains all fried up, were just laying around the sofa with the equally fucked girls. Some were just standing there nodding their heads obsessively to the super loud ahbeng music in the pitch black room. With only the disco laser lights flashing around.

What in the world have I gotten myself into... That was all limpek could think.

Puahbai... horse medicine.

Limpek went home and totally blacked out. It was amazing limpek could still auto-pilot drive back. By the time limpek awoke again, was already 10am fucking late. The boss called.


"Wah boss... sorry... really cannot la... last nite..."

"YOU DONT GIVE COCK EXCUSE AH! I called Tan just now, he say nothing much went on last nite! He said everyone was sober and you even left earlier than them!"

"No leh boss, let me explain, they-"


(Boss... why not you ask me chop off my balls and go die?)

The end of the Que-pac adventure.

Btw, sorry for the delay in update. I know alot of people also wanna tiao limpek for always updating cipet slow nowadays, like gahmen worker. But Limpek and family was back in Bayan Lepas last whole week until yesterday to attend a funeral of a far relative. Home is still as nice as it used to be, and limpek is considering about relocating back to Bayan, back to roots! Since most of family members also moved back from KL already. And also limpek can transfer to the IJM developments along the coast. Dont know la, see how first.

One last thing, Goldfish Uncle NEVER condone drug usage. Really, its just quite retarded.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Exactly How Much Is Too Much?

At what point does it stop being just PR servicing and become instead, mere whoring out of oneself?

Whoaa kanineh limpek trying to sound very chim chim liddat. Nevertheless, limpek had the chance to question that last week during an outing with some very important clients.

"You need to bring these clients out and make sure they have lots of fun. WE need them on OUR side. I'll cover the fund and you just take care of entertaining them"

That was boss's exact instructions. Notice how great of a salesman he is? picking words that amsu-amsu limpek as if suddenly his project problems are now mine as well. All the 'We' and 'Ours' instead of 'I' and 'My'. Last time when limpek's own project got problem, he left limpek to eat grass myself. Knnccb this kind of bitchman.

But then again, it sounded like a good deal doesnt it? Afterall, limpek knew these hamsap clients are papaya farm addicts and what can be better than letting boss pay for everything?

This was in regards to a project limpek is involved in at K.L. It's the construction of a really exclusive condominium tower which ironically has been mostly bought up or rented by foreigners; expats and investors. It is quite impossible to expect the locals to afford these multi million ringgit little boxes in the sky. Such is the failure of Malaysia that the prosperity we always try to portray pales in comparison to the majority of us monkeys earning peanuts.

But hey, what do the fattened up pigs in Parliament or GLC developers care as long as their bellies get bigger and bigger. It is just another pre-Mandela South Africa waiting to happen. They want us to think it is our own fault, that we're probably not working hard enough or talented enough. But is it really? Are we really that worthless?

Limpek's company was lucky enough to pao a little portion of the project to be done... BUT, even luckier to go screw it up. Thanks to our ever reliable angmoh manufacturers. It's not really screwing up to the point of no return, rather its just "finished work not up to standard" (the Consultant's exact words).

To put it simply, limpek's company's finished work is really lanjiao standard. Dont know whether to laugh or cry. But for what its worth, it wasn't limpek's project but my boss's.

Basically its like this: Our job done needs to be approved by project manager and client's architect. So this job was quite fucked up but they can still close one eye and tiam tiam only. But these buggers are from a huge public listed construction company and a major developer, so they dont want to just let it go. They can sue us until our lampahci shrink, and then in turn we will have to sue our manufacturer instead. Then it will go one big round like an orgy train and end up with everyone fucked in the backside by someone.

So boss ask limpek to entertain those buggers, then later together-gether we can try to do some 'lets-all-pretend-to-rectify' wayang, so the client wont be peeing hot fire anymore. Then slowly, the client will start to accept it as it is and then everything will be fine and dandy.

One thing limpek really respect this cipet chinaman boss is he always know how to get out of trouble. No matter how fucked up the situation is, he'll figure out a sneaky solution. He is like old fat chinaman version of Michael Scofield, thinking and thinking of how to break out from prison until nose also can bleed. Well, at least riding along in his ship, he didnt require limpek to hold his pocket.

That bunch of clowns clients limpek also met many times before already at the site. Project manager, Loo, site manager, Tan and client's architect, Ang. All also 40+ already. All married with few kids as well.

That puahbai Ang is the type of site architect that cannot control his voice. He is like a broken radio, turn the volume abit and it will suddenly roar until your eardrums explode. His volume explodes for no reason wan. And also, he likes to talk loud loud 2 inches from your face. Whenever he want to talk to limpek, limpek feel like he is trying to french kiss me. Can even feel the gusts of wind from his breath hitting limpek's face, sometimes even got fish porridge smell. Then next day the face sure grow few pimples because of his high protein saliva.

The project manager, Loo, even worse. When he talk to you must sit close close wan. Then sure put his hand on your thigh. Kaninahh! Damn geli! Limpek always use this dirty tactic on xiaolongnus to pok-mong. Slowly rub their thighs make them horny abit become more wet. Mana tau this cipet Loo also do that to limpek! Limpek really become more wet. Wet with sweat!

They always talk as though like really can cheong, but limpek thought "aiya kanineh, bunch of 40+ family cinapeks... how kaulat can they be". Then Tan the site supervisor called limpek to pick them up at 4pm, limpek start to suspect something wrong liao. Wahpiang why so early wan? Tan explained that they got wives waiting at home. If party until midnite, go home will kena taruk by the wives. Then their wives will throw plates and break things. Limpek hear liao also sien, confirm this bunch of old men cannot cheong wan.

Ang lead the way and the longer we drove, the more uneasy limpek felt. Why so damn far wan? Isnt that the Cheras toll already? Kanineh then see see, batu sembilan liao. What the flying fuck is batu sembilan? Then go into some kampung area, surrounded by fucking jungle. "Tan! What the fuck?! Tekan the sakai's neh neh issit??" limpek asked Tan. "Relax brother, good things must remain hidden wan". Kaninah. Limpek feel like 16 year old schoolgirl kena bluff by hamsap boyfriend to take off bra.

Still havent reach! We had to go deeper inside somemore. Finally see got one single row of shophouse. Those old school type of shophouse with small kedai runcit, kapcai service shop and mamak shop wan. Upstairs people hang underwear with holes from one end till another end. Naked kids running around with stick guns and crazy old man talking to himself in the corner. Topping it off are the stray dogs patrolling around the area and staring cock at you. One of them even missing a leg. Limpek keep getting the sensation that the stray dog is yelling at me "KUA HAMI!? KUA LAN JIAO AR KUA!!"

For a while limpek thought maybe slip through a time portal and end up in Cambodia already. Next thing you know the underage farm girls might be walking up to you and say "me love you nong time?" "sucky sucky?" But lucky this is still Malaysia. And limpek is still no pedophile.

In the middle of the row of shophouses, limpek spotted it. Big tasteless flashing neon lights "Kelab Que-PAC" like straight out of Sungei Wang. If Tokyo neon atmosphere is pop-culture, limpek found its bastard sister.

The door downstairs is locked with grills and 2 Indian thugs with walkie-talkies serve as the 1st level bouncers. These are the kinda thugs you dont want to cross eyes with because they look like they want to slice open your belly and pull out your intestines slowly and make you eat it. Their eyes are so red that limpek thought maybe they're auditioning for Twilight.

oh sorry! limpek didnt realize that was Semi-Vellu and by all means did not intend to label him as an Indian Thug. My bad my bad.

Tan spoke to them abit, tip them abit, and they mumbled something into the walkie talkie. A woman came down that is unmistakably the 'Mami'. Mamis are not very difficult to distinguish as they always have this sneaky aura with certain darkness in their eyes. The kind of feeling our 'First Lady' also do carry.

We went up to the first floor where it became even more shady. 6-7 ahbengs with walkie-talkies hung out in a big empty floor with a plastic table and chairs strewn about. Of course to be expected there was a big altar with a BIG Guan Gong idol on it. We had to go another floor up. Apparently this was just stage 2 security.

Third floor was where all the karaoke rooms were. Slap a couple of cockroach eaten sofas, a TV and some crackling speakers, there you have it. Kampung style papaya farm. Inside our room, a friend of Ang was waiting for us. Ronald was his name.

Apparently Ronald is their resident pharmacist because as soon as limpek walked in, Dr Ronald already got his whole cabinet of 'medicine' laid out on the table.

3/4 of it limpek have no idea what the flying fuck it was. But limpek saw what were unmistakably K-powder in sachets... weed joints.... ecstacy pills... and small bottles of what looked like liquid meth.

Limpek can only think, "Kanineh liao this time."

to be continued...

next post coming very soon

Related Posts with Thumbnails