Cannot die so easy wan

Words have been scarce. Nevermind the fact that limpek wrote a full 2 page entry on monday, fell asleep and knocked the company laptop off the bed. Thus causing the ancient machine to freeze, and then restart, and the entire entry gone along with it. Would've been fine if limpek wrote it while online because of the autosave thing... but this ancient piece of shit doesnt have wireless (god knows who fucked it up). Well basically, words have been scarce... and the lost of one full entry make limpek sien kah na lan.

Limpek had always been better at taking a long time off to write one huge long piece essay rather than these short outbursts required by blogs. Hence limpek's not a good blogger. And even worse will be something like Twitter; constantly updating with a sentence or two about the most boh-liao stuff. Limpek never got the whole idea about Twitter. Despite the fact that a great blogger once said that Twitter sounds like a short lanjiao. Limpek also concur, Gojira is everything but 'ter'.



But then again everyone seems to like Twitter. Reading a random statement every other minute from someone is very syok meh? I mean, what is limpek gonna say on my twitter? Limpek now taking a shit in KLCC. 2 minutes later update, limpek push until face green, the head finally pop out liao. Then 2 minutes later, Damn, went back in. Then 2 minutes later, hailat, forgot to bring tissue. Kanineh like that also want to report ar?

But still people love Twitter. Seefatt Chang also told me blog cannot survive without Twitter. What the flying fuck. Maybe limpek will just get Twitter then... but call it Twi-teng. Twi-tua also can. Then will make sure to update whenever limpek go pangsai.



Limpek was sent outstation for a few days also, busy kena bite by mosquito so no time to blog. Kanineh la, proper laptop also dont have, you teach me how to blog! Block mosquito also beh hu beh hu. Come back only then boss ask to become cow become dog. Really kanasai. Since limpek decided not to resign (hard to find similar pay at this age and economy), the boss keep taruk limpek with work.

Maybe he trying to sabo limpek? Fuck it, limpek like cockroach wont die so easy wan.

Just like alot of bloggers want to sabo limpek's blog, want this blog to die. Limpek dont know why they must act hero and diss or make fun of the blog. For some reason, most are the very ugly bloggers. They say cannot accept limpek's blog.... puahcibai limpek also cannot accept their face wat. You dont see limpek go kaupeh kaubu online also? Knn gong cipet

But anyway limpek also fuck them no free la. If got time to layan limpek might as well go polish the boss's testicles before he give me more shit.

But got few bloggers very nice and generous to spend time on limpek's blog, and even mention it on theirs. Limpek always feel very humbled when it happens. Like jz, nana and most recently uber hot model blogger Chrispytine. Limpek want to say thank you for the generous promotion its so nice of you all. When other puahbai bloggers bashed limpek, which is quite expected, you all gave limpek a reading chance. If limpek see you all outside limpek will give you a hug and kiss and free massage okay? Satisfaction gerenti wan.

Chrispytine wrote this on her entry:

"My favourite blog out of all the nominees is this very ham sup but hilarious blog. You need abit of patience when you start off reading though. As its mostly in dialects and spelt accordingly. His hum sup illustrations are office and living room friendly. I was looking forward to seeing this man in person (will he look like a pervert or a dashing young man?), alas he still remains a mystery."

Limpek read liao also eyes wet wet. Wan lai limpek's C-grade blog also can be considered favorite. By uber hot ger somemore. Kamsia kamsia Chrispy. Limpek assure you limpek look like an old dashing perverted young man. This kind of combination very hard to explain. Only can show. Actually limpek also love to read her blog whenever got time. Her blog is good stuff and her bikini pics can nose bleed wan. Limpek think maybe we should do a joint blog. This will be our banner...





I know. Damn stim right? Limpek is actually so en-tao and Chrispy so chio ger. The banner so romantic macam the Yang Guo and Xiao Long Nu. Nola Chrispy dont angry first. Limpek didnt mean the chinagirl xiao long nu. Only the most positive associations! We will be San Diu Hap Lui!!! (diu not the fuck diu okay)

Housemate John shouting at the back: FUCKOFF DUDE!!! THAT IS YUTAKI!!! YOU DONT FUCKING LOOK ANYTHING LIKE THAT AT ALL!!!

Limpek must say this John is a very stupid person. Obviously this is limpek, not Yutaki. Yutaki look like this one...



See? notice got slight difference wan. Limpek like, maybe 5% more entao than yutaki.

Stupid John say "Fuck off!"

Okay fine... maybe that might not be limpek, but limpek also got about 95% look like that entao.

Stupid John say "If yutaki is a beautiful phoenix, you are like the shit from the phoenix's asshole".

knnccb. At least its still literally hot shit. T_T


On a last note, limpek finally cross the 10,000 hit in the counter liao. Its such a happy thing, limpek remember keep loading the website to touch the 10 total. Then keep asking limpek's useless porno-surfing friends to keep loading goldfishuncle to hit the 100 total. Then join the sg awards reach 1000 total. Finally six month later since birth, reloading and reloading until finger also pong pah already.... reach 10000 liao. WOOOO HOOOO!!!!

But apparently that is like, total of 1 day hit for the hot ger bloggers qiuqiu or xuesha.


Nehmind.... limpek still happy. Like cockroach, cannot die so easy wan.

Quick note

Its too bad limpek couldn't make it to the SG Blog Awards. Limpek was quite keen to go also, can meet up with all those bloggers. Somemore can see all the chio modelling bloggers... stim man!

But G.I Joe, limpek's brader in SG will be in shift so wont be in town. That puahbai... people drive car he drive jet planes wan sibeh song. And get paid shitload doing so. Without him driving limpek around, sure end up lost somewhere in Geylang. Or the new casino.

Somemore tonight already plan to watch the 3rd placing game with the other chikopeks in KL. Getting ready to go out now... but limpek just wanted to drop a message before leaving.

Good luck to all the finalists at the awards, limpek really wish can be there to tumpang glamor with you all. Good luck yu-kym, butterfly, ms.chorlor, chrispytine, pekchek and few others limpek really think should win. All the best and finish up limpek's share of the beer dont waste! And snap more photos of the hot modelling bloggers pls!!

Kam sia

A Goldfish Blog Tech Support Director Named Seefatt Chang

By now it should be quite obvious that when it comes to hi-tech or fancy things computers can do, limpek is completely kanasai. Granted, limpek know how to use photoshop because last time always edit friends' pictures to make them naked and fuck animals, and then send the pics to their girlfriends. Besides, limpek had a girlfriend last time always asking to help edit her pics. "Make me pweetty! Make me pweeettyy!" she'd say. Limpek also find that adorable.

After limpek help edit her eyes big big, nose sharp sharp, face oval, lips like sausage, boobs add 2 cup sizes then she will be sibeh happy. Sometimes can even get free blowjobs (the type that wont kena trap to return favors wan). Its a very good deal isnt it? Photoshop = Blowjob. Like the Food = Work scam. So limpek's photoshop can consider mai hiam beh pai.

But when it comes to blogging and all the tools limpek see on other blogs, limpek see liao also tao hin hin. Limpek always feel as though HTML = Hi-Tech mat lan? So limpek just stick with the simple things I know, compose and publish. And try not to accidentally click on other buttons.

Well the reason limpek mention this is because limpek had actually always kept a secret weapon for the blog. Goldfishuncle website actually has special tech-support headed by one Mr. Seefatt Chang (or Chang Backside). Seefatt works for a very tualiap international company as some big time head in tech department. The reason we call him Seefatt Chang is because he's 35 years old and we suspect he's still a virgin. So we then further suspect maybe he's just into playing male backside but too afraid to come out closet. What else can you suspect on a decent looking 35 year old virgin atheist pulling 10k per month?

Besides, his name really sounds like backside.

Seefatt Chang is the bestest geek among all limpek's friends. So when it comes to hi-tech or computer stuff, limpek really cant think of anyone else. In fact, if not for Seefatt Chang limpek would never have this blog going. Everything computer related also limpek ask him,

"Seeefattttt!! blue screen leh wtf!!!"

"Seefatt Chang!! why my computer keep auto-shutdown?!"

"Seeeefaatttt! why cannot open Gutter uncensored site!?!"

"Seefattlou, how to download pirate photoshop!!?"

"Seeefatt Chang, why all my files disappear?!"

and all these he will sort out for limpek and try to explain to limpek although very much in vain. Then theres the times he helped out with the blog...

"Seefattlou, limpek want to start blog la... how ar?"

"Go to blogspot.com... set up account first, read the tutorial and follow, very obvious wan..."
*Click dooo.... (Seefattt has the phone hanging up skills too)



"Seefatttttt, how come limpek blog entry save liao nothing come out?! Cannot be, limpek's skill sure anything can come out!! Must whack harder?"

"Gimme your username, password..."

"Ehhh...later you go in my email and send my sextape to gutter uncensored how?"

"Change password now la"

"Ohh..ok..."

after 3 mins

"You stupid cibai, why you type in 'HTML'?"

"Tee e-mail? why would I type letter to Tee e-mail?"

"H-T-M-L! Nvm... you see the button next to title, there's 'Edit HTML' and another 'Compose'?"

"Ohh ok ok i see..."

"You type your entry in Compose la! Not HTML! HTML is for code! To write scripts! The 'compose' is an efficient program to let you write in simple forms and it will automatically translate it into html code. At the end, you need to publish, not just save the post! In other words, you publish your HTML code!"

"......."

"understand boh?"

"....wear...coat?"

"nvm, just type in 'compose' and then publish"

*Click doooo......



"Seefattchangggg, eh limpek want to have a sub-page at the side ar, to do movie reviews wan. How ar?"

"What the fuck you mean? What side review page?"

"Nehh... like a tab at the side bar right, to lead to another page where limpek does movie reviews"

"You watch alot of movies meh?"

"Ya la kanineh, limpek's pirate DVD collection more than your porn collection man!"

"Impossible. I have 60GB of porn in a dedicated harddrive."

".... "

".... "

"... gayporn?"

*Click Dooo....

after calling back

"Oi Seefatt! dont like that! How to do the subpage?"

"I dont understand how you want it la. Tell you what, you go look around other blogs if you see something like what you want, send me the link. Then I'll write the script for you"

"Ok chio! I think I saw before in Xiaxue's blog!"

*Click Doooo...

(Turns out XX's blog dont have. Until now still havent find what limpek wanted, thats why the pirate dvd review tab is still so kanasai)



"Seefattguai! Limpek want to run polls in blog... how ar?"

"Walaoeh brother, why you so dinasour? Click on customize, add a tab at the side, there's already pre-set poll programs by blogspot mahhh..."

"No no no, limpek want the poll inside the post entry!"

"Ohh... no problem. Just go to Micropolls.com. Sign up account, create your poll, copy the code, paste on your Edit HTML"

"....Arr? coat? hi tech mat lan again?"

"Sigh. Ok you create account first"

"Ok done"

"Now log into Micropolls and create your poll. Then copy the code"

"Okay... done! You said, copy hami coat ar?"

"The poll, after you set it up, can convert it into a script, a code!"

"..... hami ar?"

"Gimme your username password."

"Aimeh? What if later you go find my sextape and post it in gutter uncensored?"

"Sigh. Change your password then."

"Ohh okay"

after that Seefatt created the poll for limpek, convert it into a code, logged into limpek's blogger account, edit limpek's post, put the code there, and publish it for limpek. Wahpiang! This is what you call Class A Sibeh Steady Pompipi Tech Support even Microsoft cannot offer!

After that Seefatt taught limpek how to post the poll step by step, so limpek now like poll expert, sibeh hua hee. Feels like the first caveman who discovered fire, want to shout in glory "FIRE!! FIRE!! HOO HAA HOO HA!!" and then go burn down all the cavewomen's leaf skirts. So thats why lately you see alot of polls in limpek's entry and limpek intend to keep posting polls until discovering the next fancy tool!


Here's the first chance to use it. Last week after the suey post limpek got alot of feedbacks from friends regarding their own recent suey-siao-ness.


Weeman: My hair-loss problem recently became worse. I have to upgrade to taking this medicine thing that actually messes with my hormones. It drastically reduces my testosterone, so its almost like cutting my balls off. So, for the sake of more hair, I have to sacrifice my libido. Limpeh only 29 fucking years old. But Soi Lek twice my age also twice more hamsap than me. Later when I get more hair, finally get a girlfriend, want to fuck that time suddenly gugujiao cannot stand... HOW!? Ask her to play with my hair whole night?! U tell limpeh la!

Compensating for what's no longer there with something that's finally there.

Dumbo: Two weeks ago I go Cham'pain' KTV near Imbi with clients. Then order the nasilemak girl. That time very drunk and high already so she ask me go toilet 'kongket'. She wanted to blow me, but that place the nasilemak girls not so clean based on feedback so I dont dare let her suck. Then she somemore keep grabbing my penis until my balls want to explode already. So of course I beh tahan, taruk her kuat-kuat in the toilet la. Wear condom la of course, cleanliness always first mah. Wah she is like an animal like that so wild, so limpek also become animal lagi wild. Finally after I shoot one Olympic load, I pull out and what I see?

piaaakkkkk....

What? Don't get it?

Okay fine since your thinking so 'kan dan limpek will borrow children's cartoon to explain in very kan dan way.

what happens when condom breakage test got no ISO.

I straightaway cannot stand properly. Feel like want to faint. Go home I scrub my penis with Listerine, wahlao! sibeh pain brother, you know!? Next day straight away go hospital medical checkup. Wah knnccb if limpek kena infect anything....si liao si liao... i really can go die liao. Then the doctor told me after 3 months only can confirm got HIV anot. Wahlaoehh Lao Tien ar!!! This lately the wife keep on wanting to fuck, limpek suddenly insist use condom. I think she also start to get suspicious! Until limpek have to give excuse say the condom makes me less sensitive so can last longer. Wah cibai end up everytime have to tahan 10 mins longer! LAO TIEN ARRR!!!!





Cliffard: In World Cup so far, limpeh lost RM100k already. Yesterday, wife ask me, dear, when are you buying my car? wait very long already. I almost want to cry and tell her, dear, the bookie take all our money already.






The entry is dedicated to limpek's great tech-support Mr. Seefatt Chang for being the best geek ever! Regardless if you're into gayporn! May you finally get laid this year and receive an ang pow for opening ceremony. You can leave your email contact on the comments, who knows maybe some passerby loves popping geeky cherry. Or else you can take limpek's offer and pop it with awesome xiaolongnu!

Nabeh, SG Blog Awards interview feels like beauty pageant

Those crazy fellas asked limpek a bunch of nonsense for the blog awards thing interview. Nabeh, limpek answer until tao hin hin. Somemore have to double check if not later Engrand zhao cui very embarassing.

Below was the interview limpek replied. The images were added on after la of course:

======================================

Come, Uncle Bring You Go See Goldfish / Goldfish Uncle

http://goldfishuncle.blogspot.com/

1. Tell us about yourself in 50 words.

Limpek is Goldfish Uncle. Goldfish Uncle is the uncle offering you lollipop to follow him go see goldfish. But nobody knows if he really got goldfish. Or just something that smells like fish. Oldfolks say, don’t follow strangers! But how you know he really got no goldfish? Fish or no fish, limpek succeed to fill in 50 words as required. (ons la!)

2. How long have you been blogging and why did you start blogging?

Very long of course. But back then limpek got no computer. So limpek blog by talking in the kopitiam to whichever stranger passing by. Sometimes stray dogs. Now got computer, no need waste so much money on the ever increasing price kopi. So plus plus minus minus also got 6048000 seconds of logged blogging. Real blogging in the kopitiam, almost 20 years. Jealous leh. Why start blogging? Lonely, want to talk. Want to find birdbirds of a feather. Want to chiko many hot ger. Want OMY to send limpek go HK find xiaolongnus.

Blogging was easy in the 90s...

3. How do you feel as one of the finalists in the Singapore Blog Awards? What do you think is your chance of winning?

Absolutely 500% because last time got one sai-kong (priest) say limpek with this kind of dragon eyebrow is sure born winner. The ahbeng selling illegal lottery also always tell me that. So limpek believe him and keep buying. But winning the Blog Award is slightly different. That one limpek’s actuarial science friend calculate say got 10% chance. But limpek will try hard to chiko the hot ger judges, like Anna Lim, then maybe can increase to 12%. If cannot, then become finalist also sibeh happy mah… got few new readers.

4. Who do you think are the strongest bloggers in the category you are nominated for and why?

Strongest blogger of course is limpek lah. Limpek can run 10km in 45minutes, they cannot. Limpek can benchpress 70kg, they cannot. Don’t think limpek beer belly fat fat like very useless, just last week the xiao long nu keep telling limpek “Yes! Very hard! Very strong! I love you!”. You say la, who strongest? Ms Judge Anna Lim, want to see limpek’s mouse in the bicep?

i know you liikeee...

5. What would you like to say to your blog readers and those who voted and supported you?

Limpek want to say my dear 5-6 readers/supporters are the best in the world because limpek type and type with all my heart and got people bother to come and read and keep uncle not so lonely. If not limpek really start to think limpek is the only one who cannot fit in the crazy world. Then will have to start talking to the neighbor’s cat and will end up running around naked in the streets one day. Limpek love my readers so much that limpek will shave my balls for them, regardless if limpek win.

6. What is your most controversial blog post and why?

Limpek blog no controversy. Why must purposely create controversy? Later gahmen want you to ki si. Society also boh happy. Limpek oo hami dio kong hami. But don’t know why everytime talk about penis then everybody hua hee. Make the hits jump until sibeh steady.

Why so many people interested in didi? Is the vagina is boh heng already? Siao la you all limpek think should see doctor get mental theraphy. Look see look see, limpek kaulat steady, can rhyme like Jay-Z.

7. Have you ever gotten into trouble or got rewarded for blogging? Elaborate.

No trouble! Trouble comes, blame the dog. Like, when accidentally fart in front of hot ger, faster scold the dog! Reward? My readers is number one reward! Muah muah XOXOHENESSY. Remember people, zhor lang ai hua hee! Become human must be happy!

dog also ki-siao (pic from google.)

Limpek show housemate John my interview reply because his Engrand is supposed to be chim-chim...

he only shake his head and say "Kaninah... like that how to win"

Long Post If Got D Cup. But Now Short Post Because Of World Cup!

Its world cup season. So give limpek a chance to watch football. Although to be honest, limpek dont really care too much about football. But limpek see the chikopeks everyday bet football, win here win there, like money so easy to earn. Win thousands of ringgit each night, but go out that time never see them buy limpek drinks. Puahbai assholes. Limpek somemore have to lick balls and let contractors fuck until sun goes down only can smell that kind of money.

SMELL only.

Because after deduct all the shit we have to pay the gahmen (worst investment ever), and then deduct all the bills and credit card, then maybe only armpit hair is left.

Oh yes, by the way, we do PAY the gahmen taxes, yes? So how come they treat us like we work for them instead?


So limpek trying to learn more football and try win money. There's an office pool with limpek's chikopek friends involved also. Everybody gets to pick one team to win the Cup. Limpek picked Spain. If Spain wins the World Cup, limpek will win 64 jugs of beer. Wahlaoeh puahbai! Thats like, 3 months supply of free happy hour liao! Sibeh steady!

Then if got this ger to come serve the free beer.... WAH STEADY!!!

disclaimer: pic found in google. Limpek's ger friends not so steady

Actually limpek also dont know what team good, but hear Hitz FM Morning Crew say most Malaysians think Spain will win. So mah follow wisdom of the crowd lor. But maybe not a good idea hor, since a bunch of Malaysians crowd together usually end up do stupid things wan. Like, voting for this gahmen.

But at least better than Tobby pick England. Yesterday in Zouk watch England play, wahaha!, shit!, how to win world cup like that! USA the lampah team also they play until like playing Brazil. But then see Argentina like very kaulat also feel abit scared. Hopefully their psycho maradonut manager will self destruct the team.

Maradonut

So hopefully Spain will oon-oon-eat bee hoon, steady pom-pi-pi!!! Go Go Spain!!! Go Go 64 Jugs!!

Limpek going to be like this, sipping on the free 64 jugs of beer. Since you all keep asking limpek to post limpek's picture. Suan le ba, limpek post one now.

......

Como Estas babehh, are you down down down down down?

Sexy leh... Told you limpek no bluff wan. Limpek also think limpek sibeh jialat sexy.

What? You dont believe it's limpek? Why you so untrusting of people wan? It is so limpek okay.

What? You say its angmoh? Eh... why you like that one? Limpek cannot have 1/32 angmoh blood wan ar? Maybe last time limpek's great grandmother was Portuguese? You look at the necklace, it clearly says "Goldfish".

What?? You say limpek draw on it wan?? Why you like that wan?? Teacher never tell you cannot be so untrusting towards everybody wan?

Suan le ba, suan le ba. Limpek try to convince you also tulan.


On a sidenote, check out this puahbai angmoh who calls himself aussie pete. Another finalist in the awards. According to Pete (on video interview), limpek's blog is about my uncle and his goldfish. HAHAHAHA. Angmoh really powderful wan hor... no need to read or understand your blog also they can say you're funny. Limpek also char lan dou (grab balls) -_- ...

Sorry la Pete if limpek's blog "lacks substance and quality". You can file an NCR with limpek's ISO on the Q&S department. But limpek's blog has always been ciplak like that.

But anyway, limpek think Ms.Chorlor or Fauzi's blog is gonna kick your ass for the awards, even if you think they're just all "shock and awe" or "splattering life-size image of themselves". Unless hot ger THB is right and they already know you're their winner. (Pete is supposed to be some big shot anyway, according to himself). As for limpek's little small-time blog, already gain a few more readers so target achieved liao. So dont kaupeh about this small potato blog ok?

Singapore Blog Awards! Limpek want to go Shenzen find xiaolongnus...

As usual limpek make my nice cup of dilluted instant oldtown kopi, sit down, log in blog to reply comments and then visit gutteruncensored like a regular lazy day after work.

Quality time with kopi and ciggie... Really, little awesome moments like these sums up limpek's life.

Sekali limpek open the blog....






What the flying fuck!!

Got 100 over hits on Monday!!

Limpek thought 'siao liao, kena spam liao, hongkan liao', somemore thought maybe Chua Soi Lek found what limpek wrote about him and bomb kau my blog!

You see, although limpek so handsome like Brad Pitt but nobody read my blog wan except for the few extraordinary talented intelligent natural born killer rockstar superb readers (poh lampah kau kau). Which means usually 4-5 readers only. Nabey that's better than limpek sit in the kopitiam talk to myself. So suddenly 100 something is sibeh wrong liao.

So limpek check statcounter, see if limpek siao liao or computer siao liao. See punya see, all came from this website http://sgblogawards.omy.sg/category/

Then only limpek remember! Its the Singapore Blog Awards thing!!! Last time many friends tell limpek, if no win award, where got people want to read? Got like that wan meh? Meaning if movies no win award then we shouldn't watch? If penis cannot reach 4 inch then we shouldn't fuck? How can life become like this.

But makes sense also because when choose xiaolongnu in hamsap ktv, if got win pageant before, limpek everybody also want.So limpek go join and try see maybe can parasite a few readers there.

Look see look see all the other bloggers so serious and professional wan, limpek's blog pulak like write on kindergarden whiteboard, somemore camera to take pics also dont have until hot ger dblchin also laugh at limpek. End up have to use windows paint to draw picture. Wah seh!!! Si beh lau kui this blog!!!

But nevermind la, limpek talk to you in kopitiam, of course it wont feel like Starbucks la. Hua hee dio ho mah.

Then limpek realize got one e-mail from one Mr. Alvin Lim from Marketing of Singapore Press Holdings wan. Sound like a very important man from a serious big company. So limpek also abit nervous. Actually the e-mail few days already, but because it got mixed with all the porno website mails limpek completely missed it. Alvin, sorry ha havent reply but its not because limpek guai lan. If your title reads "Goldfish uncle, steady liao, your blog kena nominate, oon oon eat bee hoon liao!" then limpek wouldnt have miss it. Instead your title so formal limpek automatically didnt read. Hahaha. Plus all the junkmail never delete, limpek really shouldnt give out e-mail to porno websites so much.

So bearer-of-great-news Alvin Lim say limpek is nominated! Limpek dont really understand but sounds like a good thing! Somemore he say if win liao can get to go Hong Kong wan! Wahpiang! Hong Kong somemore can take dragonboat! Limpek think ask them to drop me off the boat at Shenzhen... then.... xiao long nus... Limpek is coming homeee~~!!! (think liao also teary-eyed). Limpek suddenly really want to win.



Then limpek started thinking, how is that possible leh? How can limpek get nominated when new readers also dont have. Limpek check the hit statistics, still only limpek's beloved 4-5 readers. No one new. But to be honest limpek love the 4-5 readers because they keep refreshing the page until the counter so high, can pretend as if got alot of people read. Hahaha kamsia kamsia, you puahbais are the best.

Then of course occasionally got the random accidental visit from some people googling to buy Goldfish. Sorry ha, Goldfish Uncle dont sell goldfish, only bring u to see them. And then also got accidental visits from some very sampat people googling for 'Daniel Wu Cock'.



Now seriously, what the fuck? Since when limpek know anything about Daniel Wu's Cock?

Then there's those googling for "Hymen Pics Blogspot".

...

Limpek also dont know what to say. (Tobby, I know its you... please get off the internet)


So these sums up the total visitors in Goldfishuncle blog. So how can there be any votes for limpek at all?

Then limpek recalled something Goodnews Alvin said. On the judging points, 30% comes from public voters and 70% comes from the panel of judges. Since they probably force the judges to read the participants blogs (if not how to judge) and limpek doesnt have readers, then theres only one conclusion!

Limpek’s points must have come from the judges!!!

WAHAHAHA suddenly limpek also feel very happy. Ever since small kid, all the competition/contest/lucky draw judges only know how to fuck limpek. Just because limpek is abit more handsome and got big Gojira then they want to fail limpek in everything!

Drawing contest don’t want to let limpek win, say my lion look like flower and my flower look like nipple. Singing contest say limpek never brush teeth so must forfeit. Colouring contest say limpek colour people all black colour, not nice… kaninehhhh puahbai racist!

stupid kindergarden judge got no eye for abstract art

So for the first time in limpek's life, got judges actually root for limpek. Limpek also feel kam-tong until want to cry. Finally didnt kena fuck. But maybe because the judges dont really believe limpek actually very handsome and got big Gojira? In that case limpek better not let them know.


But then limpek see, aiya cehh, actually havent win anything also. Somemore got 9 more blogs! Somemore top 3 already chosen. Puahhbaaiii!! Somemore limpek see the 9 blogs, wahlaoeh! all corour here corour there, line here line there, fly here fly there, kahnineh! Like IKEA catalog! So professional!!! Limpek go visit also feel like Suzuki 2nd hand kapcai dealer visiting Ferrari showroom!

Somemore all blog so many years liao, always consistent posting. All got dont know what advertisement here and there, follower here and there. Limpek only got 1 hot ger subscriber! But dblchin is like Zhao Zelong can beat 1000 of their followers. Somemore they so semangat, rally here rally there. Promote here promote there. Limpek try to vote for myself also give up already because have to create account and then forget password. Somemore limpek dont really like self-promotion. Feels like those puahbai BN politicians always only know how to bruff others say until like ownself very superior.

Then got so many fancy characters with fancy blogs... transgender also got, angmoh local also got, ladyboy also got, cartoon cat also got, funny fatboy also got... where can win anymore. Maybe if limpek start fucking animals and then claim to blog as the Diary of Bestiality can be fancy enough?

Actually if limpek is the judge limpek will vote for Kelvin's kacang blog. Simple, not pretentious, doesnt feel like trying too hard for attention, honest, and always entertaining. Kacang Kelvin shouldve joined... sure can win. But Kelvin's last post talk about snuffnang so limpek hope he wont sell-out.

But limpek still want to get free trip to find my Xiao Long Nus in shenzen. So limpek wanted to put up a fight. Limpek's plan is very simple. Since limpek's vote probably is from judges, limpek will go tackle the judges. So limpek do research on the website and found the judges info. Limpek think the judges all very famous or rich or influential people wan. Limpek is only a chao uncle so how will limpek know these famous people? If you ask limpek who to call for Korean nehneh in Damansara hamsap ktv then limpek will know la. So limpek have to shoot blindly going by the photos only.

Got 9 judges total. At first look, limpek also abit scared liao feel like last time headmaster do spot-check on class and limpek hide porno vcd inside underwear. Limpek dont know why they look so professional and serious... or just constipation.



Mr Kelvin Tong is the first one. Straightaway limpek lose half the confidence because Mr Tong look like can eat people. You see his portrait also dont want to smile. Meaning 'fuck you not free dont come kacau me'. His face also very angry, keep reminding limpek of spartan.
Limpek really dont know how to handle this one.



Ms Kuo Jian Hong look like those very artistic intelligent type... often dont want to say much but then inside head think too much. This kind of eccentric artiste, if limpek say anything also will sound stupid to her. So limpek will just keep quiet. And stoning there stare at wall. Then maybe she will think limpek is intelligent also?


Ms Anna Lim. WHOAH!! HOT GER JUDGE!!! No need say much. Got vote no vote also limpek want to marrry her. You got see the smile... eyes can become crescent shape wan? KAWAIINEHHH


Ms. Xiao Han, another hot ger! She is famous lyricist so limpek will compose a One Night In Shenzhen song with the background music of Mamula Moon and mumbling style of Jay Chou to impress her. Then can get her vote.


Mr. Uzyn Chua. This one from the looks, gerenti cheongster! His name already Uzi the sub-machinegun. Limpek go cheong with him, tekan nehneh kacau ahmoi, sure steady wan Uzi. Limpek's type of hamsap kaki.



Samuel Ng and Walter Lim. These two are my favorites. They look like my favorite kind of cheongsters. Good old fashion chikopek. From the ngan san (eye aura) limpek already can feel the cheong spirit. You see Walter's expression... doesnt it say "Jom kia liao! Now now now! Neh neh waiting!". No? This is two happening cheongster wan trust limpek.



Danny Yeo and Josh Lim. These two limpek dowan to go cheong with. You see they game-face until so kaulat, dress up so killer, if go cheong with them means end of night limpek go home masturbate alone. See the pattern also you know they will tapao all the ahmois already... very tulan these people wan.


So how? you think limpek got chance with the judges? Kanineh got time go vote for limpek and send limpek to Hong Kong lah. Limpek can feel the xiaolongnus waiting for me leh. Dont everyday only know how to surf Gutter Uncensored. Really puahbai

-

Man with Hymen and Filipino Pimple Remedy

Last entry's quiz, Old Beng got it right ...

Limpek tell you veteran blogger really no play play wan. One look and Old Beng already know whose hair it is. Yes, its xiaxue's hair (btw, need to pay copyright to post blogger pic or use their name wan ar? I donno these things wan leh, please dont sue poor uncle)

















very hot can see side boobs

Pic download from google of course, just like all my other images. Limpek dont even own a camera.

Oldbeng is the famous author of the blog, lim peh ka li kong, very famous and entertaining wan. Thank you for participating in the Million Dollar Goldfish Uncle competition. The plesen is a Million Dollar worth of a photoshop edited pic of yourself. Since xiaxue always say photoshop is more important than life itself.

But limpek look and look, nabeh all your pics also you censor out. Boh huat... have to make do. So here is your hemsem oldbeng kena z'ng (modify) like how people z'ng cars. No, not car z'ng.

TADA!!!

ezos pipe also tua tua ki already. Like Mugen Honda Kawasaki Ninja

Sibeh sexy liao.

So just now limpek work work very tired, run to take a long break and pangsai in toilet. Its the most common slacking tactic in Malaysia. Limpek company toilet small and smelly wan, have to share with staff. Going to start make chocolate cake liao suddenly remember limpek didnt bring phone in to play play. Shit! Si liao... sien kah na lan liao. Meaning will be bored like penis. Yes, penis usually quite bored wan.

So limpek simply grab old newspapers laying around to read and kill time. Lucky got few newspaper havent read before. Found one article that made me laugh until puah bai suddenly. It was the 22 April 2010 'The Star' newspaper on page T14 Woman section.

What? Uncle cannot read Woman section meh? Got alot of lingerie model pictures cannot ar?

Cant find it online so limpek will be generous and type the article out for you.

BLISSFUL IGNORANCE

Basic biology is a given but you would be amazed at how little young women in parts of Asia understand their bodies. In this day and age, 68% of them still can't tell female fact from fiction. Here are some results of 'The Kotex Bodylife IQ Study':

India: Young Indian women are the most shy, and more than 3/4 have never examined their own genitals. They were the most misinformed about their bodies with 71% young women not knowing that menses and urine don't flow from the same opening.

Vietnam: There is a strong prevalence of myths and generally low basic health knowledge. Only 2 in 10 womencould tell the difference between fact and myth and 77% could not answer the questions on pregnancy correctly.

Indonesia: The most clued in when it came to health questions and distinguishing truth from fiction, yet Indonesian women scored the lowest when it came to pregnancy and biology. 53% believe that they only have two orifices down there.

The Phillipines: The least body smart in the region. 54% believe that beer increases menstrual flow and 38% believe that applying the blood from your first period to your face prevents pimples. 98% got the biology questions wrong with 26% believing that only men have hymens.

...

By this time limpek was already laughing till accidentally farted few times liao. Luckily no one inside the toilet. Walaoeh, this article donno real or not wan. Got this kind of nonsense?!?

What if Cheesie was Filipino? Walaoeh her Cheeserland blog entry will be like this!!!





But even so, limpek still love cheesie.

Then somemore what Man got hymen! Where?? In the gugu or the kar ch'ng?? If like that the moment I pangsai, limpek mah lose virginity liao!? OHHH NOOO! Maybe thats why pangsai got blood sometimes?? Cause kah ch'ng hymen torn?

But limpek think the kah ch'ng hymen must be one way street wan. Shit can go out, 'things' cannot go in. Thats why kah ch'ng hymen will be intact. You say cannot? Nabeh, you engineer meh? Who say cannot... limpek design for you.



See, that way kah ch'ng hymen makes total sense. If shit wanna come, the passage directs it to soon-soon flow out. But if you simply insert things from outside, then the system will fail!!! Causing hymen to breakdown!

There you go, kah ch'ng hymen.


So the article goes on with Malaysia and then Singapore. But its not so interesting anymore. Basically hinting how gong cipet some people can be.

Malaysia: Malaysian women scored the lowest on pregnancy and virginity issues - 84% failed to aswer the pregnancy questions correctly. Myths also featured strongly with 87% being undable to tell truth from myth.

Singapore: The women generally had higher than average scores overall (kanasai..) but displayed poor knowledge on virginity and feminine biology. All of them knew how sexually transmitted diseases were contracted but 42% believe that they can't get pregnant during menses.

Limpek was thinking the Malaysians, 'what lanjiao virginity issues? Got fuck means no virgin, no fuck means virgin la!'. But then again after the stupid American president Bill Clinton, now blowjob or anal sex might not be considered sex anymore... so can consider still virgin. Limpek think ang moh mostly khong kham wan.

But Malaysia is all kong-kong lampah song wan. Blowjobs are not even legal... yet if less than 70% of our gahmen people and politicians dont indulge in it before, limpek will chop off my own nut and eat it. Or let lightning strike one of my nut and fry it. Puah bai hypocrites!!! Now they make the women confused with something as simple as virginity.

Limpek finish pangsai, settle everything, wanted to leave the toilet liao. But leg become cramp already because sit so long. Limpek was about to throw the newspaper aside when suddenly felt like my heart sink. No its not because too much kentucky, cos limpek is still very fit. Then it hit me. The last sentence.

"... but 42% believe that they can't get pregnant during menses"






ISSIT!!??

CAN GET PREGNANT WAN!?!?!?!



limpek is another gong cipet afterall

Malaysia Best New Blogger

Handsome: “Siao ehhh!! (* arrogant smirk on face) lim peh kau lat already la… lim peh ran ten km la! 10 fucking km you know??”

Tobby: “Issit (pretends to be bored, but obviously caught his attention). Aiya how long? Two whole hours is it”

Cliffard: “Ala slowly slowly run, ask me to run 20km also no big deal la”

Tobby: “Yalaaa cheh, don’t have one hour you don’t talk to me la”

Handsome: “Ohhh? You did one hour for 10 km?”

Tobby: “Ahboh ? A couple of minutes pass one hour la… run until face green only can wan la you think wat”

Handsome: “Ohh very hor liao la now? PEI!!! HONGKAN LA!! You ownself see. 45 mins ah (show picture on handphone)!! FOOOOOHHH TEEE FAIIIII minutes ah!! Kaulat boh!? Waa ha ha ha!!”

*silence from the two donkeys... Chui tat lan.

Handsome: “WA HA HA HA kaulat anot!? KAULAT ANOT!? Kauuu lattt laaa”

Tobby: “Walao… serious wan. How now Cliff? Your brother siao liao”

Cliffard: “Err… ha ha (nervous laughter of a man put to shame)”

Tobby: “Wahh cannot liao like that… siao liao siao liao… tomorrow have to start training liao”

Handsome: “WA HA HA HA Slowwwwly train la you! WA HA HA HA by the time you ready, I’ll be running 15km in 60 minues liao la. Jiak sai la HA HA HA ”

*Tobby and Cliffard sibeh kiasu wan. So they looked very tulan already

Tobby: “Aiya... Kenny Sia also can run 42km la what’s the big deal? “

Handsome: “Ha? Tuapuikia Kenny Sia? Hahaha mai siao la!! Dont tok kok ok ?”

Tobby: “Don’t believe you go read his blog. He went all the way to the States just to run that 42km marathon. But of course, don’t know how long he took la. Maybe he was running 7kmh and then walked like 20km of the way”

Handsome: “Kenny Sia wor!!! That fat bastard blogger?! Kenny Sia wor! Nola don’t tok kok. I don’t believe. Siao eh, u think easy ah”

Tobby: “Everybody also know la. Kanineh got time you go read around blogs la, everything also don’t know. Sibeh outdate.”

Handsome: “Ooo ia boh?! Mai hao siao wa oh!!”

Tobby: “Yala! No hao siao you. You don’t know meh? Some more he open a gym in Kuching. I hear very big wan, can fight Celebrity gym wan. Boh kan dan leh”

Handsome: “Har?! Tua pui kia can open gym so hoh seh ah!? Some more run 42km? Blogging can be so kaulat wan meh?! Don’t tok kok la! I mean, some lampah fellow write a bunch of lampah articles on website then can become so lampah hoh seh? Mai siao laaa”

Tobby: “Siao eh. Blogging already damn heng la since 8 years ago. You don’t so sua ku can anot? You know how much those blogger can make anot!? No need to work already la, full time job la! Lagi so glamour, girls all suka”

Cliffard: “Yeah. Weh don’t kua suey that fat bugger k. I hear he makes 40k a month you know?? From writing stupid shit and posting on his blog. Somemore can be super famous. Lampah also can become dragon la! Damn hero dey!”

Handsome: “What the flying fuck!!! Lim pek chao chao also can write better essays than him! Take better pictures than him! Do better photoshop than him! More en tao than him! Body also more keat than him!! How come lim pek only earn fucking 3 thousand a month?!! Work like cibai bangala! Lick taukeh’s lampa! People eat shark fin I eat bah gua! Want to loot china girls but can only afford chui la ba!! Soon money not enuff hafto fuck chao ah gua!! Wah piang eh!!” (no, I never fuck chao ah gua before ok)

Tobby: “wahahaha coz you much more stupid than him!”

Handsome: “knnbccb!! How come blogging so popular wan!? Wtf why nobody tell me wan!”

Tobby: “Kanineh that time you busy fucking around in Canada dowan come back. Now come back liao everything also don’t know. Kam lan la you. Blogging already very heng la. Every Ah-beng Ah-seng Ah-lian Ah-huey also got blog la”

Handsome: “Serious shit ah!? Lau niang! How come you all don’t have blog?!”

Tobby: “Cibai I blog for fucks ah? Work in the jungle everyday, blog about bangala chop oil palm tree ah? Got time I go bet football lagi syok. Make more money”

Cliffard: “Aiya don’t kaupeh la. You mah go follow him write a stupid blog and say stupid things lor. Maybe people will go read your khamlan nonsense. Who knows, many khamlan people like you also hahaha.”

Tobby: “Wahaha damn sohai (stupid vagina). Eight years too late d la! Now people will just say you jump into bandwagon only.”

Cliffard: “Hahaha yala. But since you say until like you can really write. Worse come to worse, we read your blog once a week lor. Who knows, maybe got one or two siao lang will like to read your nonsense”

(my brother sibeh supportive wan… puah bai!!)


Suddenly, sitting in the kopitiam under the jambu tree… I had my revelation. Like last time Buddha sit under the Bo tree get enlightened. Then Mohammad was sleeping in the cave also got angel’s message. Martin Luther dreaming halfway get enlightened. Anwar kena whack in jail that time also enlightened. Ong Ka Ting pangsai halfway also get revelation… want to become MCA president again.


My revelation under the jambu tree:


My name is Handsome Garren Teow. I have many things to say, but nobody wants to listen. I want to be a blogger. And say things I'm not supposed to say. Because I see things I'm not supposed to see. So I'll tell you things you're not supposed to hear. This will be my blog! Here I talk you listen. After you listen, if you beh song, you can tiao me in the comments. Welcome to my blog!