Yesterday afternoon, lunch time, sms come already.
SMS was from Tobby:
"Confirm me and Cliffard going to this b2b massage in hartamas today to try. Reach at 8.30. You guys want to go or want to wait for field report only?"
Actually limpek was already expecting these chikopeks to be calling one of these days. Their gugu itch schedule is very consistent, even more dependable than a girl's menstrual cycle. Limpek also don't blame them. Everyday work like dog, boss keep barking, go home kena bitch by wife, then kids demanding like puppies.
No wonder all become wong-dog-dog. Only know how to chase pussy.
At times like these, limpek also quite relief to be single bachelor.
When Tobby message challenge you like that, it usually means he is very hiao already. Purposely spite you to go. But then again, he is hiao all the time anyway. Actually he no need to ask anymore. When the two ultimate chicken king Tobby and Cliffard combine to become Captain Ayamas, the other chikopeks sure will be infected with their hiao-ness.
Not yet 10 mins, Weeman call me already. "Eh bugger, going anot B2B Hartamas?"
To be honest, limpek always hear B2B but never knew what the heck it is. Only after Tiong Beng explain then limpek know its Body To Body. Kanineh why name so high tech wan? Like Y2K, WWF, 2Xist, ACDC so glamour. Cipet, they think they 16 years old meh, wanna follow people use fancy shortform. Really OMG, WTF. Limpek somemore thought it was Boobjob + Blowjob massage, like that so untung. But cannot be kua since only RM100.
These chikopek terms, lingos and shortforms, really hard to keep up. Must consult with Tiong Beng and Weeman only can because they spend half their working time surfing the Malaysian chicken forums. When limpek ask them to visit my blog, they come skim through in two minutes. But in the chicken forum, 5 hours login time. Puahbai..
So they are like walking dictionary for chickenforum lingo. All those B2B (body to body), GFF (girlfriend feeling), TomYum (Thai girls), 3-Bee (anal rimming), 4-Bee (you dont want to know), CIM (cum in mouth), and many more also they teach wan. Limpek think they will be angry with me for revealing their hamsap codes. So better not tell so many. Later they cannot bluff their wives say they're going to eat tomyum at the 4B restaurant with Mister Chim. Also with all the active participation in these hamsap forums, they know all the best hamsap places in Malaysia.
Weeman say the place is called Aura. So Aura we go in very high spirits. Everyone was very happy and excited, feel like last time primary school skip class go arcade center together. Last time arcade center sometimes police somemore come and raid, have to run like shit. Now old already, if police come and raid also still have to run like shit. Some people say this is call 'cannot grow up'. But limpek prefer to call it 'forever young'.
On the way, everybody had the same thing in their minds. Think until lampah also become blue.
Hartamas there, got quite alot of nice happy hour pubs. Got what Barakuda, Club 7, and some others with big nehneh girls as GRO. Some pubs also got live band with hot ger singing. The one in Club 7, the singing ger is very pretty and talented. If limpek remember correctly her name is Jessie or something. Always singing Tiger Huang wan. We all also agreed next time must go for happy hour.
But then see punya see, where got Aura? Everywhere look so 'zheng keng' and only got rows and rows of pubs. Weeman start to panic liao and call his friends along with Tiong Beng. But everybody say got Aura, near mc Donald and near the pubs there.
Then walk punya walk (parking in Hartamas is always a KNNCCB experience), finally see got one massage place. But the name Adora. Weeman called to fuck the ahbeng friend.
"Cibai, Adora or Aura!? Adora issit!?"
"Ya kolek kolek! A-ola! A-ola! kolek liao!"
"Har? so its Adora?"
"Ya, a-ola kolek liao!"
"Not Aura rite?"
"Har? Hami? Ya! Ya! A-OLA is kolek liao"
(=___=''') ... really puah bai talk to this kind of people.
But we go up anyway la since already there. Already feel something very wrong because the promotional banner downstairs show all those clean massage kind of stuff, dont know what Zen Massage la, Thai Aromatheraphy la, Soft Rock Massage la, Mud Facial treatment la, like those normal massage cater to rich aunties type. Limpek also donno why these rich aunties need so much massage. Play mahjong everyday and shopping too much until body sore maybe. Limpek should just offer them clit massage services. Sure business sell like hot cakes.
Go upstairs, puahbai, the door all locked shut, inside look dark dark. Somemore no CCTV outside. Confirm something wrong liao. Its standard operating procedure (SOP) to install CCTV outside for hamsap massage parlors to screen clients just in case kena police raid. If no CCTV, no make sense liao unless its clean parlor. Kanineh look at next door neighbor, wahlau lawyer firm somemore! Cannot be open hamsap massage parlor next to lawyer office rite!?
Tiong Beng say maybe the lawyer open wan leh? True also. If limpek open hamsap place next to office, can be quite song also.
Then we try to call the number on the promotional banner. No one pickup. Straight away feel like kena pour cold water. Libido also disappear half. Gugujiao also shrink 1 inch.
Left with no choice, we went back downstairs to the streets. Cliffard then suggest "why not we just go drink beer listen to cute ger sing and layan the hot ger GRO? Since the nearby pubs also quite nice."
straightaway the others stopped in their tracks and turn around...
Wahlau. If our parliament can be so co-operative like them then maybe Malaysia will be more efficient. Instead we only got paria-men in the parliament.
Come to think of it, its almost like anti-smoking campaign poster.
Suddenly Tiong Beng say he read about another place nearby call Millenia or something, also quite good. Somemore got promotion! Limpek also dont know why he didnt say earlier. So of course we changed destination and head to Millenia (kanineh hi-tech name again).
Millenia quite easy to find, facing Souled Out Hartamas only. This time confirm ons already because all the criteria also fit:
- No proper signboard
- No aunty massage promotional banner
- No proper lighting
- No lawyer office opposite
- GOT cctv
But got problem. If want to go hamsap massage in Malaysia, try not to go in big group. Because always not enough girls! Puahbai! There's five of us but only two girls working. Since we do things must together-gether wan then we told the mouse manager (hamsap place managers always look like mouse) to import some from their nearest branch. Apparently they have a place in TTDI also. So just wait for them to send them over.
Suddenly see Tiong Beng whispering whispering to mouse manager, then limpek go eavesdrop, found out he booking some girl by the name of Nin. This puahbai really take his cheong-ing seriously, got do all his homework and research beforehand. Last time study SPM didnt see him so hardworking also. Always act gangster and bully the nerds only.
The girls, 4 were Tomyum. 1 was local chinese. Limpek got the Tomyum girl because based on reputation they are better at massage. Her name limpek also forgot already because very hard to pronounce.
The massage was so-so only. Not as powderful as Sum Poon's massage in K.L. That one got fat auntie to pull out your ligamen and step their 70kg leg on your back. Painful like fuck until can hear bones breaking but sibeh song.
As for the Body to Body massage, its not really something new. Limpek also had it many times before but didnt know its called B2B. In China all the xiao long nus also know how to do. Its quite stupid actually, they use their neh neh to massage your back, your arms, legs and even your feet. If your toes are very flexible maybe you can even 'kiap' her nipples with it. But if she slap you dont come complain to limpek.
Basically once in a while you can feel soft papaya brushing against your skin if she applies the pressure just right. If she leans in too much, it feels no different than two slabs of Bakuteh meat on your back. The best is sometimes they trail your back with the nipples. So can feel like two jelly ball-bearings running around on your skin. But the thing is, not like limpek's back got very sensitive nerves, can appreciate the curve or bounce or softness of the nehneh. All limpek can feel is mostly a lump of fats on my back. Limpek still think only the fingers, hands, feet, face and mouth got enough nerve endings to appreciate nehnehs.
So overall, like limpek say, B2B massage is quite stupid. Might as well do normal massage with happy ending or hamsap KTV tekan neh neh.
As usual lor, massage punya massage, scary things tend to happen.
This is when the under 18 readers can stop reading. Like mommy always tell you, never go listen to the Goldfish Uncle talk.
So Tomyum girl say "Hamsemmm... you want massage there? Me make come out veli niceee..."
Limpek say "No no no, you must say veli 'nais'. Say.... me Cheesie make you come veli naaiissss."
Okay nolar limpek didnt really say that. Sampat meh.
That time limpek already brain dead like the zombie in Resident Evil. Only can think of coming-out-very-nais in the head. So limpek tell her "YES! FASTER MAKE COME OUT VELI NAIS!!!"
to be continued.
(now that's what limpek call literally potong stim)