Friday, June 25, 2010

A Goldfish Blog Tech Support Director Named Seefatt Chang



By now it should be quite obvious that when it comes to hi-tech or fancy things computers can do, limpek is completely kanasai. Granted, limpek know how to use photoshop because last time always edit friends' pictures to make them naked and fuck animals, and then send the pics to their girlfriends. Besides, limpek had a girlfriend last time always asking to help edit her pics. "Make me pweetty! Make me pweeettyy!" she'd say. Limpek also find that adorable.

After limpek help edit her eyes big big, nose sharp sharp, face oval, lips like sausage, boobs add 2 cup sizes then she will be sibeh happy. Sometimes can even get free blowjobs (the type that wont kena trap to return favors wan). Its a very good deal isnt it? Photoshop = Blowjob. Like the Food = Work scam. So limpek's photoshop can consider mai hiam beh pai.

But when it comes to blogging and all the tools limpek see on other blogs, limpek see liao also tao hin hin. Limpek always feel as though HTML = Hi-Tech mat lan? So limpek just stick with the simple things I know, compose and publish. And try not to accidentally click on other buttons.

Well the reason limpek mention this is because limpek had actually always kept a secret weapon for the blog. Goldfishuncle website actually has special tech-support headed by one Mr. Seefatt Chang (or Chang Backside). Seefatt works for a very tualiap international company as some big time head in tech department. The reason we call him Seefatt Chang is because he's 35 years old and we suspect he's still a virgin. So we then further suspect maybe he's just into playing male backside but too afraid to come out closet. What else can you suspect on a decent looking 35 year old virgin atheist pulling 10k per month?

Besides, his name really sounds like backside.

Seefatt Chang is the bestest geek among all limpek's friends. So when it comes to hi-tech or computer stuff, limpek really cant think of anyone else. In fact, if not for Seefatt Chang limpek would never have this blog going. Everything computer related also limpek ask him,

"Seeefattttt!! blue screen leh wtf!!!"

"Seefatt Chang!! why my computer keep auto-shutdown?!"


"Seeeefaatttt! why cannot open Gutter uncensored site!?!"


"Seefattlou, how to download pirate photoshop!!?"


"Seeefatt Chang, why all my files disappear?!"


and all these he will sort out for limpek and try to explain to limpek although very much in vain. Then theres the times he helped out with the blog...

"Seefattlou, limpek want to start blog la... how ar?"


"Go to blogspot.com... set up account first, read the tutorial and follow, very obvious wan..."

*Click dooo....
(Seefattt has the phone hanging up skills too)




"Seefatttttt, how come limpek blog entry save liao nothing come out?! Cannot be, limpek's skill sure anything can come out!! Must whack harder?"


"Gimme your username, password..."


"Ehhh...later you go in my email and send my sextape to gutter uncensored how?"


"Change password now la"


"Ohh..ok..."


after 3 mins

"You stupid cibai, why you type in 'HTML'?"


"Tee e-mail? why would I type letter to Tee e-mail?"


"H-T-M-L! Nvm... you see the button next to title, there's 'Edit HTML' and another 'Compose'?"


"Ohh ok ok i see..."


"You type your entry in Compose la! Not HTML! HTML is for code! To write scripts! The 'compose' is an efficient program to let you write in simple forms and it will automatically translate it into html code. At the end, you need to publish, not just save the post! In other words, you publish your HTML code!"


"......."


"understand boh?"


"....wear...coat?"


"nvm, just type in 'compose' and then publish"


*Click doooo......




"Seefattchangggg, eh limpek want to have a sub-page at the side ar, to do movie reviews wan. How ar?"


"What the fuck you mean? What side review page?"


"Nehh... like a tab at the side bar right, to lead to another page where limpek does movie reviews"


"You watch alot of movies meh?"


"Ya la kanineh, limpek's pirate DVD collection more than your porn collection man!"


"Impossible. I have 60GB of porn in a dedicated harddrive."


".... "


".... "


"... gayporn?"


*Click Dooo....


after calling back

"Oi Seefatt! dont like that! How to do the subpage?"


"I dont understand how you want it la. Tell you what, you go look around other blogs if you see something like what you want, send me the link. Then I'll write the script for you"


"Ok chio! I think I saw before in Xiaxue's blog!"


*Click Doooo...


(Turns out XX's blog dont have. Until now still havent find what limpek wanted, thats why the pirate dvd review tab is still so kanasai)



"Seefattguai! Limpek want to run polls in blog... how ar?"


"Walaoeh brother, why you so dinasour? Click on customize, add a tab at the side, there's already pre-set poll programs by blogspot mahhh..."


"No no no, limpek want the poll inside the post entry!"


"Ohh... no problem. Just go to Micropolls.com. Sign up account, create your poll, copy the code, paste on your Edit HTML"


"....Arr? coat? hi tech mat lan again?"


"Sigh. Ok you create account first"


"Ok done"


"Now log into Micropolls and create your poll. Then copy the code"


"Okay... done! You said, copy hami coat ar?"


"The poll, after you set it up, can convert it into a script, a code!"


"..... hami ar?"


"Gimme your username password."


"Aimeh? What if later you go find my sextape and post it in gutter uncensored?"


"Sigh. Change your password then."


"Ohh okay"


after that Seefatt created the poll for limpek, convert it into a code, logged into limpek's blogger account, edit limpek's post, put the code there, and publish it for limpek. Wahpiang! This is what you call Class A Sibeh Steady Pompipi Tech Support even Microsoft cannot offer!

After that Seefatt taught limpek how to post the poll step by step, so limpek now like poll expert, sibeh hua hee. Feels like the first caveman who discovered fire, want to shout in glory "FIRE!! FIRE!! HOO HAA HOO HA!!" and then go burn down all the cavewomen's leaf skirts. So thats why lately you see alot of polls in limpek's entry and limpek intend to keep posting polls until discovering the next fancy tool!


Here's the first chance to use it. Last week after the suey post limpek got alot of feedbacks from friends regarding their own recent suey-siao-ness.


Weeman: My hair-loss problem recently became worse. I have to upgrade to taking this medicine thing that actually messes with my hormones. It drastically reduces my testosterone, so its almost like cutting my balls off. So, for the sake of more hair, I have to sacrifice my libido. Limpeh only 29 fucking years old. But Soi Lek twice my age also twice more hamsap than me. Later when I get more hair, finally get a girlfriend, want to fuck that time suddenly gugujiao cannot stand... HOW!? Ask her to play with my hair whole night?! U tell limpeh la!


Compensating for what's no longer there with something that's finally there.






Dumbo: Two weeks ago I go Cham'pain' KTV near Imbi with clients. Then order the nasilemak girl. That time very drunk and high already so she ask me go toilet 'kongket'. She wanted to blow me, but that place the nasilemak girls not so clean based on feedback so I dont dare let her suck. Then she somemore keep grabbing my penis until my balls want to explode already. So of course I beh tahan, taruk her kuat-kuat in the toilet la. Wear condom la of course, cleanliness always first mah. Wah she is like an animal like that so wild, so limpek also become animal lagi wild. Finally after I shoot one Olympic load, I pull out and what I see?



piaaakkkkk....


What? Don't get it?

Okay fine since your thinking so 'kan dan limpek will borrow children's cartoon to explain in very kan dan way.


what happens when condom breakage test got no ISO.


I straightaway cannot stand properly. Feel like want to faint. Go home I scrub my penis with Listerine, wahlao! sibeh pain brother, you know!? Next day straight away go hospital medical checkup. Wah knnccb if limpek kena infect anything....si liao si liao... i really can go die liao. Then the doctor told me after 3 months only can confirm got HIV anot. Wahlaoehh Lao Tien ar!!! This lately the wife keep on wanting to fuck, limpek suddenly insist use condom. I think she also start to get suspicious! Until limpek have to give excuse say the condom makes me less sensitive so can last longer. Wah cibai end up everytime have to tahan 10 mins longer! LAO TIEN ARRR!!!!





Cliffard: In World Cup so far, limpeh lost RM100k already. Yesterday, wife ask me, dear, when are you buying my car? wait very long already. I almost want to cry and tell her, dear, the bookie take all our money already.






The entry is dedicated to limpek's great tech-support Mr. Seefatt Chang for being the best geek ever! Regardless if you're into gayporn! May you finally get laid this year and receive an ang pow for opening ceremony. You can leave your email contact on the comments, who knows maybe some passerby loves popping geeky cherry. Or else you can take limpek's offer and pop it with awesome xiaolongnu!



Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Nabeh, SG Blog Awards interview feels like beauty pageant



Those crazy fellas asked limpek a bunch of nonsense for the blog awards thing interview. Nabeh, limpek answer until tao hin hin. Somemore have to double check if not later Engrand zhao cui very embarassing.

Below was the interview limpek replied. The images were added on after la of course:


======================================


Come, Uncle Bring You Go See Goldfish / Goldfish Uncle

http://goldfishuncle.blogspot.com/


1. Tell us about yourself in 50 words.

Limpek is Goldfish Uncle. Goldfish Uncle is the uncle offering you lollipop to follow him go see goldfish. But nobody knows if he really got goldfish. Or just something that smells like fish. Oldfolks say, don’t follow strangers! But how you know he really got no goldfish? Fish or no fish, limpek succeed to fill in 50 words as required. (ons la!)


2. How long have you been blogging and why did you start blogging?

Very long of course. But back then limpek got no computer. So limpek blog by talking in the kopitiam to whichever stranger passing by. Sometimes stray dogs. Now got computer, no need waste so much money on the ever increasing price kopi. So plus plus minus minus also got 6048000 seconds of logged blogging. Real blogging in the kopitiam, almost 20 years. Jealous leh. Why start blogging? Lonely, want to talk. Want to find birdbirds of a feather. Want to chiko many hot ger. Want OMY to send limpek go HK find xiaolongnus.


Blogging was easy in the 90s...



3. How do you feel as one of the finalists in the Singapore Blog Awards? What do you think is your chance of winning?

Absolutely 500% because last time got one sai-kong (priest) say limpek with this kind of dragon eyebrow is sure born winner. The ahbeng selling illegal lottery also always tell me that. So limpek believe him and keep buying. But winning the Blog Award is slightly different. That one limpek’s actuarial science friend calculate say got 10% chance. But limpek will try hard to chiko the hot ger judges, like Anna Lim, then maybe can increase to 12%. If cannot, then become finalist also sibeh happy mah… got few new readers.


4. Who do you think are the strongest bloggers in the category you are nominated for and why?

Strongest blogger of course is limpek lah. Limpek can run 10km in 45minutes, they cannot. Limpek can benchpress 70kg, they cannot. Don’t think limpek beer belly fat fat like very useless, just last week the xiao long nu keep telling limpek “Yes! Very hard! Very strong! I love you!”. You say la, who strongest? Ms Judge Anna Lim, want to see limpek’s mouse in the bicep?



i know you liikeee...


5. What would you like to say to your blog readers and those who voted and supported you?

Limpek want to say my dear 5-6 readers/supporters are the best in the world because limpek type and type with all my heart and got people bother to come and read and keep uncle not so lonely. If not limpek really start to think limpek is the only one who cannot fit in the crazy world. Then will have to start talking to the neighbor’s cat and will end up running around naked in the streets one day. Limpek love my readers so much that limpek will shave my balls for them, regardless if limpek win.


6. What is your most controversial blog post and why?

Limpek blog no controversy. Why must purposely create controversy? Later gahmen want you to ki si. Society also boh happy. Limpek oo hami dio kong hami. But don’t know why everytime talk about penis then everybody hua hee. Make the hits jump until sibeh steady.

Why so many people interested in didi? Is the vagina is boh heng already? Siao la you all limpek think should see doctor get mental theraphy. Look see look see, limpek kaulat steady, can rhyme like Jay-Z.


7. Have you ever gotten into trouble or got rewarded for blogging? Elaborate.

No trouble! Trouble comes, blame the dog. Like, when accidentally fart in front of hot ger, faster scold the dog! Reward? My readers is number one reward! Muah muah XOXOHENESSY. Remember people, zhor lang ai hua hee! Become human must be happy!



dog also ki-siao (pic from google.)





Limpek show housemate John my interview reply because his Engrand is supposed to be chim-chim...


he only shake his head and say "Kaninah... like that how to win"




Tuesday, June 22, 2010

A Hero Named Vijay




Limpek just wanted to share a funny conversation that limpek heard on air last saturday. It was Hitz FM, JJ and Ean were taking calls from public regarding the most embarrassing things caller's parents had exposed to the caller's friends. There were a bunch of boring lame stories like getting chased by turkey or whatever at the begining, and limpek almost wanted to switch channels already.

Then this guy, Vijay, called. Limpek will try to relate the whole conversation to you but bear in mind it was a couple of days ago so details might be slightly off.

According to JJ and Ean, Vijay was 40. So they were quite excited assuming that a guy that age must've had something good to tell. Limpek was only half paying attention that time because these DJs tend to go on and on about things sometimes.

This is a family-friendly radio station

Vijay : When I was a little boy, about 3-4 years old, my mother used to bathe me. Apparently I was very sensitive to temperature changes, and whenever it gets a little hotter or colder, my -BEEP- will be standing straight up.

JJ & Ean: HAHAHAH

Vijay: Ya, and my mother will tell all my friends about this...

JJ: HAHHAHAHA

Ean: Dude, your mom talks about that kinda stuff, that's just creepy dude!

Vijay: Ya, so whenever my -BEEP- kena cold or hot water, it will go straight up. And it will actually be standing for a very long time. Apparently It was very sensitve. That's what my mother will say.

JJ & Ean: WAAHAHAHAHA

Vijay: But nowadays... it's just not as sensitive as before. (*caught a slight note of sadness there)

JJ & Ean: WAHAHAHAHA (these buggers just kept laughing only)

Ean: Dude, dude! Did your mom tell everyone this story on your wedding day?

Vijay: Ya.... That is exactly why my wife decided to marry me that day


HAHAHAHA. Vijay is the hero of the day. Someone with that kind of wit and humor should be a DJ.



===================================================================


Anyway, last week limpek posted about a very suey day and actually receive a few mails from readers and feedbacks from friends regarding their even more suey days. Limpek will try to get those posted up soon because they were really sibeh funny. Hearing about others suey-siaoness is always relieving for both sides so that life doesnt get too hard on you. Its all about learning to laugh at ourselves isnt it? And then laugh back at life.

But anyhow, limpek have had more lemons thrown my way these lately. And might end up have to resign from my job very soon. With no future plans mapped out yet. Limpek is quite in a fix and lost in thoughts. Can say limpek currently is like the guy didnt wear underwear and didnt pay attention after peeing so end up zipping up on his gugubird. And limpek is the gugubird. Foreskin halfway stuck in zipper already bleeding like hell. Want to pull zipper down will be like double cutting the skin. Continue pull up can also say goodbye to foreskin. In other words, jialat.

This has gotten to limpek quite heavily and blogging to keep the spirit of 'hua-hee-dio-hor' tends to get difficult at times like these. Someone smart once told limpek, "share your sunshine but hide your demons". So limpek will deal with the demon myself.


But anyway limpek just googled 'caught in zipper' and people actually wrote a medical article about it. Quite amazing.

From http://www.ncemi.org/cse/cse1113.htm

11.13 Zipper Caught on Penis or Chin


Presentation

Usually a child has gotten dressed too quickly and not wearing underpants, accidentally pulled up penile skin into his zipper. The skin becomes entrapped and crushed between the teeth and the slide of the zipper, thereby painfully attaching the article of clothing to the body part involved (most often the penis or less often the area beneath the chin).

What to do:

  • Paint the area with a small amount of povidone-iodine and infiltrate the skin with 1% lidocaine (plain). This will allow the comfortable manipulation of the zipper and the article of clothing.
  • Cover the area with mineral oil. This lubricates the moving parts and often frees the skin without having to cut the zipper.
  • If the mineral oil alone does not work, then cut the zipper away from the article of clothing to leave yourself with a less cumbersome problem.
  • Cut the slide of the zipper in half with a pair of metal snips or an orthopedic pin cutter. The patient is less likely to be frightened if this procedure is kept hidden from his view. If you are unable to break the two halves of the zipper slide apart using a metal cutter, then take two heavy duty surgical towel clamps and place their tongs into the side grooves at both ends of the slide. then grip one clamp firmly in each hand and then twist your wrists in opposite directions. This often will pop the two halves of the zipper slide apart, releasing the entrapped skin.
  • Pull the exposed zipper teeth apart, cleanse the crushed skin, and apply an ointment such as povidone-iodine.
  • Tetanus prophylaxis should be administered as needed.

What not to do:

  • Do not cut clothing if mineral oil releases the zipper.
  • Do not destroy the entire article of clothing by cutting into it. You only need to cut the zipper away allowing repair of the clothing.
  • Do not excise an area of skin or perform a circumcision; it onlv creates unnecessary morbidity for the patient.

Discussion

Newer plastic zippers have made this problem less common than in the past, but it still occurs, and it is a very grateful patient who is released from this entrapment.

References:

  • Nolan JF, Stillwell TJ, Sands JP: Acute management of the zipper-entrapped penis. J Emerg Med 1990;8:305-307.
  • Kanegaye JT, Schonfeld N: Penile zipper entrapment: a simple and less threatening approach using mineral oil. Pediatric Emergency Care 1993;9:90-91.


This has got to be one of the few biggest trauma limpek had during kindergarten. Baby Gojira that time kena zip up and blood was spilling everywhere. Limpek cry like shit thinking doctor will have to cut off Gojira liao. Then somemore limpek's mother that time dont know what to do, go and call our neighbors for help. And then call her sisters (limpek's aunts). Kaninah they all form one circle around limpek and discussed what to do while limpek in the middle bleeding and screaming and crying for Baby Gojira. Abit like Lord of The Rings, nabeh... Fellowship of the Zipped Penis.

End up limpek's favorite kiddy jeans was cut until small small pieces. Only two pieces of cloth and the zipper left. Kaninah as if butterfly wings grow on Baby Gojira. Then when they pull each cloth apart limpek remember screaming as though Baby Gojira will be gone forever.

Until today still can shiver when think about it.


Wednesday, June 16, 2010

When Life Throws Lemons At You, Give It The Finger (and then get over it)


A series of unfortunate events on a supposedly typical Tuesday morning.



Limpek's boss was complaining last week because limpek has been late a few times to work. So this week, limpek put extra effort into waking up earlier rather than wasting the ten minutes humping the bolster. Monday was great as limpek actually arrived to the office before any other staff. Tuesday was going great to, timing all ngam ngam already.


Limpek finish my typical morning coffee and ciggie and got into the car. Phone, wallet, ciggie, checked. Time to roll. Turn up the volume, insert car key, turn...



KEK KEK KEK.... spurt spurt..




Hamik!?!?



Turned key again,



KEK KEK... spurt.


....


battery is dead


fuck me.


Limpek checked if anything was left on overnight, but not a single thing. Besides, it has been taking slightly longer to start the engine these lately so limpek kinda guess its the battery that's almost konk. Or the alternator.


There goes limpek's streak of early attendance. Limpek figured I might as well call the boss to inform him so at least he knows that limpek already woke up and didnt just overslept like always.





Limpek : “Morning Boss, I think I’m gonna be late today” (very pek-chek because cant use ‘limpek’)


Boss : “Why?”


Limpek : “My car battery is dead la, cannot start”


Boss : “Really? Last night’s game very nice is it?”


Limpek : “Har? What you mean Boss?”


Boss : “Car cannot start or watch World Cup until cannot wake up?”


Limpek : “Nolar Boss! I didn’t even watch last night’s game!”


Boss : “Are you sure? Car can suddenly not able to start after a nice football match wan eh?”


Limpek : “Walaoeh Boss! You ownself listen…”


*cranks engine. Engine went KEK KEK KEK…silence.*



Limpek : “See?”


Boss : “Sounds like your battery is dead”


Limpek : “Erm… that’s what I said”


Boss : “Then just change or charge battery it doesn’t take much time. Don’t have to take the day off”


Limpek : “Erm… I didn’t say I wanted to take the day off”


Boss : “ … “


Limpek : “ … ”


Boss : “ … “


Limpek : “ ..hello?”


Boss : “You very smart hor?”


Limpek : “Huh?!” (wtf?)


Boss : “I’m busy now don’t disturb me. Hurry up and get it done and get back to work”


Limpek : “Yes boss. Will this be- “




Click Doooooo. Hangup already.



Apparently boss belongs to the generation of chinamen who doesn’t believe in saying “goodbye” or closure in conversations. A lot of the older generations tend to do that. Limpek’s own father used to do that.


“Tomorrow come for dinner.” Click Dooooooo…


“Yes there’s a mail for you in my office.” Click Dooooooo…


“Okay.” Click Doooooo…


“No, can’t make it.” Click Dooooo…


“Umm..” Click Dooooo…



No wonder limpek’s mental abit imbalance. Whole life have to layan these kinda people. Wanna curse somemore cannot, later got puahbai blogger say limpek no substance.


Boh pian lor, limpek borrow car from neighbor Sean (pronounced SHAWN. Not si-en). Sean everyday late for work wan, so he steady pom-pi-pi lend limpek, no problem for him at all.


Limpek go nearby gas station, they don’t sell car batteries. Somemore the makcik asked limpek, got Yamaha motor batteries wanna buy anot. Limpek if got mood will ask the makcik, buy the motor wan to electricute my nipples issit? But no mood so didn’t bother hiu her stupid question. Maybe she just want to hiao with limpek.



End up have to drive 2km away to chao ah beng service center. Those with a lot of Proton that look like transformers wan. Some even have transformer stickers. Kanineh ugly like fuck. If Optimus Prime transform into a car like that, limpek think he will commit suicide first. Straight away go long piak. The cibai spoiler wing can stack 3-4 layers wan, maybe to use to dry clothes.





"Transformers, more than meets the eye"


This kind of ah beng foreman, sure chop your neck and bleed you dry. Limpek also boh pian, because its nearest one already. Ah beng foreman test the battery, not yet 1 minute straight away tell limpek battery cannot save already. Kanineh limpek also knew beforehand what kind of bullshit he going to say.

“You haven’t even charge the battery, how you know it cannot hold a charge anymore?”

Ah beng junior look flustered. Then ah beng junior went to look for ah beng senior. Ah beng senior come and tell limpek.


“En-tao eh, this one our new gadget, can tell current condition of battery wan. You see the meter, if fall below this line ha, meaning is unnatural already. Meaning cannot be saved already”

Limpek also don’t know how to argue with him. Actually quite sien and tired to argue early in the morning also. For what you know, that could be a bicycle tyre pump meter.

“Aiya you like that say limpek also can’t say anything lor. How much is a new battery?”

“En-tao eh, new one got 2 types. Water ones and dry ones. Dry ones RM260.00… Water on-“

“PPBHHHHTT!!!! WHOA!!! TWO HUNDRED SIXTY!!??” (limpek almost spit out breakfast coffee)

“Yes, yes en-tao-eh, RM260 dry one. Water one RM200 only.”

“WHY SO EXPENSIVE!!! BATTERY ONLY LA!! People sell AA battery or AAA battery few ringgit, you sell car battery RM260?! You don’t suan siao limpek ok!”

“En-tao-eh, car battery memang like that wan. You don’t believe you go ask next door foreman. They will tell you the same. You can buy the water one, but gerenti very fast spoil. Not worth it. Spend extra 50 ringgit, maybe will last 5 months more! Not like girl liddat, got water always better!”

What an incredible sales pitch. "Not like girl liddat, got water always better". Limpek was impressed for a moment.

Actually he was right. Over at Canada and States, limpek used to buy around USD50 for a car battery also. Converted to ringgit, RM260 isnt too surprising. But the problem is over there you earn USD4-5k. Over here you also earn RM4-5k. How? Hongkan lor how. Furthermore the battery usually lasts 3-4 years over there. This shit limpek had, only lasted 1 year 1 month. Somemore this one he’s selling is some weird unknown China brand.

“Don’t worry en-tao-eh. Now we got special offer. Buy 2 free 1. You buy 2 then we pasang the free one. 3 years no need worry”

Siao boh?! Take 3 battery for what? Charge lampahzi one for each ar? Limpek think he thought limpek is big stupid fish. Kanineh what kind of stupid promotion is this, don’t know who go and think up. Want to copy Coffee Bean buy 10 free 1. Mah cipiet!

“Don’t want la. Buy so many batteries, scared world will end ah?”

“Eh, en-tao-eh, don’t like that say, you never know ohh”


Kanineh, he’s right again. On two things. Calling me en-tao and the world might actually be ending. Puahbai senior beng is actually quite a smart fellow.


After paying the damn RM260 limpek quickly rushed home to install the battery. After swapping it limpek only thought about it. What if that bugger was really bluffing and the old battery was actually okay but only drained? And what if limpek’s alternator is the one that is fucked? Meaning cannot recharge the battery. Then this battery will hold for 1 trip and will be killed permanently after that!

But no choice liao. Sean has to leave for work liao. And boss sent another message reminding limpek of the important site evaluation before noon. So limpek say prayers Amitabha, Amen, Insya Allah and hopefully 3 religions will po-pi limpek.


Being late and feeling good about the current engine response, limpek ‘lup’ the pedal and fly my baby to work. Traffic is quite clear (because limpek super fucking late already and its past peak hours) so limpek just keep flying on only.

But something keeps bothering limpek, don’t know why feel like forgot to do something. Think and think also limpek cannot remember.

Then reach the cut-throat toll gate, limpek take-out the Smart Tag, saw an empty sticker on it. Quite curious also, obviously limpek wanted to remind myself of something but didn’t scribble anything on the sticker. Went in the toll gate then only limpek realize.

Supposed to reload credit on the Touch N Go card this morning cause only 20cents left. Hong kan. Too late.

Obviously the gate didn’t magically raise, limpek even almost crash through it. Limpek always fuck those stupid people holding up the Smart Tag lanes in the highway, who would’ve known today it will be limpek’s turn to become stupid.

Worse still, already got 2-3 jokers lining up behind limpek. Wanna gostan change lane also cannot. So limpek frantically press the alarm button on the booth machine, wanting someone to at least let limpek through and park aside.

Then this cibai Nissan van behind limpek keep honking. At first he randomly honked. Limpek kancheong already then keep pressing the toll-booth alarm which no one responded. All the toll officials busy tickling each others testicles issit? Cant even answer alarm!

Then the cibai Nissan van start to honk in melody. Like, honk honk…. honk honk honk….. honk honk honk honk…… honk hoooonkkkkk….. Somemore tarik the last honk. Kaninah limpek also beh tahan this bugger.

Tekan tekan alarm, STILL NO ANSWER! Then this time the van ki siao already, straight away tarik a 3 second hooonnnnkkkk….. followed by another 3 second hoooonnkkk….


Wah limpek really blood also boil. Limpek look behind, knn ccb, all the cars behind the van is gone. So the van can easily reverse and turn to next lane! Limpek tulan liao straight away give them Chivas Royal Salute


After that, all hell break loose. Cibai van straight away go crazy. Honk non-stop 6-7 seconds. Then followed by similar honks one after another. Limpek kek until the vein in the forehead also want to pop out already. Plus the stupid toll cibai officers still don’t want to respond.

At one point the van just pressed the horn and didn't let go.

Can feel the fuse letup already in the head. So limpek grab the pipe kept under the carpet and step out of the car. Then limpek stare at the van. Only then limpek realize inside the van got 4 indon-looking buggers! Somemore quite big size!


HAI LAT limpek thought. So many! Although limpek think limpek quite hero like Ip Man, but realistically, with 4 of them the pipe will probably end up inside limpek’s asshole and out the mouth.





Limpek really tulan until can explode at that point, but still hoping not all of them will step out of car. 1 or 2 enough already. If not, all of them come together, limpek got 10 pipes also no use. So limpek just stand outside my car and stare at the driver. The cipet driver also just stare at limpek inside his van. But at least now he stop honking liao. Kanineh passerby will think this is two lovers staring into each others eyes.

Then the stupid toll officers finally come out and ask for the Smart Tag. The cibai van suddenly let out a honk, swerve to the next lane and drive past us. At the point of passing limpek, they purposely slow down.




Then gave limpek a nice farewell present.









wow.



Never had limpek been fingered so much that it felt like a Japanese gang-bang AV. Suddenly feel abit like Annabel Chong.

KNN CCB!!! Pukitiang! of course limpek tulan until like going to explode any minute! Like those pimple super cooked already, swollen and red and filled with pus. A bit of dust will make it explode.

The stupid toll officer somemore don’t know mumble what fuck, do things slow slow there. By the time they reload limpek’s Touch N Go card, and then reactivate the toll gate, limpek think the Van reach all the way to Thailand already. Wahpiang! Limpek believe can see smoke coming out from my ear.

Then nevermind, forget it, go office first already super late. Supposed to meet with boss there to go site together. Reach the office, boss already left cause running late for the appointment. Limpek call boss, kena fuck again. Boss ask limpek quickly go because some urgent drawings with me.

So limpek packed all the required material and documents, lockup office room and was about to leave. Suddenly feel stomach something wrong. Walaoeh…


Most likely too many Ramly Burgers while watching football yesterday night (yes limpek did watch). Somemore it’s the 4-star kind of funny stomach, that kind if you’re not careful will explode suddenly. But at least not 5-star. If 5-star funny stomach, can forget it and go bomb toilet liao.

But limpek calm down and try to think straight. Slowly load the stuff in the car and soothe my nerves. After some mental meditation, things start to look better and more peaceful.



So limpek start the car.



KEK kek kek kek…. spurt spurt.






...


Tried one more time… KEK KEK… spurt.





Murphy’s Fucking Law. Whatever that can go wrong, will go wrong.


How? Alternator fucked. RM260 for nothing. Meeting late. No transport.

Limpek got no choice but to inform boss what’s going on.


“Hello boss?”

“Ya, what now??”

“My car… cannot start again. I think the alternator is de-”







Click Doooooo….






(When life throws lemons at you, give it the finger and then get over it)


Monday, June 14, 2010

Long Post If Got D Cup. But Now Short Post Because Of World Cup!



Its world cup season. So give limpek a chance to watch football. Although to be honest, limpek dont really care too much about football. But limpek see the chikopeks everyday bet football, win here win there, like money so easy to earn. Win thousands of ringgit each night, but go out that time never see them buy limpek drinks. Puahbai assholes. Limpek somemore have to lick balls and let contractors fuck until sun goes down only can smell that kind of money.

SMELL only.

Because after deduct all the shit we have to pay the gahmen (worst investment ever), and then deduct all the bills and credit card, then maybe only armpit hair is left.

Oh yes, by the way, we do PAY the gahmen taxes, yes? So how come they treat us like we work for them instead?


So limpek trying to learn more football and try win money. There's an office pool with limpek's chikopek friends involved also. Everybody gets to pick one team to win the Cup. Limpek picked Spain. If Spain wins the World Cup, limpek will win 64 jugs of beer. Wahlaoeh puahbai! Thats like, 3 months supply of free happy hour liao! Sibeh steady!

Then if got this ger to come serve the free beer.... WAH STEADY!!!

disclaimer: pic found in google. Limpek's ger friends not so steady

Actually limpek also dont know what team good, but hear Hitz FM Morning Crew say most Malaysians think Spain will win. So mah follow wisdom of the crowd lor. But maybe not a good idea hor, since a bunch of Malaysians crowd together usually end up do stupid things wan. Like, voting for this gahmen.

But at least better than Tobby pick England. Yesterday in Zouk watch England play, wahaha!, shit!, how to win world cup like that! USA the lampah team also they play until like playing Brazil. But then see Argentina like very kaulat also feel abit scared. Hopefully their psycho maradonut manager will self destruct the team.


Maradonut

So hopefully Spain will oon-oon-eat bee hoon, steady pom-pi-pi!!! Go Go Spain!!! Go Go 64 Jugs!!

Limpek going to be like this, sipping on the free 64 jugs of beer. Since you all keep asking limpek to post limpek's picture. Suan le ba, limpek post one now.


......




Como Estas babehh, are you down down down down down?


Sexy leh... Told you limpek no bluff wan. Limpek also think limpek sibeh jialat sexy.

What? You dont believe it's limpek? Why you so untrusting of people wan? It is so limpek okay.

What? You say its angmoh? Eh... why you like that one? Limpek cannot have 1/32 angmoh blood wan ar? Maybe last time limpek's great grandmother was Portuguese?
You look at the necklace, it clearly says "Goldfish".

What?? You say limpek draw on it wan?? Why you like that wan?? Teacher never tell you cannot be so untrusting towards everybody wan?

Suan le ba, suan le ba. Limpek try to convince you also tulan.


On a sidenote, check out this puahbai angmoh who calls himself aussie pete. Another finalist in the awards. According to Pete (on video interview), limpek's blog is about my uncle and his goldfish. HAHAHAHA. Angmoh really powderful wan hor... no need to read or understand your blog also they can say you're funny. Limpek also char lan dou (grab balls) -_- ...

Sorry la Pete if limpek's blog "lacks substance and quality". You can file an NCR with limpek's ISO on the Q&S department. But limpek's blog has always been ciplak like that.

But anyway, limpek think Ms.Chorlor or Fauzi's blog is gonna kick your ass for the awards, even if you think they're just all "shock and awe" or "splattering life-size image of themselves". Unless hot ger THB is right and they already know you're their winner. (Pete is supposed to be some big shot anyway, according to himself). As for limpek's little small-time blog, already gain a few more readers so target achieved liao. So dont kaupeh about this small potato blog ok?







Wednesday, June 9, 2010

A Chikopek Brother Named Cliffard


Limpek very free to surf blogs today, read some good entries...


Major LULP (laugh until lampah pain):


Yummy ChrispyKreme's hot dog stand



and Crispy's version


vote for Chrispykreme for Modelling Blog awards!


And Jz's shopping




What if you ask Jz to buy you condom?




jialat...


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A chikopek brother named Cliffard




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Komodo! Blood related but abit smaller than Gojira


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(omg, this is turning into a hentai porn manga blog liao... must tone down abit.)


Monday, June 7, 2010

B2B Hartamas Part 2: Tomyum Trap, Gojira Attack!




When limpek came out of the room... this was what limpek saw on the waiting lounge. Limpek's chikopek friends looking like they had figure out the ultimate true happiness of life. Dont even have to meditate under the Bo tree. Can see their legs also shakey-shakey

Tobby as usual is in the toilet. For some weird reason he always have to pangsai everytime after massage. Sometimes, he massage halfway will tell the masseuse to wait. Then he has to go toilet pangsai. Kanineh this kind of disgusting puahbai. Somemore keep farting when the masseuse step on his back, think we cannot hear.


Actually Tobby's pangsai problem got underlying medical reasons. Limpek show you the doctor diagram, easier to understand.

very clogged passages



You see?

This is why you need a clean digestive system. Tobby's intestines is too filled with leftover chocolate cake. Thats why doctor always ask you to eat fruits and vegetables to clear your intestines. Then only pangsai will become soon-soon.

Now if got too much chocolate cake here and there, once the masseuse put pressure on one part, all will rush to the back and cause traffic jam. Like the kind of traffic jam in Penang bridge. Want to fart also very hard to find exit.


Too much trafffic jam also no good for health. The chocolate cake will absorb into your body and later your sweat turn brown colour then you jialat. So listen to limpek, drink more water, eat more vegetable and fruits.



Okay so what actually happen before limpek come out and see chikopeks all looking like just kena lottery? To be honest limpek abit shy to tell. But then nevermind la, life is too short to be shy.



So back to about 20 minutes before...

Tomyum say "Hamsemmm... you want massage there? Me make come out veli niceee..."

Limpek say "YES! FASTER MAKE COME OUT VELI NAIS!!!


Tomyum was sibeh experienced. She knows how to change gear, fast to slow, slow to fast at exact paces. Not like limpek's last girlfriend Vivian Lee. Last time start only straight away gear 5. Pull and tug so kaulat, nabeh, maybe she thought it was fishing line stuck in the rocks? Then almost cum that time she slow down to 70 year old auntie Tai Chi pace. Then somemore sometimes can yawn wan. Nabehh....



Tomyum, every 2 minutes will ask "Yes? Baby ham-semmm... you liiiike?" then she will say "oo-yess me liiike your gun.. very big and hard yes?"


Compare to Vivian Lee last time, every 2 minutes will complain "why so long wan! Tsk... jierrr!!" then give you the face like she is the ahlong you owe her money. The most jialat is when she say "Tsk! Jieerr!! Dowan already la! Tired already!! You finish yourself!"




Okay you get my point. Tomyum handjob is sibeh kaulat. Halfway she go through each gear, turn hand clockwise, anti-clockwise, clockwise AND anti-clockwise... (wahpiang she really cock wise), the suddenly ask limpek. "you want me suck? very big and hard me want to suckkk... hmmm... baby ham-semmm?"

Wah kanineh gear 4 already that time! Suddenly handbrake stop and purposely ask me this kind of question. The feeling is like want to sneeze but suddenly sneeze disappear! Or like want to fart during quiet meeting but cannot! Limpek head also blank already, dont know why image of waterfall keep appearing only.


Then she say "only 50 ringgit more... hmm? let me suck?"


Shit.

This Tomyum also got go Advance Sales and Marketing seminar by Robert Kiyosaki wan must be. Limpek feel like kena sales trap last minute, want to say no also impossible since Gojira look at me like want to bite me already.


Limpek took a deep breath. Think of our "First Lady" Rosmah in grandmother panties. Okay good, Gojira got scared and shrink abit.
Now the blood start to flow to the brain upstairs again. Limpek processor start to make logic:

  1. Tomyum ger might not be clean.
  2. Limpek also almost cum already, later she kiss Gojira only straight away game over liao mah very wasted?
  3. RM50 can buy 1 more jug of beer for happy hour!

Actually limpek most worried because limpek very kiamsiap the Tomyum doesnt look very clean. Not to say she very smelly or got cockroach running around her body, but then this kind of judgment you have to learn quickly or risk kena desease. Limpek dont want later Gojira grow mushroom.

Limpek see she also dont have Listerine to wash her mouth along with all the medical stuff they gargle with before they give blowjob. The professional ones always also got Listerine and those medical mouthwash. Then they will usually apply the Listerine on your gugujiao also, making it burn until become ba-gua. But limpek dont know why bother with Listerine. Nabeh Listerine only kill bad breath-bacteria la puahbai. STD cannot die also! Just use the medical wash can already.

This Tomyum, everything also dont have. The breath doesn't smell, the teeth looks clean and there's no suspicious sore around the mouth. But limpek ka lu kong its always best not to take risk!

So limpek say "Its okay darling, just continue. Don't stop anymore okay? Very good already. You are very very good!"

Tomyum ger look abit disappointed, but she smile also since limpek say she is very good. So she continue with her gear 1 to gear 5, clockwise and anticlockwise, on and on and on....


and on and on...


and on...


What you expect to happen? Gojira fail on limpek and fall asleep?





OF COURSE NOT!!!



As with all good massages, it must have a happy ending.Although many Goldfish Ultramen Babies have to die in the tissue that night, but still their sacrifice is necessary for the happy ending.

The things limpek have to do for Gojira.... sigh...


So is this the end of the story? Can say so lah if you are those cipet who have sex straightaway without going through the oral and mental stimulation. Foreplay is the word. But because limpek so cheong hei talk so long already limpek have to save one detail for next entry.

Here's the thing... why is limpek's brother Cliffard looking like this? Abit different expression from the other two



Well, give limpek 2 days and limpek will finish that part of the story la. Alot of other things limpek wanna say also need to catch up liao. Puahbai boss... always chase me out of office.
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