How Much Is Too Much Part II

Limpek opened my eyes, and limpek was here...





There's still a certain realization that this all could not possibly be real.

So limpek scrambled to search back reality. Eyes closed, here I was...





And everything was throbbing, that it started to feel like this..

Edward wouldnt have approved...

"Calm the fuuuuccccckkk downn!!!" Limpek remember telling myself. Whether it was said out loud, there's no way to know.

Closed eyes and the stage changed...



The music started becoming really loud, and colours blinding. There's no way that this isnt illusion.

Closed eyes, and opened, and it was a whole new world again.





At this point, limpek was starting to doubt whether limpek was sane in the first place. Whether there was real sanity at all. Limpek really believed that the situation is completely fucked up beyond any reason. There's no way to get out of this loop. This is it.

Closed eyes, space travelled again.



It was really hard to describe... of course these weren't the exact real images of the spaces limpek hopped to. But it was real close in terms of mood and atmosphere. The feeling of helplessness is incredible, that there was no way left for limpek to control the situation. The paranoia became devastating. You start doubting whether the world had always been one short consciousness after another, or if you'll finally sober up at one point.

Your body feels foreign to you. You send commands of actions to your body, some are executed and some are not. But you feel nothing even if the movements were executed. Limpek remember forcing my hands to massage my temples, and ended up feeling two foreign sticks prodding at limpek's head. Limpek is still unsure if those were my fingers.

Music changes from muffled, as though you're in an eclosed glass cube, to ear-shattering loud. And the world is weightless, without gravity. You spin non-stop on all directions.

Travelling between worlds, it felt like a lifetime had passed.

To be honest, limpek was scared shitless. Siao liao... boh hang kiu liao... thats all limpek can think of.

After several lightyears, limpek opened my eyes again...

old school laser disco lights!

Waitaminute... she looks quite familiar wor. But where am I? Kaninah why so noisy wan!? Puahbai!

Eh, this place... hamsap KTV wor.... Eh?? How come?

Oh wait... just now....

As soon as the memory hits, it surges and floods your head like an overwhelming orgasm after 2 dry weeks. You can feel as though your eyes going to pop out because the memories are smashing against it.

Limpek ran straight to the toilet, stumbling like Rosmah trying to do ballet. As soon as limpek spot the bowl, shit starts spraying out from the mouth like dragonball hei-gong. Limpek think the last time limpek puked this hard was during Tobby's daughter's birthday when we down cheap champagne as though they were beer. It was by the beach so the waves sent our half-digested chickens back to our feet. The poor little girl looked as though her dad had been possessed by devil. Hahaha good ol times. Sibeh jialat.

In reality, barely three hours had passed since limpek arrived at this sleazy KTV. Kanineh what the flying fuck happened?

Rewind 3 hours ago, limpek walked in and met Dr Druggie Ronald for the first time. Spread on the table was his 'medicine' poison collection. Limpek was already worried that time. I mean limpek had tried smoking pot several times and some e-pills during school days or whenever limpek go back hometown Penang to look for old mates... Granted Penang really does have the best grass thanks to its distance from Thailand. And limpek's childhood Bayan Lepas member, Kamlan Wong, source the best grass. But these items by Dr. Ronald look like stuff limpek see on newspapers. With the 'DEATH PENALTY' logo next to it.

First came in the girls, and surprisingly they were really quite pretty! Vietnamese and Indonesians, all just as crazy. Limpek picked an Indonesian girl cause she was really cute with short modern bob hair that reminded limpek of my first girlfriend. And her name, Alina, was even almost the same!

But of course when she opened her mouth and all the obscenities started pouring out then she quickly sounded like the wantanmee auntie liao. And she kept holding limpek's Gojira as though its the balancing handle in the LRT. Puahbai... limpek's first love was as gentle and modest as it could get okayy!

"Bangggg, kamu ada suka main sok keh?" Alina asked limpek.

"Sok keh?? Apa tu?? Kongket ka?? Abang sukaaaa main"

"Aiyo jahaatttt... bukan kongket! Sok keh! Itu, 'keh'!" She said, pointing at Dr. Ronald's 'medicine' cabinet. Particularly at the white sachets.

"OHHH!!! ITU 'K' KAH?? You mau kah?? Wahh u manyak jahattt oh!"

The crazy GROs instantly swarmed around the K powder like flies to cow dung. The way they line the powder and suck them up like vacuum cleaner reminded limpek of Tony from Scarface. "Ohh... so the drugs are for these crazy girls." That was what came across my mind. Limpek was obviously still naive.

The first hour pretty much went by okay. Everytime limpek tried to sing a song, the girls, high like monkeys pumped with testosterone, changed it to some china disco music. Those entertainingly ridiculous music that goes YAO-AH-YAO-AH-YAO-AH or whatever they're chanting. Some girls were so fucked up with the K that they just stood there shaking their heads the whole time. Again, its like the gahmen anti-smoking campaign, they're shaking their heads "tak nak tak nak tak nak tak nak". Even in between songs when there's no music. Alina went out and came back in without her bra. I think she really liked limpek. Hahaha.


Then Tan started passing around a glass of drink to the guys. The drink obviously looked like its spiked, smells like its spiked and tasted like its spiked. Yet Tan dare to say "Mou laaaa, mou si kehhh!!! Trust me brother! Siu-siu k fhan zehhh". Sounds familiar like the fucking lawyer Lingam... sounds like me, looks like me, talks like me... but DEY! NOT ME!!!

So limpek took a sip. It tasted like flattened Coke (no gas) with a little bit of bitter aftertaste (like replacement sugar). In about 15 minutes, the buzz started to kick in already. Limpek began to feel weightless and really drunk. Then the head started to follow the beat to do the anti-smoking campaign headshake as well.

It was still okay, limpek thought. Still in control, no reason to freak out. Then in about 10-15 more minutes the effect started to wear off. So it wasnt all that horrible afterall.

Then Tan came back with another glass. "This one we mix ourselves wan, special stuff. You try and see, more or less the same wan. But this one happier a little bit. Have to finish the glass. Trust me!"

Limpek thought aiya the last one also mah-mah-tey only, no ploblem la! So taruk the entire glass.

"Tan, what is this? This one taste horrible la! Like got sour taste wan!"

"This one got some crushed happy-5 plus ecstasy. Then add the liquid they call 'beh io', is used to aneh-aneh.... the horse wan."

"Anesthesize?"

"Yes yes! the one make the horse calm down to fuck wan"

"beh io.... used to anesthesize horse wan.... HORSE!! HORSE!?!?"

"yes correct! hor liao lehhh"

"HORSE!!?? TAN, YOU SIAO AR!!!"

"Aiya dont worry brother, trust me. Horse wan is very weak, we got tiger and even elephant wan!"


Limpek felt like my testicles was stuck in my mouth, words cannot come out.

Limpek never even knew when it hit. There was definitely a gap of memory loss in between finishing the conversation and sobering up holding my dick in the toilet with no pee coming out. And then closing my eyes and waking up with Alina staring at me and wiping my face with hot towel back in the room. My zipper wasnt even pulled up yet. It hit like a truck running into you... will never see it coming.


Limpek ended up throwing up 4 times that night. The very last time, limpek thought my intestines will be hanging out from my mouth already. After limpek puked like mad and drank a whole gallon of water, the world stopped spinning so much. Limpek tipped Alina quickly and got the fuck out of that craphole. The others, with their brains all fried up, were just laying around the sofa with the equally fucked girls. Some were just standing there nodding their heads obsessively to the super loud ahbeng music in the pitch black room. With only the disco laser lights flashing around.

What in the world have I gotten myself into... That was all limpek could think.

Puahbai... horse medicine.


Limpek went home and totally blacked out. It was amazing limpek could still auto-pilot drive back. By the time limpek awoke again, was already 10am fucking late. The boss called.


"OI! NO NEED TO WORK AH!!"

"Wah boss... sorry... really cannot la... last nite..."

"YOU DONT GIVE COCK EXCUSE AH! I called Tan just now, he say nothing much went on last nite! He said everyone was sober and you even left earlier than them!"

"No leh boss, let me explain, they-"

"YOU DONT TALK SO MUCH YOU FASTER COME WORK NOW!!" Click doooo~~~


(Boss... why not you ask me chop off my balls and go die?)



The end of the Que-pac adventure.



Btw, sorry for the delay in update. I know alot of people also wanna tiao limpek for always updating cipet slow nowadays, like gahmen worker. But Limpek and family was back in Bayan Lepas last whole week until yesterday to attend a funeral of a far relative. Home is still as nice as it used to be, and limpek is considering about relocating back to Bayan, back to roots! Since most of family members also moved back from KL already. And also limpek can transfer to the IJM developments along the coast. Dont know la, see how first.



One last thing, Goldfish Uncle NEVER condone drug usage. Really, its just quite retarded.

Exactly How Much Is Too Much?

At what point does it stop being just PR servicing and become instead, mere whoring out of oneself?

Whoaa kanineh limpek trying to sound very chim chim liddat. Nevertheless, limpek had the chance to question that last week during an outing with some very important clients.

"You need to bring these clients out and make sure they have lots of fun. WE need them on OUR side. I'll cover the fund and you just take care of entertaining them"

That was boss's exact instructions. Notice how great of a salesman he is? picking words that amsu-amsu limpek as if suddenly his project problems are now mine as well. All the 'We' and 'Ours' instead of 'I' and 'My'. Last time when limpek's own project got problem, he left limpek to eat grass myself. Knnccb this kind of bitchman.

But then again, it sounded like a good deal doesnt it? Afterall, limpek knew these hamsap clients are papaya farm addicts and what can be better than letting boss pay for everything?


This was in regards to a project limpek is involved in at K.L. It's the construction of a really exclusive condominium tower which ironically has been mostly bought up or rented by foreigners; expats and investors. It is quite impossible to expect the locals to afford these multi million ringgit little boxes in the sky. Such is the failure of Malaysia that the prosperity we always try to portray pales in comparison to the majority of us monkeys earning peanuts.

But hey, what do the fattened up pigs in Parliament or GLC developers care as long as their bellies get bigger and bigger. It is just another pre-Mandela South Africa waiting to happen. They want us to think it is our own fault, that we're probably not working hard enough or talented enough. But is it really? Are we really that worthless?

Limpek's company was lucky enough to pao a little portion of the project to be done... BUT, even luckier to go screw it up. Thanks to our ever reliable angmoh manufacturers. It's not really screwing up to the point of no return, rather its just "finished work not up to standard" (the Consultant's exact words).

To put it simply, limpek's company's finished work is really lanjiao standard. Dont know whether to laugh or cry. But for what its worth, it wasn't limpek's project but my boss's.

Basically its like this: Our job done needs to be approved by project manager and client's architect. So this job was quite fucked up but they can still close one eye and tiam tiam only. But these buggers are from a huge public listed construction company and a major developer, so they dont want to just let it go. They can sue us until our lampahci shrink, and then in turn we will have to sue our manufacturer instead. Then it will go one big round like an orgy train and end up with everyone fucked in the backside by someone.

So boss ask limpek to entertain those buggers, then later together-gether we can try to do some 'lets-all-pretend-to-rectify' wayang, so the client wont be peeing hot fire anymore. Then slowly, the client will start to accept it as it is and then everything will be fine and dandy.

One thing limpek really respect this cipet chinaman boss is he always know how to get out of trouble. No matter how fucked up the situation is, he'll figure out a sneaky solution. He is like old fat chinaman version of Michael Scofield, thinking and thinking of how to break out from prison until nose also can bleed. Well, at least riding along in his ship, he didnt require limpek to hold his pocket.






That bunch of clowns clients limpek also met many times before already at the site. Project manager, Loo, site manager, Tan and client's architect, Ang. All also 40+ already. All married with few kids as well.

That puahbai Ang is the type of site architect that cannot control his voice. He is like a broken radio, turn the volume abit and it will suddenly roar until your eardrums explode. His volume explodes for no reason wan. And also, he likes to talk loud loud 2 inches from your face. Whenever he want to talk to limpek, limpek feel like he is trying to french kiss me. Can even feel the gusts of wind from his breath hitting limpek's face, sometimes even got fish porridge smell. Then next day the face sure grow few pimples because of his high protein saliva.




The project manager, Loo, even worse. When he talk to you must sit close close wan. Then sure put his hand on your thigh. Kaninahh! Damn geli! Limpek always use this dirty tactic on xiaolongnus to pok-mong. Slowly rub their thighs make them horny abit become more wet. Mana tau this cipet Loo also do that to limpek! Limpek really become more wet. Wet with sweat!




They always talk as though like really can cheong, but limpek thought "aiya kanineh, bunch of 40+ family cinapeks... how kaulat can they be". Then Tan the site supervisor called limpek to pick them up at 4pm, limpek start to suspect something wrong liao. Wahpiang why so early wan? Tan explained that they got wives waiting at home. If party until midnite, go home will kena taruk by the wives. Then their wives will throw plates and break things. Limpek hear liao also sien, confirm this bunch of old men cannot cheong wan.

Ang lead the way and the longer we drove, the more uneasy limpek felt. Why so damn far wan? Isnt that the Cheras toll already? Kanineh then see see, batu sembilan liao. What the flying fuck is batu sembilan? Then go into some kampung area, surrounded by fucking jungle. "Tan! What the fuck?! Tekan the sakai's neh neh issit??" limpek asked Tan. "Relax brother, good things must remain hidden wan". Kaninah. Limpek feel like 16 year old schoolgirl kena bluff by hamsap boyfriend to take off bra.



Still havent reach! We had to go deeper inside somemore. Finally see got one single row of shophouse. Those old school type of shophouse with small kedai runcit, kapcai service shop and mamak shop wan. Upstairs people hang underwear with holes from one end till another end. Naked kids running around with stick guns and crazy old man talking to himself in the corner. Topping it off are the stray dogs patrolling around the area and staring cock at you. One of them even missing a leg. Limpek keep getting the sensation that the stray dog is yelling at me "KUA HAMI!? KUA LAN JIAO AR KUA!!"

For a while limpek thought maybe slip through a time portal and end up in Cambodia already. Next thing you know the underage farm girls might be walking up to you and say "me love you nong time?" "sucky sucky?" But lucky this is still Malaysia. And limpek is still no pedophile.

In the middle of the row of shophouses, limpek spotted it. Big tasteless flashing neon lights "Kelab Que-PAC" like straight out of Sungei Wang. If Tokyo neon atmosphere is pop-culture, limpek found its bastard sister.

The door downstairs is locked with grills and 2 Indian thugs with walkie-talkies serve as the 1st level bouncers. These are the kinda thugs you dont want to cross eyes with because they look like they want to slice open your belly and pull out your intestines slowly and make you eat it. Their eyes are so red that limpek thought maybe they're auditioning for Twilight.

oh sorry! limpek didnt realize that was Semi-Vellu and by all means did not intend to label him as an Indian Thug. My bad my bad.

Tan spoke to them abit, tip them abit, and they mumbled something into the walkie talkie. A woman came down that is unmistakably the 'Mami'. Mamis are not very difficult to distinguish as they always have this sneaky aura with certain darkness in their eyes. The kind of feeling our 'First Lady' also do carry.

We went up to the first floor where it became even more shady. 6-7 ahbengs with walkie-talkies hung out in a big empty floor with a plastic table and chairs strewn about. Of course to be expected there was a big altar with a BIG Guan Gong idol on it. We had to go another floor up. Apparently this was just stage 2 security.

Third floor was where all the karaoke rooms were. Slap a couple of cockroach eaten sofas, a TV and some crackling speakers, there you have it. Kampung style papaya farm. Inside our room, a friend of Ang was waiting for us. Ronald was his name.

Apparently Ronald is their resident pharmacist because as soon as limpek walked in, Dr Ronald already got his whole cabinet of 'medicine' laid out on the table.

3/4 of it limpek have no idea what the flying fuck it was. But limpek saw what were unmistakably K-powder in sachets... weed joints.... ecstacy pills... and small bottles of what looked like liquid meth.


Limpek can only think, "Kanineh liao this time."





to be continued...

next post coming very soon

Kena Raid While Chiko Hot Ger In Zouk Part II

...continue from Kena Raid While Chiko Hot Ger In Zouk

Part II

Hot Jane disappear liao. Limpek also feel like heart fall down from 20 storeys. After limpek put so much effort to squint my eyes and pucker lips... hold stomach in until feel like fart also going to come out. And Hot Jane disappear just like that.

But limpek keep thinking, cannot give up! Rambo also never give up! So limpek decide to forgive her siao char boh-ness and chase after her. But then limpek cannot leave yet. There are still some bottles of whiskey not yet keep! Got many uncles last time told limpek, waste whiskey means will get sent to the 13th level of Hell. Hell King also will personally slap you down.

Limpek ask all other friends to go first and let limpek settle the whiskey. That moment got feel abit like hero from Alien movie like that... "GO! JUST GO! I WILL HOLD THE LINE!", then behind got reluctant teammates and hot ger screaming "NOOOO!!!". Then limpek save the day.

But then real life is always kanasai because they also no fuck limpek and quickly leave without even thinking twice. Hmph! You puahbais all will end up in 13th level of Hell.

After informing the nearby waitress to keep, limpek pull handbrake, swing one U-Turn, avoid bumping into many nehnehs, step accelerator and dashed to follow their trail.

Like Yang Guo chasing after Xiao Long Nu, limpek use all my qing gong (lightness kungfu) to step on air and leap on wind and fly towards the backdoor. Using my nei gong (inner kungfu) limpek trace the scent of Gu Gu (not gugujiao, don’t sampat) and caught a whiff of Pandan smelling perfume… so sweet and tasty it must be hers. Using my qi gong (chi kungfu) limpek yell a “HAAH!!” and the back emergency door burst open. Lastly, using my hiao gong (horny kungfu) limpek emit gps Dickradar detection (reliable up to 2km), and my Magic Stick automatically points to the direction of my target.

Dickradar V200 Series

Found her! But Hot Jane already outside the gate!!! Walaoeh, how can?! Could she have learn ‘Cloud Swift Dance” from the lost Nine Yin True Scripture? How can limpek not catch up? How can? How can the Pandan smell actually come from nearby mamak stall instead? How can?
Life has so many questions.

“NANTI!!” Suddenly, a squeal that sounded suspiciously like a dugong with his balls pulled off stopped limpek in my tracks.

Well, dugong don’t really squeal but limpek imagine that’s how they sound like if they do.

“TAK BOLEH KELUAR SINI!! PERGI DEPAN!!!” The ugliest Malaysian ever appeared from the dark, wearing normal clothes with jacket that look like those mat rempit in Genting Highland. Oh, and quite a fatty too. So automatically limpek know it’s a police in plain clothes.





“Semua jalan!” Dugong Police said and turned to the emergency door, must be want to lock it. Then only limpek realize I was not the only one to ‘fly’ out. There was a whole small group of us. Sigh, looks like Condor Hero limpek needs to polish on the qing gong more.

Couple of guys already walking towards the main gate and we all just follow along behind. Dugong Police didn’t bother about us anymore and proceed with his business… Limpek think that ugly bugger thought his Dugong Roar was enough to scare us into submission liao.

Then the strangest thing happen. Walking beside me was this short fat uncle, that look alot like Eric Tsang.

Eric Tsang

One minute he was walking selamba-ly, lighting a cigarette, then next thing you know, BOOM! He was flying in the air sprinting towards the side gate! And limpek not kidding this time when I say flying! He look like he was stepping on air!

“OIII!!!” Dugong Police yelled and ran after him. For a while limpek thought this is some new comedy by Stephen Chow. One ugly round ball running after another flying round ball. But cannot be, never see Yu Fa or Ng Man Tat.

Then, with a single jump... Eric Tsang uncle leap over the side gate! Round body gently gliding in the air with one arm bracing! Like a flying swan across the moon! Autumn sparrow across the sky! Wahh! Sibeh steady!! Sibeh yeng!! Can wet panties kind of yeng!! Sibeh like young Jackie Chan!!

flying swan across the moon

After that he selamba jog and disappear into the night. Dugong Police chase a few step, already panting and choking like Chua Soi Lek trying to have sex. Bravo! Limpek was really sibeh impressed. Eric Tsang uncle is my new hero. Next time if limpek see him in Velvet again will buy him a drink.



At the gate, we cannot go out also. Police lockdown the gate, limpek see so many police truck (those use to sapu horse machine or prostitutes or immigrants wan) limpek think this time hong kan liao. A lot of angmohs were there. A lot of them kaupeh kaubu like little bitches with sand in their panties.

One stupid angmoh guy look like Jason Mraz wan was yelling “Fuck Malaysia, we go Singapore! We go now!”. He looked very drunk and his friend was trying to get him to shut up before the crowd kill him. Limpek think if not got so many police, they really will whack him until pig head cookie liao. Wont be the first time limpek see angmoh kena whack by a mob in clubs. Why is it that whenever stupid angmohs drink abit abit then they start acting sibeh kham lan? As if like they asking to kena whack. Maybe young that time never kena whack much. In fact this stupid angmoh kept shouting the same thing until this big Indian guy went and confront him.

There were some words exchanged. Then shoutings. Then next thing you know, Jason Mraz guy was flying in the air, the big Indian palm stretched out. Walao its like Iron-Palm Indian Shaolin kungfu, angmoh flying backwards.




That was a Huo Yan Jia (Fearless) moment there as the Malaysians cheer for the ass-whooping of guai lan angmohs. Then the Indian Shaolin friends quickly go and hold him back before he kill the angmoh and the angmoh friends also quickly pull him away.

That angmoh somemore beh song keep shouting at the police “you stupid police, fuck this place, I bring 10 million in, now I take it to Singapore, fuck you police, you have no right”. Kanineh 10 million? maybe he really Jason Mraz? Cannot be la… look at his cheh-kai face, doesn’t look like he contribute 10 million to Malaysia economy.

Another angmoh, a hot girl that looked like younger Kate Beckinsale was also kaupeh kaubu-ing at the gate. She was screaming and sound almost like wan to cry liao “How the fuck can you do this! This is not right! You cannot make us stay here, I don’t give a fuck I’m leaving now!” Then when the police didn’t respond she went even more sampat “We have our rights! This is basic human rights! I’m reporting this to the United Nations!”

Limpek almost want to roll on the floor laughing. Kanineh human rights somemore what United Nation. Amoi, you dont know in Malaysia only got Manchester United nation and Barisan Nasional rights? Malaysians already completely brainwashed to accept this slavery. Limpek wonder what would have happen if Viet Tony Jaa mention human rights when he kena detain that time.

But the police didn’t even scold the angmohs. They just smiled back and explain patiently to them. Calmly take the abuse like shaolin monks like that. Wahh, you would think that they are saints if you didn’t know that other visitors that are not angmohs will kena whallop and whack until mother cannot recognize. Or make you do naked squats if you’re hot ger from China

actually if limpek got girlfriend to do this for me is quite sexy

Then, seeing so many commotion, limpek also feel very fhan so decided to walk back to the quiet side area. Limpek got no choice but to squat at one side and smoke like a mat rempit. Nothing much else to do but sit and wait.

Sigh, limpek think. If only now got nasi lemak to eat... sambal ikan bilis... sotong curry... si ham... dugong... Eh, dugong!

Limpek suddenly realize....

Dugong Police is no longer watching there!


Suddenly an enlightening vision blessed by heaven enter limpek's head. Abit blurry at first but soon limpek can make out the shape of a person. No, this time its not a naked Victoria Secret angel with wings. But this time, the vision sent by heaven is a man. And it was Eric Tsang uncle!

Eric Tsang uncle only has one thing to say...









YES!!! Suddenly limpek also feel LIKE CAN DO IT!!!

Remembering the Nine Yang Holy Scripture,

Limpek start to gather the ‘qi’




Limpek kick the ground in one mighty leap






Next thing you know, limpek was flying....

like an eagle cutting the night sky... seeking freedom that was just behind the wall

...

Goldfish Uncle as he was last seen, basked in the bittersweet glory of lonely freedom… flying away among the wind into the darkness of the night.

Nine Yang Holy Scripture no:113 – “Swan Into Jade Maiden Lake at Dusk”

Kena Raid While Chiko Hot Ger in Zouk

Last last Friday 30th April 2010. paiseh... limpek update abit slow

Walaoeh limpek kena police raid!

That same friday Tony Jaa kena police check, limpek also kena police check. This is the second incident limpek was talking about last post.

Velvet also got police raid wan ar? Limpek somemore always hear people say Zouk is number 1 club in KL, police wont kacau wan. What the hell man. Must be Zouk boss angpow not big enough last chinese new year, some enforcement beh song liao.

So that night, my clubbing kaki Hui Lip Hao introduce this hot ger to limpek. Because limpek always bug him ask him to intro ger. This Lip Hao knows alot of hot ger wan. Finally he beh tahan liao he pull this one hot ger to limpek and ask limpek ownself settle. Limpek of course faster put on game-face, wipe away the chikopekness from showing on the face. Limpek game face very important wan... must go through step by step like Cheddarina's facial guide. Limpek feeling generous will share with you the ultimate game-face.

First you must pucker up the lips




then take deep breath suck in tummy deep deep and expand chest




then must squint the eyes hard hard to make sexy eyes




Then kaulat lor.... game face is on...


How? Win lor what else. "The world at your feet" ah dont play play.

So it started out perfect, limpek try to eliminate as many Benglish from limpek's sentences. Limpek also did not refer to myself as limpek. So can still sound like a civilize man... not chao beng uncle like my other chikopek friends. Not too many 'la', 'mah', 'wa', 'leh', 'boh', 'wan', 'neh', etc, u know those Benglish words la.

Limpek try not to talk like this:

"Helo, limpek is called Goldfish la. Come from Penang lor, nehh the Bayan Lepas there mah, u know boh? Very happening place wan. You got hear before boh?

because limpek last time hear sales girl say, cannot talk like that... no chio ger will want. She also say, must soon-soon the english, tarik abit of slang slang, with abit of street words. So limpek watch alot of MTV and improvised to,

"Whaddup shawwtiee, Goldfish Deejayyy in da house yaww. Issa fuckin cool yawww. All the way from the streets of 'Bee Why Elle Pee', island rawk in da house yawww. Yaknow waddyemeannn? Word. Brother, word! Mm-hmm! Dayymnnn!"

Hot ger also start laughing. Limpek think it really works. Must remember to say thank you to sales girl.

Limpek was syok syok chiko-ing this hot ger, Jane, and was asking for her number already. While she was key-ing the number suddenly the manager appear, whisper to us like very kan cheong like that. "Polis sudah mali polis sudah mali!!!" Wahhpiang! Hot Jane and limpek also terkejut! Limpek somemore thought maybe manager also ons that hot Jane and want to chase limpek away! Sabo limpek!

Limpek remember again sales girl's words on how to talk cool. Limpek also try to act hero

"Chiilllll brutha!! Its coool yaww! Aint yall worry bout nut-in. Mo money mo problems! Hotel motel holiday inn yaww! You be my american boy! Baby are you downdowndown? Its cool yaww!"

Hot Jane also giggle and relax. Successful!!! Walaoeh, sibeh stim of myself liao. Really must buy sales girl dinner.

Then manager still look very worried, "Betulkah? You sure no problem ar? They are going to lock down the whole club you know! Zouk, Velvet, Phuture, Arristo... semua sekali boss!"

Limpek start to sweat liao. Sounds like this bugger serious wan wor.

"Wehh... you serious wan ar? Dont play play lehh brother! Confirm boh??"

"Oi brother, of course serious la this kind of thing! Come! You faster follow me I take you out from the back door!"

Wah kanineh liao, from the looks of it, this bugger not joking wan leh. What the flying fuck! Why suddenly got raid wan of all things. Took limpek a few seconds before limpek get a full understanding that its actually happening.

Limpek turned to Hot Jane, and she turn to me... same look of zhar lan dou on our face (accidentally grab balls look). At that time she was still holding my phone, havent key in her number finish yet.

Then suddenly she turn and throw limpek's phone on the table and quickly run! WAHBENG! What the fuck?! The phone slide off the table and fell to the floor! Kanineh lucky floor got carpet wan so my brick handphone didnt shatter to pieces! Siaooo charrr bohhh!!!

Limpek think, nevermind, remember sales girl say must act cool. So limpek go and pick it up, battery all fly out already... then want to turn around and say "Hey babe, dont worry bout nut-in baby, its all chill baby!" (like very cool like that, learn from Ashton Kutcher wan).

Limpek turn around... she disappear liao.




to be continued...



p/s: stay tune for part II, limpek promise it wont take too long

Velvet Toilet, Bathroom Manners and DONT SHAKE DICK!

Limpek was at Velvet the other day, and then run into an old friend. Of all the places, we bumped into each other in the toilet. You know la, velvet toilet so damn cramped, until have to line up outside the cubicle just to wait for urinals to clear. The Zouk clubbers also damn cibai wan sometimes. You see, the toilet is set up like that ...
As you can see, at any given time, 5 person can use the toilet. 2 can pangsai in the cubicles and 3 can piss on the urinals. Personally limpek think those cibais who go pangsai in club cubicles should be made to swallow their own shit. Along with the fucker who design the toilet.

Already you are talking about hundreds of guests in the club and 1 tiny lanjiao toilet, yet you must go pangsai in the cubicle. Want to pangsai cannot just go home or somewhere else issit? Want to pangsai also must come out clubbing ar? Helo! Ah hia! Just because you lift one butt cheek to silent your fart, you think all the people outside waiting cannot smell your shit is it?

Then even worse is the urinal. You see the diagram ming ming got space for 3 person to pee right? But it never fucking happens. The right side guy pee aiming the right corner while the left side guy pee aiming left corner. Then the cibai clubbers (especially the young college type) will NEVER go to the middle wan. Its like they thinking "aiyoo paisehhh people see my gugu lehhh, later they laugh *giggle giggle shyy shyyy lehhh".

KNNB CCB!!! Helo! Already you can see outside got space for 4 person to wait only. The rest have to wait OUTSIDE the toilet. You cannot see the line meh? You cannot smell the shit coming from the cubicle making our face green meh? Just because you feel insecure about your small gugu and we dowan to be cibai to cut your line! You think because your bimbo girlfriend laugh at your small gugu we all going to give a shit?!?

And then you have the cibais standing on the red cross on the diagram. Helo! You stand there everytime the door open kena your head, very syok is it? Make way la kanineh!

Then comes the ultimate super cibai fuckers. Remember the old saying (i forgot from where d), that 'no matter how much you shake it, a drop or two of urine will still leak into your underwear'? These ultimate super cibai fuckers dont believe in that wan. After peeing they will do this:





or this

VIGOROUSLY FOR LIKE 10 FUCKING SECONDS!!!

wahhh chaooo ciiii baiiiii your fucking piss is spilling all over!! Kena my cibai arm already la you blardy gong cibai!!! Kanine you actually trying to shake off the leftover or are you actually trying to make sperm come out!?! Its supposed to be three shakes only!! puah bai!! Study so much but dont know how to shake cock!

Limpek teach you all puah bais la. Use one hand. Make 'V' victory sign with first finger and middle finger. Lift your thumb away so wont kena droplets. Hold your hotdog in between the V like a giant cigarrette. Then smoke it. No dont smoke it, dont be gong cibai. Apply slight pressure on two fingers and flick it firmly DOWNWARDS at an angle towards the urinal. 3 FLICKS ONLY! Any more you are masturbating in public liao!!

Eh hiao beh hiao??! If next time limpek see you masturbating on the urinal again limpek will give a hard kick on your arse to let you fuck the urinal wall.


Ok then back to the topic about bumping into Old Friend beside me in the toilet. Of course limpek was using MIDDLE URINAL LANE because limpek is not a kiasi cibai to make others wait. And limpek got godzilla nothing to be shy of. See mah see la, si hamsap kia. So Old Friend saw me and we started talking lah. Guys are very flexible wan. Pee that time can talk cock sing song also. Not like girls so troublesome shy this shy that. Old Friend finish peeing before me. And he was doing the Flicking No:1 thing like the diagram. Limpek pee syok syok suddenly notice people shaking beside me of course turned to look la.

Eh shit, talk so long liao. Tomoro only continue la.

First reader, Chikopeks & Noisy Bed

Let’s not talk about anal today la. Since this morning until now has been laosai-ing like third-world country. The last thing I wanna hear is things going in or out of assholes. We’ll continue that story next time…. Don’t worry, Goldfish uncle everything also don’t have, but got a lot of time.

On a sidenote, limpek have a single reader finally!!! Carrie I shall forever commemorate you as my first and sole reader and feel forever indebted to you. Since limpek really thought only my pantat chikopek friends will come to this site and check whether I got reveal their dirty secrets anot. Who knows finally got 1 person bother to read!! HA!! DIE YOU KANINEHS!!! Sommore I check her website, 'cheddarina' WAHHH SHE IS ACTUALLY A HOT CHIO BU!! Title there already can see one sibeh hot amoi!! Hoh seh liao la!!! Wahh limpek must’ve done a lot of charity last life, give to humankind. Maybe limpek last time is sun yat sen? That’s why so brillian? Can sing like Michael Jackson? Hemsem like Kutchee Ashton? see… somemore can rhyme. Jia hua hee already.

Then I see punya see, mana tau….. SHE IS MARRIED LIAO!!!

straight away limpek...

Aihh... 28 year old uncle… really cham… going to be alone…. whole life liao… me and four walls…世上只有妈妈好~~~

Suan le ba, life's like that

So, supposedly sleeping through a hangover from last night's kaulat party at Zouk, limpek asyik kena woken up by SMS from the bunch of blardy chikopeks. First one was from Tiong Beng.

"I hav to admit. Age catching up. Really really cannot drink n work nex morning. Si beh suffer now, waiting to close shop n rest. But 2nite sure kena punishment from wife, for yesterday MIA"

Tiong Beng is open IT shop in shopping mall wan. So never have holiday or weekend off wan. Sibeh ke-lian. I malas to layan the sms, went back to sleep. Then sms from my brother Cliffard

"Tiong Beng, u r da man la.. apo ni, share la. Sms circulate us 4 only, so scared for wat. Whr u loot her? Hahaha"

Then Tiong Beng:

"D story is yesterday Tobby completely fuck up. Cliffard and Weeman hav to jaga him take home. Leaving me, Dumbo and Garren. Dumbo left and I fetch Garren home coz his car in Kepong. Sync our cover story k!"

Nabeh by now I also quite awake d. Early morning sms fly here fly there... all details sommore so complicated.

Then Weeman's turn.

"TB kau lat ha. Loot her in ur car ala jack neo style isit?"

Then Tiong Beng.

"At her apart at damansara. Stupid cheap bed, like gonna collapse, so noisy! Told me nex time my place. Siao Boh! but she WET man I tell ya! Left my wallet there! And she know im married. Weeman. ur doing? Full story nex time la. Chipet Cliffard, SMS, wan the whole world to know AR!"

At this point I was laughing like gugujiao already about the bed. Imagining it going EE-O-EE-O-EE-O like those old bicycle when you never oil the chain. Then somemore the capital WET... hahaha why must put capital leh? Puah bai this Tiong Beng. I was thinking maybe this is not regular wet, but like melimpah limpah pouring waterfall wet! thats why must put capital! Hahaha. Maybe she pee on you la Beng! Then somemore go and leave wallet there. Wah, if limpek is the girl, limpek will phone him...

"Eh siao eh... tomoro you go and sell your IT shop. Sell everything. Then I want RM300,000. I give you until friday. You dowan? You dont love your wife? What you think if I tell your wife and show him this wallet? That time see who wet? When your shit also come out I see your pants wet anot?!"

HAHAHA. Sibeh hongkan liao this Tiong Beng. Hahaha when he give the RM300,000 (this guy sure got wan la, very hoh seh wan his business) then the girl can buy big big emperor size bed. Hahaha. Then wont collapse already. But Tiong Beng's piggy bank will collapse. Inside khang-khang no support.

Wah but this girl ha, not bad wan, quite chio wan. Without makeup limpek not sure la, because she seem to use quite heavy make up. She is those oobak oobak type, meaty meaty, so got quite some lingkus on her. Tiong Beng always also like these oobak girls. Always also say those more wet. Kaninah I think maybe his gugu skin very sensitive. Abit of friction will tear off from the head. But the weird thing is, his wife is SIBEH SIBEH skinny wan! Like tek-ko liddat skinny. Go figure.

These chikopeks really mong kang wan. Wan to hamsap then dont get married mah. Like limpek. Stay single. Give alot of Godzilla love to many amois. Let them use me to fill whatever emptiness they have in their life. They know at that Godzilla moment I truly love them and want them to be happy wan. Then enough for them liao. Even if it last only for that moment. Enough for limpek also. Because outside in real world all also fake wan.

But Tiong Beng must thank me for giving him the last minute encouragement. At the end of the nite, it was only left me, my date Twinkie, Tiong Beng, that girl Crystal,

and her original date Forgot-His-Name. Yes, originally she brought a date along wan. Hahaha. But that yuppie nerd is like gong gong liddat somemore selamba drink people's brandy never offer to pay. At first we just layan layan abit lor. Then everybody left already because those puki cannot drink but wanna banzai end up puking everywhere and left us. Then I just suddenly felt bored and want to go home liao, so I turn to Tiong Beng and told him "Eh, what you waiting for? bring her back liao la. I cover for you and distract mister yuppie there". Then I proceed to go purposely talk to mister yuppie. Waraoeh... these yuppie type guys, really sien kah nah lan. Talk to him limpek feel limpek better talk to my Godzilla. My Godzilla also more interesting than the things he talk about.

Then next thing I know, Tiong Beng really sneak off with Crystal! Kaulat! Hahaha that girl didnt even say anything to yuppie gongkia u know? Girls really horrible. Just disappear suddenly and go play oos-oos. Right after that I boh layan yuppie d and continue goreng goreng dirty dancing with my darling date Twinkie. Then went home and pengsan. Cibai u fuckers must believe me, I didnt bring Twinkie home la. Still got some goodness left in Goldfish uncle ok?

By the last sms, i suddenly remember "Oh SHITTT!!! Cibai liao!!! supposed to go pray grandfather for ching bing this morning."

Hongkan lor, another reason for my old man to tiu me kau kau lat. And maybe left rm100 for me in the will. Aiya fuck it la... nothing new. But hopefully ah kong will not blame me and continue po pui po pui me ok? Thank u thank u, pls make me huat tat and hua hee this year ok? rest in peace.