When Life Throws Lemons At You, Give It The Finger (and then get over it)

A series of unfortunate events on a supposedly typical Tuesday morning.

Limpek's boss was complaining last week because limpek has been late a few times to work. So this week, limpek put extra effort into waking up earlier rather than wasting the ten minutes humping the bolster. Monday was great as limpek actually arrived to the office before any other staff. Tuesday was going great to, timing all ngam ngam already.

Limpek finish my typical morning coffee and ciggie and got into the car. Phone, wallet, ciggie, checked. Time to roll. Turn up the volume, insert car key, turn...

KEK KEK KEK.... spurt spurt..

Hamik!?!?

Turned key again,

KEK KEK... spurt.

....

battery is dead

fuck me.

Limpek checked if anything was left on overnight, but not a single thing. Besides, it has been taking slightly longer to start the engine these lately so limpek kinda guess its the battery that's almost konk. Or the alternator.

There goes limpek's streak of early attendance. Limpek figured I might as well call the boss to inform him so at least he knows that limpek already woke up and didnt just overslept like always.

Limpek : “Morning Boss, I think I’m gonna be late today” (very pek-chek because cant use ‘limpek’)

Boss : “Why?”

Limpek : “My car battery is dead la, cannot start”

Boss : “Really? Last night’s game very nice is it?”

Limpek : “Har? What you mean Boss?”

Boss : “Car cannot start or watch World Cup until cannot wake up?”

Limpek : “Nolar Boss! I didn’t even watch last night’s game!”

Boss : “Are you sure? Car can suddenly not able to start after a nice football match wan eh?”

Limpek : “Walaoeh Boss! You ownself listen…”

*cranks engine. Engine went KEK KEK KEK…silence.*

Limpek : “See?”

Boss : “Sounds like your battery is dead”

Limpek : “Erm… that’s what I said”

Boss : “Then just change or charge battery it doesn’t take much time. Don’t have to take the day off”

Limpek : “Erm… I didn’t say I wanted to take the day off”

Boss : “ … “

Limpek : “ … ”

Boss : “ … “

Limpek : “ ..hello?”

Boss : “You very smart hor?”

Limpek : “Huh?!” (wtf?)

Boss : “I’m busy now don’t disturb me. Hurry up and get it done and get back to work”

Limpek : “Yes boss. Will this be- “

Click Doooooo. Hangup already.

Apparently boss belongs to the generation of chinamen who doesn’t believe in saying “goodbye” or closure in conversations. A lot of the older generations tend to do that. Limpek’s own father used to do that.

“Tomorrow come for dinner.” Click Dooooooo…

“Yes there’s a mail for you in my office.” Click Dooooooo…

“Okay.” Click Doooooo…

“No, can’t make it.” Click Dooooo…

“Umm..” Click Dooooo…

No wonder limpek’s mental abit imbalance. Whole life have to layan these kinda people. Wanna curse somemore cannot, later got puahbai blogger say limpek no substance.

Boh pian lor, limpek borrow car from neighbor Sean (pronounced SHAWN. Not si-en). Sean everyday late for work wan, so he steady pom-pi-pi lend limpek, no problem for him at all.

Limpek go nearby gas station, they don’t sell car batteries. Somemore the makcik asked limpek, got Yamaha motor batteries wanna buy anot. Limpek if got mood will ask the makcik, buy the motor wan to electricute my nipples issit? But no mood so didn’t bother hiu her stupid question. Maybe she just want to hiao with limpek.

End up have to drive 2km away to chao ah beng service center. Those with a lot of Proton that look like transformers wan. Some even have transformer stickers. Kanineh ugly like fuck. If Optimus Prime transform into a car like that, limpek think he will commit suicide first. Straight away go long piak. The cibai spoiler wing can stack 3-4 layers wan, maybe to use to dry clothes.

"Transformers, more than meets the eye"

This kind of ah beng foreman, sure chop your neck and bleed you dry. Limpek also boh pian, because its nearest one already. Ah beng foreman test the battery, not yet 1 minute straight away tell limpek battery cannot save already. Kanineh limpek also knew beforehand what kind of bullshit he going to say.

“You haven’t even charge the battery, how you know it cannot hold a charge anymore?”

Ah beng junior look flustered. Then ah beng junior went to look for ah beng senior. Ah beng senior come and tell limpek.

“En-tao eh, this one our new gadget, can tell current condition of battery wan. You see the meter, if fall below this line ha, meaning is unnatural already. Meaning cannot be saved already”

Limpek also don’t know how to argue with him. Actually quite sien and tired to argue early in the morning also. For what you know, that could be a bicycle tyre pump meter.

“Aiya you like that say limpek also can’t say anything lor. How much is a new battery?”

“En-tao eh, new one got 2 types. Water ones and dry ones. Dry ones RM260.00… Water on-“

“PPBHHHHTT!!!! WHOA!!! TWO HUNDRED SIXTY!!??” (limpek almost spit out breakfast coffee)

“Yes, yes en-tao-eh, RM260 dry one. Water one RM200 only.”

“WHY SO EXPENSIVE!!! BATTERY ONLY LA!! People sell AA battery or AAA battery few ringgit, you sell car battery RM260?! You don’t suan siao limpek ok!”

“En-tao-eh, car battery memang like that wan. You don’t believe you go ask next door foreman. They will tell you the same. You can buy the water one, but gerenti very fast spoil. Not worth it. Spend extra 50 ringgit, maybe will last 5 months more! Not like girl liddat, got water always better!”

What an incredible sales pitch. "Not like girl liddat, got water always better". Limpek was impressed for a moment.

Actually he was right. Over at Canada and States, limpek used to buy around USD50 for a car battery also. Converted to ringgit, RM260 isnt too surprising. But the problem is over there you earn USD4-5k. Over here you also earn RM4-5k. How? Hongkan lor how. Furthermore the battery usually lasts 3-4 years over there. This shit limpek had, only lasted 1 year 1 month. Somemore this one he’s selling is some weird unknown China brand.

“Don’t worry en-tao-eh. Now we got special offer. Buy 2 free 1. You buy 2 then we pasang the free one. 3 years no need worry”

Siao boh?! Take 3 battery for what? Charge lampahzi one for each ar? Limpek think he thought limpek is big stupid fish. Kanineh what kind of stupid promotion is this, don’t know who go and think up. Want to copy Coffee Bean buy 10 free 1. Mah cipiet!

“Don’t want la. Buy so many batteries, scared world will end ah?”

“Eh, en-tao-eh, don’t like that say, you never know ohh”

Kanineh, he’s right again. On two things. Calling me en-tao and the world might actually be ending. Puahbai senior beng is actually quite a smart fellow.

After paying the damn RM260 limpek quickly rushed home to install the battery. After swapping it limpek only thought about it. What if that bugger was really bluffing and the old battery was actually okay but only drained? And what if limpek’s alternator is the one that is fucked? Meaning cannot recharge the battery. Then this battery will hold for 1 trip and will be killed permanently after that!

But no choice liao. Sean has to leave for work liao. And boss sent another message reminding limpek of the important site evaluation before noon. So limpek say prayers Amitabha, Amen, Insya Allah and hopefully 3 religions will po-pi limpek.

Being late and feeling good about the current engine response, limpek ‘lup’ the pedal and fly my baby to work. Traffic is quite clear (because limpek super fucking late already and its past peak hours) so limpek just keep flying on only.

But something keeps bothering limpek, don’t know why feel like forgot to do something. Think and think also limpek cannot remember.

Then reach the cut-throat toll gate, limpek take-out the Smart Tag, saw an empty sticker on it. Quite curious also, obviously limpek wanted to remind myself of something but didn’t scribble anything on the sticker. Went in the toll gate then only limpek realize.

Supposed to reload credit on the Touch N Go card this morning cause only 20cents left. Hong kan. Too late.

Obviously the gate didn’t magically raise, limpek even almost crash through it. Limpek always fuck those stupid people holding up the Smart Tag lanes in the highway, who would’ve known today it will be limpek’s turn to become stupid.

Worse still, already got 2-3 jokers lining up behind limpek. Wanna gostan change lane also cannot. So limpek frantically press the alarm button on the booth machine, wanting someone to at least let limpek through and park aside.

Then this cibai Nissan van behind limpek keep honking. At first he randomly honked. Limpek kancheong already then keep pressing the toll-booth alarm which no one responded. All the toll officials busy tickling each others testicles issit? Cant even answer alarm!

Then the cibai Nissan van start to honk in melody. Like, honk honk…. honk honk honk….. honk honk honk honk…… honk hoooonkkkkk….. Somemore tarik the last honk. Kaninah limpek also beh tahan this bugger.

Tekan tekan alarm, STILL NO ANSWER! Then this time the van ki siao already, straight away tarik a 3 second hooonnnnkkkk….. followed by another 3 second hoooonnkkk….

Wah limpek really blood also boil. Limpek look behind, knn ccb, all the cars behind the van is gone. So the van can easily reverse and turn to next lane! Limpek tulan liao straight away give them Chivas Royal Salute

After that, all hell break loose. Cibai van straight away go crazy. Honk non-stop 6-7 seconds. Then followed by similar honks one after another. Limpek kek until the vein in the forehead also want to pop out already. Plus the stupid toll cibai officers still don’t want to respond.

At one point the van just pressed the horn and didn't let go.

Can feel the fuse letup already in the head. So limpek grab the pipe kept under the carpet and step out of the car. Then limpek stare at the van. Only then limpek realize inside the van got 4 indon-looking buggers! Somemore quite big size!

HAI LAT limpek thought. So many! Although limpek think limpek quite hero like Ip Man, but realistically, with 4 of them the pipe will probably end up inside limpek’s asshole and out the mouth.

Limpek really tulan until can explode at that point, but still hoping not all of them will step out of car. 1 or 2 enough already. If not, all of them come together, limpek got 10 pipes also no use. So limpek just stand outside my car and stare at the driver. The cipet driver also just stare at limpek inside his van. But at least now he stop honking liao. Kanineh passerby will think this is two lovers staring into each others eyes.

Then the stupid toll officers finally come out and ask for the Smart Tag. The cibai van suddenly let out a honk, swerve to the next lane and drive past us. At the point of passing limpek, they purposely slow down.

Then gave limpek a nice farewell present.

wow.



Never had limpek been fingered so much that it felt like a Japanese gang-bang AV. Suddenly feel abit like Annabel Chong.

KNN CCB!!! Pukitiang! of course limpek tulan until like going to explode any minute! Like those pimple super cooked already, swollen and red and filled with pus. A bit of dust will make it explode.

The stupid toll officer somemore don’t know mumble what fuck, do things slow slow there. By the time they reload limpek’s Touch N Go card, and then reactivate the toll gate, limpek think the Van reach all the way to Thailand already. Wahpiang! Limpek believe can see smoke coming out from my ear.

Then nevermind, forget it, go office first already super late. Supposed to meet with boss there to go site together. Reach the office, boss already left cause running late for the appointment. Limpek call boss, kena fuck again. Boss ask limpek quickly go because some urgent drawings with me.

So limpek packed all the required material and documents, lockup office room and was about to leave. Suddenly feel stomach something wrong. Walaoeh…


Most likely too many Ramly Burgers while watching football yesterday night (yes limpek did watch). Somemore it’s the 4-star kind of funny stomach, that kind if you’re not careful will explode suddenly. But at least not 5-star. If 5-star funny stomach, can forget it and go bomb toilet liao.

But limpek calm down and try to think straight. Slowly load the stuff in the car and soothe my nerves. After some mental meditation, things start to look better and more peaceful.



So limpek start the car.



KEK kek kek kek…. spurt spurt.

...

Tried one more time… KEK KEK… spurt.

Murphy’s Fucking Law. Whatever that can go wrong, will go wrong.

How? Alternator fucked. RM260 for nothing. Meeting late. No transport.

Limpek got no choice but to inform boss what’s going on.

“Hello boss?”

“Ya, what now??”

“My car… cannot start again. I think the alternator is de-”

Click Doooooo….

(When life throws lemons at you, give it the finger and then get over it)