Dear Boss (Ending)

Dear Boss,

Now let’s get back to our conversation, shall we? Before that, I really had to ask if you somehow managed to stumble upon my blog. That should explain why you wasted no time to send me out to Kampung Baru Changloon. Holy shit boss. Kampung Baru Changloon. Have I heard about Changloon before in my life? Sure, I did have a classmate named Chiang Loon a long time ago. He used to eat his boogers, but that’s beside the point. Apart from the fact that you sent me out to the middle of nowhere (again), I'm still fairly impressed by how the hell you could secure a project somewhere in between no mans land and hills with eyes. It's as abandoned as the spot in between your anus and testicles. Why in the world would anyone build anything there!?

Did you know I had plain fried noodles three times a day for almost the entire week? I swear my shit were starting to come out in strands by the end of it. But you were very successful in stopping me from blogging. Because nevermind computers, there wasn’t even sufficient electricity from the generator to let us keep our lights on long enough. The Bangladeshi perverts could’ve been masturbating to my face every night and I wouldn’t even know. Come to think of it, maybe that's why my eye was kinda stuck together that one morning.

But nevermind that. Let’s get back to topic. Now where was I, boss? Oh right.

Yes, boss. I, FUCKED in your office room. And by that I did not mean the street expression of fuck as in “fuck you bitch!” or “man, that shit is really fucked” or “why do you have to go and fuck it up”. Whereas, boss, I meant to say that I had sex in your room. With a girl. No, not with my hands as you think I often do (although I will not deny that). Rather it was with a cute girl that you fantasize about whenever you pleasure your missus. Speaking of which, I believe, is rare.

It wasn’t just your regular wham-bam-thankyou-m’am, boss. It was loads and loads of sex. Like the smell of jasmine on the first day of spring. Or the deep stench of a passing garbage truck. Overwhelming. In fact, if you stare hard at your desk, it almost feels like its about to blurt out “Holy shit there was a lot of sex going on here last night!” Such is the aura of the great after-sex. And all those loads and loads of sex compressed into a single night. And then further compressed into a single hour.

Ahh, how I recall the short passionate moment on your mahogany carved desk,

a little banging against your double-pane fully tinted glass,

a little rub-a-dub on that contemporary glass coffee table,

and a whole lot of no-no-oh-shit-yes on your prime Italian sofa.

Dear boss, I could not however, for the life of me, find the remote for the air-conditioning in your room. I paid for that with a hell load of sweating. The genius of where you hid it confounded me, although I can never understand how you must’ve predicted this moment and wanted to save on the air-conditioning electricity bill. You’re always efficiently economical like that. Like how you always returned all the scented napkins to the restaurants on our company dinners and then demand them for a discount.

Or how the rest of the office staff uses furniture that comes embedded with termites as our office pets, or tables and desks that look suspiciously like the ones they throw out from the primary school next door. Truth be told, you’re a genius in cost-saving. They should call you, Costco, Walmart, Econsave, or something.

Remember the one single time you promoted me over the 4 years I worked for you, you said to me “You know what, I think you’re doing a great job. You deserve a promotion and I’m going to give you one today”. It was the happiest day of my life.

It was one small step for a job title (executive to managerial), and one giant leap for salary increment. Remember boss? Eighty eight fucking ringgit.

In an instant I officially became the lowest paid manager in Malaysia. I wanted to call up my mom and scream to her “MOM I FINALLY MADE IT!!” but my phone had no more credits. Oh I’m sorry boss, I meant the beautiful hi-tech COMPANY phone that YOU proudly issued to me.

Now really, at least an increment was better than none. And I supposed the number eighty eight is your own special way of expressing your kind of humor. Way to go boss. If you had added 88 cents to make it RM88.88, I wouldve thought you're the funniest man on Earth.

But among all your greatness, your best display of cost-saving will definitely be the time when you promised me an office room in the main office. Boy, did I get one. Tune Hotel and Tony Fernandez himself would’ve been proud of you. I was only surprised that the activation button on the air-cond did not come with an ‘insert-coin’ slot.

You know boss, I’m always curious why my office room is laid with ceramic tiles, have huge pipes running overhead, comes with a ventilation fan on the grill and smells somewhat funky. Yes, no price for guessing what the room actually was. But hey, you said it wasn’t a toilet, boss. So I believe you. Like one douchebag used to say “It may look like it, sound like it, but is not it”.

But seriously boss, the thing that gave it away was probably the little sink pipe outlet on the north wall. I mean boss, what else could that be? Telegram vacuum tube? I don’t know boss. Perhaps it was just my wild imagination.

Just like whenever someone flushes on the toilet upstairs, (right above me, by the way), I sometimes hear these curious sounds of solid matter dropping into water. I’m not sure how to describe it, or if I even want to. What’s the word? Plonking? Like, plonk!...shhhh…. plonk! ‘stuffs’ swimming happily through the huge pipes above me. It does wonders for my lunchtime appetite.

Well that’s that in cost-saving. On the other end of the rainbow, I must say your investment talent is just as sharp. Your prime Italian sofa, for example, was indeed the best investment in your room. The ample bounce on the springs and the plush leather made me feel like I was getting BMW Auto-Bavaria servicing on my gigantic penis while being wrapped in soft and warm embrace of a milky cocoon with a whiff of Persian leather oil. That sentence doesn’t even make sense. That’s how good it is.

Your mahogany carved desk was a point worth noting as well. All the humping and pushing and never did it let out a squeak. But of course, my favorite will have to be your gigantic fish tank, boss. Your fishes now share a deep untold bond with me, after bearing witness to our holy union that night.

Boss, did you really spent RM500 on each of those little Nemos? I could not tell if their eyes always bulged like that or if they were just impressed with my penis. See, apart from Mc Donald’s fillet o’ fish, I have completely no knowledge on our aquatic friends. Now termites, that’s a different story.

Dear boss,

To express my deepest love and gratitude to you, I left a gift forever embedded into the sanctity of your throne room. When the moment of sexual enlightenment ‘came’ (pun intended), I gave it my all with a big thrust and some puckering up of the asshole and some sucking in of the butt-cheeks. Boy, if that was not an Olympic gold medal shot, I don’t know what is. Heck, my knees almost buckled.

Boss, the apple-shaped sweat stain on the sofa may have evaporated by morning, palm marks on the tinted glass windows may have dried up, but a little part of me will forever remain close to you. Trailing down the corner of one glass pane, like a river making way to the sea, was the one token of my memory to you. My own little army of barley soldiers, boss, that’s how much I love you. Sure, most of it must be dried up by now and soaked into the edge of the carpet, but boss, a pinch of love remains and you can always feel its aura. Love is everlasting afterall..

Yes boss. If you stare at it close enough, its there boss. Little spots of barley paradise staring back at you longingly. Like a virgin lover on the window pane of a mid September night.

So here is where I sign off boss, and I probably will not be writing you anymore for a long while. Well, that's what I hope. At least not until I collect enough wisdom from you again. If you really did stumble upon my blog, please, do not pop a vein. It is supposed to be therapeutic according to my hot therapist. Oh wait, I cannot afford a therapist. And please please do not send me to some site in between the testicles and anus again. Taking a shit in the jungle and fearing for snakes while your dick is hanging out is not very pleasant.

So remember boss, if you ever feel lonely, millions of dried up mini-mes are always there to accompany you. Just imagine them as persistent little tadpole buggers, roaming the strands of your carpet. Waiting for that one day when they can all do the butterfly strokes to the warm, wet and stinky gloryhole again. Crushed dreams and delusional ambitions, served just like life.

Take care now boss, and see you soon.

Yours truly,

The only monkey that stayed when you paid peanuts.

Dear Boss

Dear Boss,


How are you? I hope you had alot of fun on your trip to Manila last week. I'm sure there were alot of businesses that you still had to attend to there as you claimed. We all understand how most businesses are really conducted in golf courses, papaya karaokes and brothels. But before we start, I feel that there's a need to address to a disturbing issue of late.

You see, lately, I noticed that you had increased the consistency of the strange habit of scratching your crotch in public to an alarming rate. I would like to point out that stuffing your hand into your pocket to pretend like you are fishing for your keys does not really work anymore. Especially when you claw at the itch so ferociously that I began wondering if you'd tear your skin. Lets just hope for your wife's sake that the itch was not imported from Philippines.

Boss, while you were gone, we were all fine and dandy here in the office. I'm sure we dont need the vacation like you do because you're the only one who works hard in the company. 10 days annual leaves works just fine with me. In fact, I think it's really efficient, especially when public holidays fall on Saturdays and it does not get forwarded. Thus putting a grand total of 6 public holidays and 10 leave holidays in 365 days. Heck, I was just thinking, how the hell am I going to spend 16 days doing nothing? This is why you are a genius boss. Fuck the labor laws right? what do they know. You're so James Dean boss, and that is so cool.

Boss, I remember some time ago when Hari Raya was a week long holiday. Now that we only get one single day off, boy, do I realize how redundant and time-wasting those holidays were. I'm sure you'd agree. You said to me the other day "Hari Raya break so many days for what? The Malays are already so fucking lazy". Sure, lesser informed people will scream racism at this statement, but little do they know you also said the Chinese were all thieving and conniving assholes so they deserve no CNY break. And then some months later, you said the Indians were good-for-nothing dumb gangsters, and these gangsters deserve no Deepavali break.

Well you should remember that one. Because the Indian lorry driver right behind us heard what you said and I swear I heard a vein popped in his neck. I'm still relieved today that I never heard your neck being popped after that. Geez, what racist? I know you're no racist boss. You hate everyone just as well. So thank you, because we all know it has nothing to do with hating holidays but you're just trying to form discipline by maintaining consistency.

So, you asked me what this is all about boss? You see, my therapist said that it will truly do me good if I can confront my feelings about you and express it. Perhaps that way we can say our peace and move on with our lives. She said by doing so, both of us can make waking up in the morning a little easier.

My therapist is actually pretty hot, boss. My mom used to warn me never to listen to pretty girls, but this therapist sounded like she knew what she was talking about. Plus when I'm lying on her leather couch, I sometimes catch a good glimpse of her lace panties. I truly love surprises like that. So, about her idea of confrontation with you, let's just see how it goes, shall we boss?

Well, the truth is boss, I dont even have a therapist. I guess if I had one that's what she'll say. And I'd probably find a pretty one. And the truth is boss, I cannot even afford one. Much less the nice new sports car that you left the brochure of in my office. I had a tough time wondering why you left the brochure there. For the weirdest moment, I actually allowed my completely witless mind to imagine maybe you meant to get the car for me as a company car.

Silly me. You were absolutely right. When I asked you if you were getting me the car and you laughed so loud that I started worrying if you'd pop an artery. Then you said I must've knocked my head silly in the construction site, for saying such a dumb thing. You were right. I must've knocked my head at the site. But hey, thanks for the... brochure? I guess shoving it unto my face and reminding me how little money you're paying me is a great motivation? I'm sure that's your humble intention. And I'm sure you have your reasons. They say God works in mysterious ways. You're like God, boss.

Boss, I must admit that at first I felt offended and insulted when my staff revealed to me that you had been badmouthing me behind my back. And to MY staff, of all people. I mean, what kind of douchebag would do something like that? But later I realized, that you're too professional and too much of a man to be saying such negative things directly to me, and it would be too unbecoming of your big boss status. Direct confrontation is not always the best scenario. So I applaud you for your innovative solution. Spread it instead to the junior staffs.

I totally took heed of your modern business style, which is why I passed the box of Viagra that you asked me to buy for you to my executive. She then passed it to the admin clerk who later passed it on to your personal assistant who left it on your desk. It's too bad you never realized how professional the entire purchase was handled.

Boss, I must also thank you for the display of trust you placed on my talent. Back during the Tampin project when your son fucked it up so badly, you took him out so quickly and dragged me in, out of nowhere. I was never involved in the project hence I had no clue what was going on, but you insisted that I "BE A MAN!", and stick out my neck and reputation on the line. If you had added "DOO THE RIGHT TING!", you wouldve sounded like Russell Peters and I might have found that funny.

But boss, when shit started to surface and everyone (including you) crucified me to be the scapegoat, it wasnt funny at all. Did you know that the client screamed at me so passionately that his saliva practically mosturized my face? After that, my skin did have the healthy glow that Ms. DBLchin always talks about in her blog.

Boss, I now realize that you were genuinely confident that despite my complete lack of experience and non-existent involvement in that project, you felt that I could save the project and along with your son. I'm so sorry and always regretted that I failed you that time. That is why I never blamed the crucifix and did not say a thing when you stated that incident as the reason for me not having any bonus that year.

Boss, we have now come to the part which my pretty therapist calls "Constructive Confessions". It's a rip-off from hot THB's 今日的忏悔 . It's okay though, because my therapist is just as hot.

But the thing is, boss, I dont really have a therapist. It's because I can't really afford one. And I guess I've already told you that. Well, I'm just... hinting... nevermind.

Boss, you remember that cute sweet secretary from the office two blocks away that you always talk about? The one the entire office knew you probably fantasize about whenever you 'choke-your-monkey'? Yes, the one who came to invite you to their company's annual dinner but you chose to ridicule her job, her company and even her car instead. I did not understand, but perhaps you were really going for the whole bad-boy Johny Depp image thing by behaving like such a prick. You always did preach about 'nan ren bu huai, nu ren bu ai' afterall. But perhaps it wasn't the sexiest image for a fat balding 65 year old ugly chinaman.

Later on you kept demanding me to look her up, to hire her to work for you. Sure, I thought, I was just going to march right into her office, whip out my oversized penis, smack her on the face with it and command her to work for you.

I did tell you later that I could not get a hold of her, and you called me a complete idiot to have wasted what would've been a great staff. It is so completely my fault, boss, I couldn't agree more.

But you see, boss, I lied.

I did run into her after that, and I did get to know her better. We hit off pretty well actually, and I guess its because we did share something in common; our great love for you.

But that's not all, boss.

Well, you see, boss... around this time last year...


we fucked.








In your office room.

to be continued.

How Much Is Too Much Part II

Limpek opened my eyes, and limpek was here...





There's still a certain realization that this all could not possibly be real.

So limpek scrambled to search back reality. Eyes closed, here I was...





And everything was throbbing, that it started to feel like this..

Edward wouldnt have approved...

"Calm the fuuuuccccckkk downn!!!" Limpek remember telling myself. Whether it was said out loud, there's no way to know.

Closed eyes and the stage changed...



The music started becoming really loud, and colours blinding. There's no way that this isnt illusion.

Closed eyes, and opened, and it was a whole new world again.





At this point, limpek was starting to doubt whether limpek was sane in the first place. Whether there was real sanity at all. Limpek really believed that the situation is completely fucked up beyond any reason. There's no way to get out of this loop. This is it.

Closed eyes, space travelled again.



It was really hard to describe... of course these weren't the exact real images of the spaces limpek hopped to. But it was real close in terms of mood and atmosphere. The feeling of helplessness is incredible, that there was no way left for limpek to control the situation. The paranoia became devastating. You start doubting whether the world had always been one short consciousness after another, or if you'll finally sober up at one point.

Your body feels foreign to you. You send commands of actions to your body, some are executed and some are not. But you feel nothing even if the movements were executed. Limpek remember forcing my hands to massage my temples, and ended up feeling two foreign sticks prodding at limpek's head. Limpek is still unsure if those were my fingers.

Music changes from muffled, as though you're in an eclosed glass cube, to ear-shattering loud. And the world is weightless, without gravity. You spin non-stop on all directions.

Travelling between worlds, it felt like a lifetime had passed.

To be honest, limpek was scared shitless. Siao liao... boh hang kiu liao... thats all limpek can think of.

After several lightyears, limpek opened my eyes again...

old school laser disco lights!

Waitaminute... she looks quite familiar wor. But where am I? Kaninah why so noisy wan!? Puahbai!

Eh, this place... hamsap KTV wor.... Eh?? How come?

Oh wait... just now....

As soon as the memory hits, it surges and floods your head like an overwhelming orgasm after 2 dry weeks. You can feel as though your eyes going to pop out because the memories are smashing against it.

Limpek ran straight to the toilet, stumbling like Rosmah trying to do ballet. As soon as limpek spot the bowl, shit starts spraying out from the mouth like dragonball hei-gong. Limpek think the last time limpek puked this hard was during Tobby's daughter's birthday when we down cheap champagne as though they were beer. It was by the beach so the waves sent our half-digested chickens back to our feet. The poor little girl looked as though her dad had been possessed by devil. Hahaha good ol times. Sibeh jialat.

In reality, barely three hours had passed since limpek arrived at this sleazy KTV. Kanineh what the flying fuck happened?

Rewind 3 hours ago, limpek walked in and met Dr Druggie Ronald for the first time. Spread on the table was his 'medicine' poison collection. Limpek was already worried that time. I mean limpek had tried smoking pot several times and some e-pills during school days or whenever limpek go back hometown Penang to look for old mates... Granted Penang really does have the best grass thanks to its distance from Thailand. And limpek's childhood Bayan Lepas member, Kamlan Wong, source the best grass. But these items by Dr. Ronald look like stuff limpek see on newspapers. With the 'DEATH PENALTY' logo next to it.

First came in the girls, and surprisingly they were really quite pretty! Vietnamese and Indonesians, all just as crazy. Limpek picked an Indonesian girl cause she was really cute with short modern bob hair that reminded limpek of my first girlfriend. And her name, Alina, was even almost the same!

But of course when she opened her mouth and all the obscenities started pouring out then she quickly sounded like the wantanmee auntie liao. And she kept holding limpek's Gojira as though its the balancing handle in the LRT. Puahbai... limpek's first love was as gentle and modest as it could get okayy!

"Bangggg, kamu ada suka main sok keh?" Alina asked limpek.

"Sok keh?? Apa tu?? Kongket ka?? Abang sukaaaa main"

"Aiyo jahaatttt... bukan kongket! Sok keh! Itu, 'keh'!" She said, pointing at Dr. Ronald's 'medicine' cabinet. Particularly at the white sachets.

"OHHH!!! ITU 'K' KAH?? You mau kah?? Wahh u manyak jahattt oh!"

The crazy GROs instantly swarmed around the K powder like flies to cow dung. The way they line the powder and suck them up like vacuum cleaner reminded limpek of Tony from Scarface. "Ohh... so the drugs are for these crazy girls." That was what came across my mind. Limpek was obviously still naive.

The first hour pretty much went by okay. Everytime limpek tried to sing a song, the girls, high like monkeys pumped with testosterone, changed it to some china disco music. Those entertainingly ridiculous music that goes YAO-AH-YAO-AH-YAO-AH or whatever they're chanting. Some girls were so fucked up with the K that they just stood there shaking their heads the whole time. Again, its like the gahmen anti-smoking campaign, they're shaking their heads "tak nak tak nak tak nak tak nak". Even in between songs when there's no music. Alina went out and came back in without her bra. I think she really liked limpek. Hahaha.


Then Tan started passing around a glass of drink to the guys. The drink obviously looked like its spiked, smells like its spiked and tasted like its spiked. Yet Tan dare to say "Mou laaaa, mou si kehhh!!! Trust me brother! Siu-siu k fhan zehhh". Sounds familiar like the fucking lawyer Lingam... sounds like me, looks like me, talks like me... but DEY! NOT ME!!!

So limpek took a sip. It tasted like flattened Coke (no gas) with a little bit of bitter aftertaste (like replacement sugar). In about 15 minutes, the buzz started to kick in already. Limpek began to feel weightless and really drunk. Then the head started to follow the beat to do the anti-smoking campaign headshake as well.

It was still okay, limpek thought. Still in control, no reason to freak out. Then in about 10-15 more minutes the effect started to wear off. So it wasnt all that horrible afterall.

Then Tan came back with another glass. "This one we mix ourselves wan, special stuff. You try and see, more or less the same wan. But this one happier a little bit. Have to finish the glass. Trust me!"

Limpek thought aiya the last one also mah-mah-tey only, no ploblem la! So taruk the entire glass.

"Tan, what is this? This one taste horrible la! Like got sour taste wan!"

"This one got some crushed happy-5 plus ecstasy. Then add the liquid they call 'beh io', is used to aneh-aneh.... the horse wan."

"Anesthesize?"

"Yes yes! the one make the horse calm down to fuck wan"

"beh io.... used to anesthesize horse wan.... HORSE!! HORSE!?!?"

"yes correct! hor liao lehhh"

"HORSE!!?? TAN, YOU SIAO AR!!!"

"Aiya dont worry brother, trust me. Horse wan is very weak, we got tiger and even elephant wan!"


Limpek felt like my testicles was stuck in my mouth, words cannot come out.

Limpek never even knew when it hit. There was definitely a gap of memory loss in between finishing the conversation and sobering up holding my dick in the toilet with no pee coming out. And then closing my eyes and waking up with Alina staring at me and wiping my face with hot towel back in the room. My zipper wasnt even pulled up yet. It hit like a truck running into you... will never see it coming.


Limpek ended up throwing up 4 times that night. The very last time, limpek thought my intestines will be hanging out from my mouth already. After limpek puked like mad and drank a whole gallon of water, the world stopped spinning so much. Limpek tipped Alina quickly and got the fuck out of that craphole. The others, with their brains all fried up, were just laying around the sofa with the equally fucked girls. Some were just standing there nodding their heads obsessively to the super loud ahbeng music in the pitch black room. With only the disco laser lights flashing around.

What in the world have I gotten myself into... That was all limpek could think.

Puahbai... horse medicine.


Limpek went home and totally blacked out. It was amazing limpek could still auto-pilot drive back. By the time limpek awoke again, was already 10am fucking late. The boss called.


"OI! NO NEED TO WORK AH!!"

"Wah boss... sorry... really cannot la... last nite..."

"YOU DONT GIVE COCK EXCUSE AH! I called Tan just now, he say nothing much went on last nite! He said everyone was sober and you even left earlier than them!"

"No leh boss, let me explain, they-"

"YOU DONT TALK SO MUCH YOU FASTER COME WORK NOW!!" Click doooo~~~


(Boss... why not you ask me chop off my balls and go die?)



The end of the Que-pac adventure.



Btw, sorry for the delay in update. I know alot of people also wanna tiao limpek for always updating cipet slow nowadays, like gahmen worker. But Limpek and family was back in Bayan Lepas last whole week until yesterday to attend a funeral of a far relative. Home is still as nice as it used to be, and limpek is considering about relocating back to Bayan, back to roots! Since most of family members also moved back from KL already. And also limpek can transfer to the IJM developments along the coast. Dont know la, see how first.



One last thing, Goldfish Uncle NEVER condone drug usage. Really, its just quite retarded.

Exactly How Much Is Too Much?

At what point does it stop being just PR servicing and become instead, mere whoring out of oneself?

Whoaa kanineh limpek trying to sound very chim chim liddat. Nevertheless, limpek had the chance to question that last week during an outing with some very important clients.

"You need to bring these clients out and make sure they have lots of fun. WE need them on OUR side. I'll cover the fund and you just take care of entertaining them"

That was boss's exact instructions. Notice how great of a salesman he is? picking words that amsu-amsu limpek as if suddenly his project problems are now mine as well. All the 'We' and 'Ours' instead of 'I' and 'My'. Last time when limpek's own project got problem, he left limpek to eat grass myself. Knnccb this kind of bitchman.

But then again, it sounded like a good deal doesnt it? Afterall, limpek knew these hamsap clients are papaya farm addicts and what can be better than letting boss pay for everything?


This was in regards to a project limpek is involved in at K.L. It's the construction of a really exclusive condominium tower which ironically has been mostly bought up or rented by foreigners; expats and investors. It is quite impossible to expect the locals to afford these multi million ringgit little boxes in the sky. Such is the failure of Malaysia that the prosperity we always try to portray pales in comparison to the majority of us monkeys earning peanuts.

But hey, what do the fattened up pigs in Parliament or GLC developers care as long as their bellies get bigger and bigger. It is just another pre-Mandela South Africa waiting to happen. They want us to think it is our own fault, that we're probably not working hard enough or talented enough. But is it really? Are we really that worthless?

Limpek's company was lucky enough to pao a little portion of the project to be done... BUT, even luckier to go screw it up. Thanks to our ever reliable angmoh manufacturers. It's not really screwing up to the point of no return, rather its just "finished work not up to standard" (the Consultant's exact words).

To put it simply, limpek's company's finished work is really lanjiao standard. Dont know whether to laugh or cry. But for what its worth, it wasn't limpek's project but my boss's.

Basically its like this: Our job done needs to be approved by project manager and client's architect. So this job was quite fucked up but they can still close one eye and tiam tiam only. But these buggers are from a huge public listed construction company and a major developer, so they dont want to just let it go. They can sue us until our lampahci shrink, and then in turn we will have to sue our manufacturer instead. Then it will go one big round like an orgy train and end up with everyone fucked in the backside by someone.

So boss ask limpek to entertain those buggers, then later together-gether we can try to do some 'lets-all-pretend-to-rectify' wayang, so the client wont be peeing hot fire anymore. Then slowly, the client will start to accept it as it is and then everything will be fine and dandy.

One thing limpek really respect this cipet chinaman boss is he always know how to get out of trouble. No matter how fucked up the situation is, he'll figure out a sneaky solution. He is like old fat chinaman version of Michael Scofield, thinking and thinking of how to break out from prison until nose also can bleed. Well, at least riding along in his ship, he didnt require limpek to hold his pocket.






That bunch of clowns clients limpek also met many times before already at the site. Project manager, Loo, site manager, Tan and client's architect, Ang. All also 40+ already. All married with few kids as well.

That puahbai Ang is the type of site architect that cannot control his voice. He is like a broken radio, turn the volume abit and it will suddenly roar until your eardrums explode. His volume explodes for no reason wan. And also, he likes to talk loud loud 2 inches from your face. Whenever he want to talk to limpek, limpek feel like he is trying to french kiss me. Can even feel the gusts of wind from his breath hitting limpek's face, sometimes even got fish porridge smell. Then next day the face sure grow few pimples because of his high protein saliva.




The project manager, Loo, even worse. When he talk to you must sit close close wan. Then sure put his hand on your thigh. Kaninahh! Damn geli! Limpek always use this dirty tactic on xiaolongnus to pok-mong. Slowly rub their thighs make them horny abit become more wet. Mana tau this cipet Loo also do that to limpek! Limpek really become more wet. Wet with sweat!




They always talk as though like really can cheong, but limpek thought "aiya kanineh, bunch of 40+ family cinapeks... how kaulat can they be". Then Tan the site supervisor called limpek to pick them up at 4pm, limpek start to suspect something wrong liao. Wahpiang why so early wan? Tan explained that they got wives waiting at home. If party until midnite, go home will kena taruk by the wives. Then their wives will throw plates and break things. Limpek hear liao also sien, confirm this bunch of old men cannot cheong wan.

Ang lead the way and the longer we drove, the more uneasy limpek felt. Why so damn far wan? Isnt that the Cheras toll already? Kanineh then see see, batu sembilan liao. What the flying fuck is batu sembilan? Then go into some kampung area, surrounded by fucking jungle. "Tan! What the fuck?! Tekan the sakai's neh neh issit??" limpek asked Tan. "Relax brother, good things must remain hidden wan". Kaninah. Limpek feel like 16 year old schoolgirl kena bluff by hamsap boyfriend to take off bra.



Still havent reach! We had to go deeper inside somemore. Finally see got one single row of shophouse. Those old school type of shophouse with small kedai runcit, kapcai service shop and mamak shop wan. Upstairs people hang underwear with holes from one end till another end. Naked kids running around with stick guns and crazy old man talking to himself in the corner. Topping it off are the stray dogs patrolling around the area and staring cock at you. One of them even missing a leg. Limpek keep getting the sensation that the stray dog is yelling at me "KUA HAMI!? KUA LAN JIAO AR KUA!!"

For a while limpek thought maybe slip through a time portal and end up in Cambodia already. Next thing you know the underage farm girls might be walking up to you and say "me love you nong time?" "sucky sucky?" But lucky this is still Malaysia. And limpek is still no pedophile.

In the middle of the row of shophouses, limpek spotted it. Big tasteless flashing neon lights "Kelab Que-PAC" like straight out of Sungei Wang. If Tokyo neon atmosphere is pop-culture, limpek found its bastard sister.

The door downstairs is locked with grills and 2 Indian thugs with walkie-talkies serve as the 1st level bouncers. These are the kinda thugs you dont want to cross eyes with because they look like they want to slice open your belly and pull out your intestines slowly and make you eat it. Their eyes are so red that limpek thought maybe they're auditioning for Twilight.

oh sorry! limpek didnt realize that was Semi-Vellu and by all means did not intend to label him as an Indian Thug. My bad my bad.

Tan spoke to them abit, tip them abit, and they mumbled something into the walkie talkie. A woman came down that is unmistakably the 'Mami'. Mamis are not very difficult to distinguish as they always have this sneaky aura with certain darkness in their eyes. The kind of feeling our 'First Lady' also do carry.

We went up to the first floor where it became even more shady. 6-7 ahbengs with walkie-talkies hung out in a big empty floor with a plastic table and chairs strewn about. Of course to be expected there was a big altar with a BIG Guan Gong idol on it. We had to go another floor up. Apparently this was just stage 2 security.

Third floor was where all the karaoke rooms were. Slap a couple of cockroach eaten sofas, a TV and some crackling speakers, there you have it. Kampung style papaya farm. Inside our room, a friend of Ang was waiting for us. Ronald was his name.

Apparently Ronald is their resident pharmacist because as soon as limpek walked in, Dr Ronald already got his whole cabinet of 'medicine' laid out on the table.

3/4 of it limpek have no idea what the flying fuck it was. But limpek saw what were unmistakably K-powder in sachets... weed joints.... ecstacy pills... and small bottles of what looked like liquid meth.


Limpek can only think, "Kanineh liao this time."





to be continued...

next post coming very soon

Sawadeekupppp.... and cipet contractor

Tuesday morning limpek just reach office only, got a call from a contractor liao. Niaseng, limpek cigarrette also havent smoke finish, call up limpek to kaupeh kaubu. This cipet project manager, Mr. P, is from a big public listed construction company. Everytime he call, sure got no good khang thao for limpek. This chao contractor is already famous for being cibai conman already wan.

Limpek guessed correctly, really got no good khangthao. Spend 10 minutes talk cock to limpek about world cup, say cannot adjust back schedule, cannot sleep properly, body aching... kaninahhh cry father cry mother at 9.00am. Granted, limpek also understood. Even today limpek still cannot adjust back from World Cup time. Keep falling asleep after dinner at about 8pm and then wake up 3am. Straightaway jump infront TV and open computer to load betting website. Kaninah, sometimes limpek swear can even hear "GOALLL!!!" when sleeping. Really... siao liao.





But the good thing is limpek has been early to work every single day this week. Like, 30mins early! Boss also quite amazed. Limpek ownself also amazed.

Then Mr.P finally stated his actual intention... want limpek to bring him go massage in F3 near Bintang Palace. Limpek think think, nabeh, F3 where got massage wan! F3 pure chicken farm! nonononono if limpek bring you there, confirm minimum you will spend RM500 for no reason! Project also never give, spend so much for what.

So limpek told him, we just go real massage place la. F3 is for fucking only. Limpek also say body schedule still abit siao-siao, no mood for fucking at all (just an excuse la, where got such thing as no mood to fuck wan. This kind of things only happen to hairy wrinkly mid-age angmoh uncles). Mr.P abit beh song, but he also didnt push much for it, since he knows limpek is aware of his lanjiao pattern.

End up we went to some Balinese Thai massage place limpek also cant remember the name liao. Oh wait, I think the name is Balinese Thai Massage. Abit also not creative.

The place Mr. P lead one, at first he say is clean massage. Reach there nia limpek see got CCTV. Signboard small small. Kanineh, clean lanjiao la clean.

"Dont worry bout it. They do wonderful massage! Of course there's happy endings too if you like it, you know what I mean? And they massage you topless!"

Chao cibai. Kena con by this bastard P. Limpek tell you all these angmoh speaking, professional-looking, well-versed, sharply dressed midage uncles are the worst. Outside pretend like fucking Obama, inside more sleazy than Ron Jeremy. If you dont have the supplier-client kind of relationship with them, you'll never know how sickly pretentious they are. Probably husbands of those aunties who beh tahan limpek's blog. HAHAHA.

Limpek also abit tulan kena con but what to do, social slave is like that one. So off he went with the biggest nehneh Thai girl, so quickly you'd think he is having diarheaa. Limpek told the manager just one session regular massage. No stepping, no oil, no acrobatics, no whacking planes. Kanineh Tuesday noon la what you expect.

But limpek told him it'd be nice if they send the prettiest girl la. At least it'll help brighten a dead Tuesday with a pretty face.

In the room (if you can call that lampah cubicle a room) the setting is quite nice. Got proper massage bed and candles and speakers playing music. The Thai girl also really quite pretty, like, Charmaine Sheh kind of cute. But as always la, pretty girls means massage like shit wan.

Charmaine Sheh - CHIO!

Thai Charmaine : "Me take off shirt?"

Limpek: "You like lor, me on bed backwards also cannot see anything".

She took off nevertheless, limpek dont think it was a question, rather a statement.


Her massage.... wahpiang... really like shit. Feels more like some chao auntie shopping for steaks for their dirty husbands; prodding and fingering the Kobe quality marbling on limpek's back. Sometimes even feel like she is trying to make fishball on limpek's back. Nabeh, dont know what she's doing.

It was getting boring so limpek talk cock with her to pass time.

Limpek: "So where are you from?"

Thai Charmaine: "Thailand..."

Limpek: (sweat...) "Yes I know Thailand... where in Thailand?"

Thai Charmaine: "Chiang Rai"

Limpek: "Ohhh... Chiang Rai girls all pretty like you?"

Thai Charmaine: "Hehehe... yes all very pretty. You know Chiang Rai?"

Limpek: "Err.... no. But I know Haatyai!"

Thai Charmaine: "Ohhh? Naughty boy ya go Haatyaii..."

Limpek: "Heeheehee... me no naughty but Gojira very naughty"

Thai Charmaine: "Ah? hehehe..." (limpek dont think she understand)

Limpek: "Limpek also know Bangkok... many people go there bang cock, ya?"

Thai Charmaine: "Ah? hehehe..." (confirm she dont understand. Bangcock joke fail)


Thai Charmaine: "You know speak Thai?"

Limpek: "I know... Sawadee Kupppp..."

Thai Charmaine: "Ohhh hehehe veli goood... sawadee kaaa..."

Limpek: "kapkumkappp..."

Thai Charmaine: "Ohhh? hehehe goood..."

Limpek: "err... pad thai.... lard nha.... tomyum goong..."

Thai Charmaine: "Hehehehe"

Limpek: "...tom ga kai.... pad key mao...."

Thai Charmaine: "Hehe... okay.."

Limpek: "Tony jaa....bird tongchai...."

Thai Charmaine: "okay okay...." (she also beh tahan limpek liao...)


*5 mins silence...

Limpek: "You got follow news from home?"

Thai Charmaine: "Ah?"

Limpek: "You know... what happen... home... Thailand..."

Thai Charmaine: "Ohhh... yes yes..." (she really understand?)"

Limpek: "You support Abhisit or Thaksin?"

Thai Charmaine: "Aiyaaa they both no good! I support myself!"

Hahaha best answer limpek heard about this. She really does support herself. Probably along with her entire impoverish family in some hantu village... while these reds and yellows are being manipulated by big dickheads to clash and kill for them.

Limpek: "No? No red shirt? No yellow shirt?"

Thai Charmaine: "No no... All no good. Me is good. Me no shirt. Hehehehe"

Isnt she just cute? She was shirtless afterall. Topless and funny... cant get any better than that.


After the lack of conversation, limpek really fell asleep. Probably dreamt of limpek's back being eaten by fishes slowly and turned into millions of fishballs.


Being woken up by Mr. P was probably the least appealing experience ever. Open eyes only see chao contractor instead of a pretty lovely girl. Knnccb...

He excused himself to disappear into the toilet as usual during billing. Limpek took his bill...



MAHAIIIIII!!! Not only that bastard had a massage, he had TWO girls to massage him! And he added the oil + aroma theraphy package and even went the WHOLE package (sex) with one of the girls!

Kaninah wat the fuck he think this is? Dim sum sex buffet ar!??!

Lao tian ar, my money...

Tetex at Archidex

Original pic from Ooi Guan Yi

So last week was Archidex right, the biggest exhibition in Malaysia for building and construction materials. Being a chao uncle contractor it is a tradition for limpek to attend it every year. It’s not like there’s much for limpek to do over there, afterall, every year it’s just the same lanjiao things displayed in a different way.

But being a pretend-engineer / fake specialist limpek at least have to act interested and go look see look see. What? You think there are actually real ‘specialists’ in Malaysia? Why you think so many structures collapse or leak over time? Why for every little project there’s a ton of foreign consultants?

roof can collapse

Malls can burn

Though it helps in Malaysian Tourism... Good spots for cam-whoring

So must always invite limpek's favorite sexy ahlian blogger...

Mamat Zaki Construction Cheat One™

And yet Najib wants to develop nuclear reactor technology. Hohseh... limpek think can say goodbye Malaysia, Singapore, Thailand, Indonesia liao. We shall toast to our colorful future of multiple limb babies and Gojiras crawling about in our drains. Ya, the real Godzillas... not the sexciting batangs. It shall truly be 1southeastasia.... Maybe Rosmah can be queen just because of the sheer size of her head.

Oh, sorry, lets get back to topic before limpek attract too much ISA attention. Sorry gahmen and readers, those were all just lies. No foreign con-sultans, no redundant projects, no nukes and definitely no Rosmah deformed head. She’s as pretty as can be. (limpek just puked a little in my mouth).

Every year limpek will bring this bunch of lazy useless gahmen engineers and consultants to the exhibition. Its not like they’re really interested also, but mention a free day off-office and the free bollocks that they give out in these exhibition, there’s no way these leeches can resist. Throw in a free lunch and they’ll all scramble into your car and maybe even ride on your roof.

Why aren’t they interested? Because these gahmen engineers and their gahmen projects are usually sub-out to private companies anyway. Yet they still need to hire hordes of employees to do nothing but tickle each others’ testicles. Take a wild guess who’s really paying for these testicle tickling sessions? That’s right. But unfortunately it is important to limpek that these projects go back to limpek’s company. Of course, our company being competent or not is the least of concern in these lands. As long as limpek keep massaging their testicles, my building roof can collapse and be featured on the frontpage news it wouldnt even matter. The company can still be awarded to build the national palace next.

TTS... a favorite past-time among Gahmen Works Dept.

So limpek took the usual suspects from their offices and brought them straight to the expo. Barely even an hour into the expo they were already whining about lunch-time and being hungry. Sure, limpek think, while you’re at it why not take my keys and wallet, go drive off and do some shopping. Heck wanna move into my house and sleep on my bed as well?

Limpek took them to a lavish restaurant, and spent them lunch (as usual). The most annoying thing is there’s NEVER any thank yous or indication of appreciation after. They have mastered the act as though it is the most natural thing for me to do (to spend them) like limpek OWES it to them. Sick puahbais.

There is one engineer, a female Malay girl at her early thirties (32-34?), that had always had a thing for limpek. Granted limpek have to pretend like the most charming and generous contractor whenever infront of her & company but for some weird reasons she gets super horny around limpek. Limpek wont deny its kinda flattering, but she’s not like Siti Nurhaliza (younger days) hot or Mizz Nina sexy. She’s kinda… typical looking.

She’s short (barely reach limpek's shoulders) with big eyes and big lips. A little meaty but she has megagantic boobs spilling out all over even with the traditional ‘baju kurung’ Malay gear. Meaty is kinda good... Limpek have no complains for skinny 'raisins on the wall' or meaty 'bah kut teh'... but you know lah what they say, san san jit ki kut, kang hoo kua beh chut. (thin thin one bone, kungfu cannot see) (direct translation fail).

Lina is her name. She doesn’t read blogs (hopefully limpek’s right). Whenever limpek stop by their office or take them out to lunch or dinner, Lina will flirt shameless with limpek. Joking about things like Chinese dick size being small and asking limpek to show her just to prove Gojira…. Or things like claiming she can make limpek shoot 10meters away and strike the walls on the opposite side of her desk. Yeah, shameless flirtings like that even when the other colleagues are around. Usually limpek will be on PR mode and just flirt back harmlessly to keep them happy.

But that day was different. For some reason Lina was being incredibly extra horny. From the moment limpek picked them up, she talked about nothing but sex and lanjiaos! On and on she's going about sex positions la... SM la... tittyjobs la... inserting weird objects la... niaseng even Yu Kym would be embarassed.

In the expo she took limpek’s hand and kepit between her boobs to walk around the exhibition. Limpek had to weasel every way to rescue my arm back. Kanineh! Sibeh beh hiao pai seh! In the car she complained about being tired and started moaning as though she’s having sex. At first everyone thought she was just being funny and laughed it off. But after 15 mins of that shit everyone also realize this siaocharboh ki-hiao until ki-siao liao.

And then she insisted that limpek drop off everyone first, then send her straight home. Way off limpek’s direction! Kaninah, at that point limpek also can sense some bad fengshui coming liao.

Then she started fondling Gojira. WTF!!! There we were, stuck in traffic in the middle of K.L, and this crazy Malay girl in tudung and baju kurung has her hand inside limpek’s pants. Playing with Gojira. Siao liao siao liao...

Of course Gojira couldn’t wait to wake up and roar. Limpek also quite bengang, ask her “ehhh jahat ar you…. What you trying to do! Public ni, Lina!”

She replied, “Want to check your so-called Godzilla mahhh… you kan selalu mengada-ngada tu... Wahhh, wake up already! Somemore want to pretend shy?”

Have to shamefully admit… limpek was quite song that time. Getting a handjob in the middle of town with so many people around us, from a crazy nympho tudung stranger.

Here’s where limpek try to justify myself. Limpek is single, Lina is single, so there’s no hurting anybody. Lina is horny, and if she continues what shes doing, limpek will be horny too. Lina is a high-positioned engineer that can do A LOT of favors for limpek.

Okay. Cibai liao. The excuses doesn’t even sound convincing anymore, does it?

Reach her place already Lina asked limpek “come up and chill la, I live alone, and this place is safe”.

Kanineh. Safe for you la of course. Not safe for Gojira mah.

Wait. Safe? Oh right. JAIS (Islamic religious officers) might just jump our asses and catch us for breaking the close-proximity law. Yes, it’s a ‘crime’ for Muslims in Malaysia to be in close quarters alone in close proximity with the opposite sex. And they can be forced to get married. ‘Khalwat’ is what they call it. But good news for limpek, being Chinese this doesn’t apply to me. Nevertheless she can still get in trouble.

Limpek was thinking, ‘lanjiao la come up chill… come up means today no need exercise already, waist and knee will be tired.’

But Gojira already led limpek halfway up the stairs already HAHAHA.

- fast forwarded -

The sex was pretty disappointing. No BJs, massages, tease or anything. Another dead fish on the bed, expecting limpek to go thru karma sutra myself. The only interesting part was because she's only the second Malay girl limpek has had sex with (non-working girl la, I mean), and the first one who wears a tudung. Limpek asked her to keep her tudung and baju kurung on, because limpek always had a thing for costumes.

Well, tudung and baju kurung arent exactly costumes, but cincai la. Costumes/uniforms are always the best. Limpek had tried nurse, frenchmaid, witch, cheongsam and kimono before with the exs, and it had always been fun. Limpek had always wanted to do it with a girl in tudung, something about barley dangling on the hood of the scart is just exciting. Yes la, sick la, limpek know la.

See what limpek mean?

But... dont end up with this...

But Lina didnt let limpek fire an Olympic load on the tudung. So... no barley on the hood. (sounds like a rap song)

You know that post-orgasm reflections that one always get after sex?

Well... this time around, a sort of cloudy kinda regret is all limpek felt.

Limpek wonder what's wrong...

All, I know is, it just kinda felt like this...

Perhaps they were right...

Casual meaningless sex eats at you slowly over time...

By the time you realize it, there won't be much of you left.

A Goldfish Blog Tech Support Director Named Seefatt Chang

By now it should be quite obvious that when it comes to hi-tech or fancy things computers can do, limpek is completely kanasai. Granted, limpek know how to use photoshop because last time always edit friends' pictures to make them naked and fuck animals, and then send the pics to their girlfriends. Besides, limpek had a girlfriend last time always asking to help edit her pics. "Make me pweetty! Make me pweeettyy!" she'd say. Limpek also find that adorable.

After limpek help edit her eyes big big, nose sharp sharp, face oval, lips like sausage, boobs add 2 cup sizes then she will be sibeh happy. Sometimes can even get free blowjobs (the type that wont kena trap to return favors wan). Its a very good deal isnt it? Photoshop = Blowjob. Like the Food = Work scam. So limpek's photoshop can consider mai hiam beh pai.

But when it comes to blogging and all the tools limpek see on other blogs, limpek see liao also tao hin hin. Limpek always feel as though HTML = Hi-Tech mat lan? So limpek just stick with the simple things I know, compose and publish. And try not to accidentally click on other buttons.

Well the reason limpek mention this is because limpek had actually always kept a secret weapon for the blog. Goldfishuncle website actually has special tech-support headed by one Mr. Seefatt Chang (or Chang Backside). Seefatt works for a very tualiap international company as some big time head in tech department. The reason we call him Seefatt Chang is because he's 35 years old and we suspect he's still a virgin. So we then further suspect maybe he's just into playing male backside but too afraid to come out closet. What else can you suspect on a decent looking 35 year old virgin atheist pulling 10k per month?

Besides, his name really sounds like backside.

Seefatt Chang is the bestest geek among all limpek's friends. So when it comes to hi-tech or computer stuff, limpek really cant think of anyone else. In fact, if not for Seefatt Chang limpek would never have this blog going. Everything computer related also limpek ask him,

"Seeefattttt!! blue screen leh wtf!!!"

"Seefatt Chang!! why my computer keep auto-shutdown?!"

"Seeeefaatttt! why cannot open Gutter uncensored site!?!"

"Seefattlou, how to download pirate photoshop!!?"

"Seeefatt Chang, why all my files disappear?!"

and all these he will sort out for limpek and try to explain to limpek although very much in vain. Then theres the times he helped out with the blog...

"Seefattlou, limpek want to start blog la... how ar?"

"Go to blogspot.com... set up account first, read the tutorial and follow, very obvious wan..."
*Click dooo.... (Seefattt has the phone hanging up skills too)



"Seefatttttt, how come limpek blog entry save liao nothing come out?! Cannot be, limpek's skill sure anything can come out!! Must whack harder?"

"Gimme your username, password..."

"Ehhh...later you go in my email and send my sextape to gutter uncensored how?"

"Change password now la"

"Ohh..ok..."

after 3 mins

"You stupid cibai, why you type in 'HTML'?"

"Tee e-mail? why would I type letter to Tee e-mail?"

"H-T-M-L! Nvm... you see the button next to title, there's 'Edit HTML' and another 'Compose'?"

"Ohh ok ok i see..."

"You type your entry in Compose la! Not HTML! HTML is for code! To write scripts! The 'compose' is an efficient program to let you write in simple forms and it will automatically translate it into html code. At the end, you need to publish, not just save the post! In other words, you publish your HTML code!"

"......."

"understand boh?"

"....wear...coat?"

"nvm, just type in 'compose' and then publish"

*Click doooo......



"Seefattchangggg, eh limpek want to have a sub-page at the side ar, to do movie reviews wan. How ar?"

"What the fuck you mean? What side review page?"

"Nehh... like a tab at the side bar right, to lead to another page where limpek does movie reviews"

"You watch alot of movies meh?"

"Ya la kanineh, limpek's pirate DVD collection more than your porn collection man!"

"Impossible. I have 60GB of porn in a dedicated harddrive."

".... "

".... "

"... gayporn?"

*Click Dooo....

after calling back

"Oi Seefatt! dont like that! How to do the subpage?"

"I dont understand how you want it la. Tell you what, you go look around other blogs if you see something like what you want, send me the link. Then I'll write the script for you"

"Ok chio! I think I saw before in Xiaxue's blog!"

*Click Doooo...

(Turns out XX's blog dont have. Until now still havent find what limpek wanted, thats why the pirate dvd review tab is still so kanasai)



"Seefattguai! Limpek want to run polls in blog... how ar?"

"Walaoeh brother, why you so dinasour? Click on customize, add a tab at the side, there's already pre-set poll programs by blogspot mahhh..."

"No no no, limpek want the poll inside the post entry!"

"Ohh... no problem. Just go to Micropolls.com. Sign up account, create your poll, copy the code, paste on your Edit HTML"

"....Arr? coat? hi tech mat lan again?"

"Sigh. Ok you create account first"

"Ok done"

"Now log into Micropolls and create your poll. Then copy the code"

"Okay... done! You said, copy hami coat ar?"

"The poll, after you set it up, can convert it into a script, a code!"

"..... hami ar?"

"Gimme your username password."

"Aimeh? What if later you go find my sextape and post it in gutter uncensored?"

"Sigh. Change your password then."

"Ohh okay"

after that Seefatt created the poll for limpek, convert it into a code, logged into limpek's blogger account, edit limpek's post, put the code there, and publish it for limpek. Wahpiang! This is what you call Class A Sibeh Steady Pompipi Tech Support even Microsoft cannot offer!

After that Seefatt taught limpek how to post the poll step by step, so limpek now like poll expert, sibeh hua hee. Feels like the first caveman who discovered fire, want to shout in glory "FIRE!! FIRE!! HOO HAA HOO HA!!" and then go burn down all the cavewomen's leaf skirts. So thats why lately you see alot of polls in limpek's entry and limpek intend to keep posting polls until discovering the next fancy tool!


Here's the first chance to use it. Last week after the suey post limpek got alot of feedbacks from friends regarding their own recent suey-siao-ness.


Weeman: My hair-loss problem recently became worse. I have to upgrade to taking this medicine thing that actually messes with my hormones. It drastically reduces my testosterone, so its almost like cutting my balls off. So, for the sake of more hair, I have to sacrifice my libido. Limpeh only 29 fucking years old. But Soi Lek twice my age also twice more hamsap than me. Later when I get more hair, finally get a girlfriend, want to fuck that time suddenly gugujiao cannot stand... HOW!? Ask her to play with my hair whole night?! U tell limpeh la!

Compensating for what's no longer there with something that's finally there.

Dumbo: Two weeks ago I go Cham'pain' KTV near Imbi with clients. Then order the nasilemak girl. That time very drunk and high already so she ask me go toilet 'kongket'. She wanted to blow me, but that place the nasilemak girls not so clean based on feedback so I dont dare let her suck. Then she somemore keep grabbing my penis until my balls want to explode already. So of course I beh tahan, taruk her kuat-kuat in the toilet la. Wear condom la of course, cleanliness always first mah. Wah she is like an animal like that so wild, so limpek also become animal lagi wild. Finally after I shoot one Olympic load, I pull out and what I see?

piaaakkkkk....

What? Don't get it?

Okay fine since your thinking so 'kan dan limpek will borrow children's cartoon to explain in very kan dan way.

what happens when condom breakage test got no ISO.

I straightaway cannot stand properly. Feel like want to faint. Go home I scrub my penis with Listerine, wahlao! sibeh pain brother, you know!? Next day straight away go hospital medical checkup. Wah knnccb if limpek kena infect anything....si liao si liao... i really can go die liao. Then the doctor told me after 3 months only can confirm got HIV anot. Wahlaoehh Lao Tien ar!!! This lately the wife keep on wanting to fuck, limpek suddenly insist use condom. I think she also start to get suspicious! Until limpek have to give excuse say the condom makes me less sensitive so can last longer. Wah cibai end up everytime have to tahan 10 mins longer! LAO TIEN ARRR!!!!





Cliffard: In World Cup so far, limpeh lost RM100k already. Yesterday, wife ask me, dear, when are you buying my car? wait very long already. I almost want to cry and tell her, dear, the bookie take all our money already.






The entry is dedicated to limpek's great tech-support Mr. Seefatt Chang for being the best geek ever! Regardless if you're into gayporn! May you finally get laid this year and receive an ang pow for opening ceremony. You can leave your email contact on the comments, who knows maybe some passerby loves popping geeky cherry. Or else you can take limpek's offer and pop it with awesome xiaolongnu!