Sun was shining, sky was blue, gentle breeze caressing your skin, tall palm trees line the golden sandy beach where beyond, the clear blue ocean sparkled. Life, as perfect as a dream... Then, lo and behold, God farted, and shit splattered. Blasphemy! she shouted. Revelation... i whispered.
A nong nong time ago, Grandpa had a Vespa that he used to round the plantation estate with. It was one of those old things that looked like it came straight from World War II. Most of the time, Vespa was dumped in the tooldshed, keeping itself from everybody's way.
But to a 16 year old punk like me (yes, limpek was once 16 too...), it was the One Piece, the ultimate treasure. Whenever I lay eyes on it, it felt like I could be like this...
That's right.
As cool as Rossi.
So without my dad's knowledge, but with Grandpa's permission (Grandpa was always nice to us), I secretly took Vespa to ride to school whenever I could.
School back then in these small kampungs are always so damn far away, so mom was quite happy that she doesn't have to drive me there anymore. Besides, small kampung roads are empty most of the time so it's safe as well.
Boy, did I felt like Rossi in those times...
All the cool boys rode bikes to school back then in the kampung, and limpek also felt so cool that my nipples could cut glass.
Everything to make it as a cool cat, limpek had it all going.
Motorbike. Check.
Square-top hair. Check.
Fake Clip-On Gold Earings. Check.
Unbutton School Shirt. Check.
Plastic Pasar Malam Sunglasses. Check.
Super Baggy Ugly Green Schoolpants Check.
Blowing Smoke Rings with Ciggies. Check.
Limpek felt like all the girls in the kampung will drench their panties if I ever pass by them in my Vespa.
But there was this one girl, that limpek had a major crush on. Pei Ting was her name...
She was the same age, from the neighboring girl school. Limpek always wanted to but never found the balls to talk to her. But limpek knew she always waited at the same bus-stop sharp at 6.45pm every evening.
So finally one day, limpek decided to try and impress her with the Vespa. Limpek imagine myself as Rossi (although nobody had even heard of Rossi then), and Pei Ting was the sexy flag-girl.
'Yes, it's gonna be perfectly cool like that!' that was all limpek could think of.
So limpek flew the Vespa in really close, and for the corner just ahead of the bus-stop limpek had a grand idea.
The great Racer Lean.
For a second there, limpek felt like the Great Spirit of Rossi possessed limpek's body.
limpek felt, like this...
But of course, like what musicians always sing about, "Life isn't always how you want it to be"
The musicians however, failed to mention how different it would be.
But like Yus from the tale before this, pride only comes AFTER a man's fall.
Hey, especially if your one favorite girl is looking, right? You would've done the same.
As I collect the poor Vespa up to stumble away, trying my best to walk straight, a silver lining did appear in the cloud.
Am I okay?
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我们不是東亞病夫!!!
Note to self:
She talked to me!
Actually limpek could not turn around because the fattened blueblack face streaming with tears and dirt is totally uncool... Un-Rossi.... beh sai...beh sai...
The hardest butt caning I ever received from Dad that night.
When I saw the way Grandpa looked at the broken Vespa that night, I made a vow never to break his heart like that ever again.
So limpek just returned from being stationed at Kuala Kraito check on some site. Limpek will buy you a beer if you had actually been to Kuala Krai. It's like time-travelling to the past for a week. Thank god they have good Todi there.
Boss sent limpek there just because he want limpek to check on his stupid brat son. His son, typical spoiled brat of rich daddy, usually has one way or another to fuck up our projects. So limpek have to wipe their family's ass. Stupid puahbais.
But this project was actually going alright. The only problem is this HUGE FAT Safety Officer called Ganesh. He is SO HUGE that he couldnt really fit in the site temporary toilet, so he takes his crap in the bushes at the jungle. HAHAHA. Everytime he steps on the steel scaffolding, limpek had to hold my breath and pray it doesnt break.
This Ganesh likes to give us shit about safety. Climb 1 floor also must wear full safety equipment. Alot of work cannot be done with scaffolding, must use skylift. Cigarrette cannot simply smoke. Alot of shit lah basically. Its hampering with work and delaying handover, whatmore with the constant rain nowadays.
So limpek told Spoiled Brat two weeks ago to bribe Ganesh. We gave Spoiled Brat RM1500. But Spoiled Brat only gave him RM800. (That is like our government projects, past every level got tax wan kanineh!). After that Ganesh stopped bothering our workers so much. But you can feel he still beh syok on the small small safety issues wan. He will keep looking and looking like beh tahan, waiting to explode and scream at the workers. Limpek think Ganesh got obsessive compulsive disorder. Siao wan.
So on second day there, limpek was doing site-walk with Spoiled Brat. As usual, everything seems to be going well. At one end, Spoiled Brat looked up and limpek follow to see what he was looking at.
Two Indon workers were on the steel scaffolding, about two floors above ground. They were supposed to be lining cables. Two floors really isnt that high and for a quick job usually safety harness is neglected. Then these two monkeys started messing around...
It was actually quite a hard jab
The guy (Yus) was obviously pissed.
The other guy was as quick as Ip Man.
Who would've thought...
A smooth fall, it was not... Extension planks broke his fall. Twice... And finally...
Limpek look over and Spoiled Brat was looking like this...
Although limpek wasnt sure if he was more freaked out about Yus's injury...
OR this guy who's ALWAYS nearby
But Yus knew about Ganesh (heck, the entire site does). And a hero always think about the team first.
Right away he bounced back up. You'd think he only fell from a bicycle. Except his leg was kinda pointing at a very, very wrong angle.
And then he wasn't exactly convincing...
Ganesh might not have seen how far up Yus came falling from. He just stared really hard, as though he's about to eat someone. The other guy quickly came down to help carry Yus to the medical room, before Ganesh explodes.
Two floors isnt all that high... but its not all that low to fall from as well. Yus fell like a meatsack and yet, he's still standing! What on earth is this guy made of?!
Tuesday morning limpek just reach office only, got a call from a contractor liao. Niaseng, limpek cigarrette also havent smoke finish, call up limpek to kaupeh kaubu. This cipet project manager, Mr. P, is from a big public listed construction company. Everytime he call, sure got no good khang thao for limpek. This chao contractor is already famous for being cibai conman already wan.
Limpek guessed correctly, really got no good khangthao. Spend 10 minutes talk cock to limpek about world cup, say cannot adjust back schedule, cannot sleep properly, body aching... kaninahhh cry father cry mother at 9.00am. Granted, limpek also understood. Even today limpek still cannot adjust back from World Cup time. Keep falling asleep after dinner at about 8pm and then wake up 3am. Straightaway jump infront TV and open computer to load betting website. Kaninah, sometimes limpek swear can even hear "GOALLL!!!" when sleeping. Really... siao liao.
But the good thing is limpek has been early to work every single day this week. Like, 30mins early! Boss also quite amazed. Limpek ownself also amazed.
Then Mr.P finally stated his actual intention... want limpek to bring him go massage in F3 near Bintang Palace. Limpek think think, nabeh, F3 where got massage wan! F3 pure chicken farm! nonononono if limpek bring you there, confirm minimum you will spend RM500 for no reason! Project also never give, spend so much for what.
So limpek told him, we just go real massage place la. F3 is for fucking only. Limpek also say body schedule still abit siao-siao, no mood for fucking at all (just an excuse la, where got such thing as no mood to fuck wan. This kind of things only happen to hairy wrinkly mid-age angmoh uncles). Mr.P abit beh song, but he also didnt push much for it, since he knows limpek is aware of his lanjiao pattern.
End up we went to some Balinese Thai massage place limpek also cant remember the name liao. Oh wait, I think the name is Balinese Thai Massage. Abit also not creative.
The place Mr. P lead one, at first he say is clean massage. Reach there nia limpek see got CCTV. Signboard small small. Kanineh, clean lanjiao la clean.
"Dont worry bout it. They do wonderful massage! Of course there's happy endings too if you like it, you know what I mean? And they massage you topless!"
Chao cibai. Kena con by this bastard P. Limpek tell you all these angmoh speaking, professional-looking, well-versed, sharply dressed midage uncles are the worst. Outside pretend like fucking Obama, inside more sleazy than Ron Jeremy. If you dont have the supplier-client kind of relationship with them, you'll never know how sickly pretentious they are. Probably husbands of those aunties who beh tahan limpek's blog. HAHAHA.
Limpek also abit tulan kena con but what to do, social slave is like that one. So off he went with the biggest nehneh Thai girl, so quickly you'd think he is having diarheaa. Limpek told the manager just one session regular massage. No stepping, no oil, no acrobatics, no whacking planes. Kanineh Tuesday noon la what you expect.
But limpek told him it'd be nice if they send the prettiest girl la. At least it'll help brighten a dead Tuesday with a pretty face.
In the room (if you can call that lampah cubicle a room) the setting is quite nice. Got proper massage bed and candles and speakers playing music. The Thai girl also really quite pretty, like, Charmaine Sheh kind of cute. But as always la, pretty girls means massage like shit wan.
Charmaine Sheh - CHIO!
Thai Charmaine : "Me take off shirt?"
Limpek: "You like lor, me on bed backwards also cannot see anything".
She took off nevertheless, limpek dont think it was a question, rather a statement.
Her massage.... wahpiang... really like shit. Feels more like some chao auntie shopping for steaks for their dirty husbands; prodding and fingering the Kobe quality marbling on limpek's back. Sometimes even feel like she is trying to make fishball on limpek's back. Nabeh, dont know what she's doing.
It was getting boring so limpek talk cock with her to pass time.
Limpek: "So where are you from?"
Thai Charmaine: "Thailand..."
Limpek: (sweat...) "Yes I know Thailand... where in Thailand?"
Thai Charmaine: "Chiang Rai"
Limpek: "Ohhh... Chiang Rai girls all pretty like you?"
Thai Charmaine: "Hehehe... yes all very pretty. You know Chiang Rai?"
Limpek: "Err.... no. But I know Haatyai!"
Thai Charmaine: "Ohhh? Naughty boy ya go Haatyaii..."
Limpek: "Heeheehee... me no naughty but Gojira very naughty"
Thai Charmaine: "Ah? hehehe..."(limpek dont think she understand)
Limpek: "Limpek also know Bangkok... many people go there bang cock, ya?"
Thai Charmaine: "Ah? hehehe..." (confirm she dont understand. Bangcock joke fail)
Thai Charmaine: "You know speak Thai?"
Limpek: "I know... Sawadee Kupppp..."
Thai Charmaine: "Ohhh hehehe veli goood... sawadee kaaa..."
Limpek: "kapkumkappp..."
Thai Charmaine: "Ohhh? hehehe goood..."
Limpek: "err... pad thai.... lard nha.... tomyum goong..."
Thai Charmaine: "Hehehehe"
Limpek: "...tom ga kai.... pad key mao...."
Thai Charmaine: "Hehe... okay.."
Limpek: "Tony jaa....bird tongchai...."
Thai Charmaine: "okay okay...." (she also beh tahan limpek liao...)
*5 mins silence...
Limpek: "You got follow news from home?"
Thai Charmaine: "Ah?"
Limpek: "You know... what happen... home... Thailand..."
Thai Charmaine: "Aiyaaa they both no good! I support myself!"
Hahaha best answer limpek heard about this. She really does support herself. Probably along with her entire impoverish family in some hantu village... while these reds and yellows are being manipulated by big dickheads to clash and kill for them.
Limpek: "No? No red shirt? No yellow shirt?"
Thai Charmaine: "No no... All no good. Me is good. Me no shirt. Hehehehe"
Isnt she just cute? She was shirtless afterall. Topless and funny... cant get any better than that.
After the lack of conversation, limpek really fell asleep. Probably dreamt of limpek's back being eaten by fishes slowly and turned into millions of fishballs.
Being woken up by Mr. P was probably the least appealing experience ever. Open eyes only see chao contractor instead of a pretty lovely girl. Knnccb...
He excused himself to disappear into the toilet as usual during billing. Limpek took his bill...
MAHAIIIIII!!! Not only that bastard had a massage, he had TWO girls to massage him! And he added the oil + aroma theraphy package and even went the WHOLE package (sex) with one of the girls!
Kaninah wat the fuck he think this is? Dim sum sex buffet ar!??!
Some rich senile old men arranged to have the most 'exciting' football match ever...
Die Mannschaft
VS
ONE11MALAYSIANS
That's right, you better be excited. ...
And no, that guy there is not the Ramly burger seller at the corner of your neighborhood.
Football Association of Malaysia (FAM) says "... we believe this exposure will cultivate the young talents of Malaysian footballers. Some of whom we personally believe are good enough to be playing in the international field. We are certain from this experience and media coverage, renowned clubs like Chelsea, Barcelona, Intermilan, etc will be swarming to sign in our local talents. We feel that this is the best decision we've ever made in the interest of football fans worldwide and the Malaysian nation."
And then they went on to say "... after studying the formation and strategies that Joachim employs for the German team, we have rather high confidence that the Malaysian team will emerge the winner. By employing quick long-ball tactics, we are certain in gaining the upper hand and win the German team. The real question is, winning by how many goals."
not that limpek didnt wanna listen to the previous poll, but the results were too spread out (and besides, limpek really love the Brazilian team.) minus cibai filipe melo
after watching all the teams play in this World Cup, limpek still think... they were the best
Limpek was in the Standard Chartered KL Marathon last week. Between training for that and betting and watching the World Cup 16s to final eights, there hardly had been any time to write at all. Plus limpek is still in a limbo over the decision on whether to leave this company or not. Once again, life is full of fhan nao. My apologies for the slow update. However much limpek wish to have all the time in the world to write, sometimes life just doesnt work out the way you want it to.
The Stanchart Marathon was a blast. Limpek really had lots of fun despite the disappointing outcome. With 17500 runners, it was expected to be a success. Limpek only ran in the 10km race although abit beh song cause alot of auntie-uncles, kids and teens also can run the 42km or 21km race. Heck, if tuapui Kenny Sia can run 42km, limpek dont see why limpek's sexy fit and steady body cannot do the same distance in half his time. Thanks to all the cibai ciggarettes and beer, make limpek slowly become fat pua pi kia.
Limpek only managed to log 52 minutes. Ranking also cannot get into top 50. Puahbai. Way off the target of 45 minutes. The 1st place runner only 30+ minutes. Kaninah during the last 3/4 of the race, limpek already saw them running towards the finish line. See liao also beh kam muan.
Worst of all, limpek lost to a good friend from Singapore. We call him G.I Joe. Although G.I Joe was once involved in the elite military force oversea, these few years he had been pretty much drinking his liver away. The last time limpek go club with him, he alone can finish 2 bottles of whiskey. Kaninah... sibeh sampat this kind of guy. 2 litres of whiskey still can stand oon-oon. Limpek 1 bottle also can feel the gugujiao shrink into caterpillar size already. Own mother also probably cannot recognize.
G.I Joe clocked in 50 minutes. Season runners will know that 2 minutes difference is like heaven and earth. Heck, in that 2 minutes, G.I Joe can finish cooking ramen while waiting for limpek to arrive.
First km usually very hard to run properly because all the auntie uncles will be blocking your way. Thousands of them, so you have to run zig-zag like playing PacMan. So at the first km, limpek try to sneak past them unnoticed from the far side, so they wont even know limpek long gone already. It worked with most of them, Cliffard, Tobby, Tiong Beng, Weeman and neighbor Sean all didnt see. But this blardy G.I Joe saw me and quickly chase. First km he past by limpek, and the very next time limpek saw him was at finish line already. Kanineh. Puahbai!
But at least still beat the rest of the chikopeks. Most of them run like old aunties with menopause, might as well just walk. Sibeh lau kui... hahaha! But okaylah, out of thousands of runners, at least they still maintain under top 100.
The track was around KL, with pretty good scenery. There was a lot of chio gers also! Limpek thought marathon all will be aunties like Chew Mei Fun type, only know how to walk and pok-pek-pok-pek, but turns out alot of fit fit young gers. Seeing them in their tight tops and sports bra, and their butts keat-keat carved out by the spandex, Limpek was very scared Gojira will suddenly wake up. Kanineh, can you imagine, run halfway Gojira stretch out far far, wahpiang, it will be like running and swinging a golf stick at the same time.
So limpek tried to focus instead on one very keat old uncle infront of limpek. The old keat uncle also got very kaulat butt actually. But Gojira doesnt get amused with uncles.
Limpek run until song-song already around 6km suddenly see got high-school cheerleaders at the roadside giving motivation. They jump-jump like sibeh happy, the nehneh also bounce-bounce like sibeh steady. Its like swinging tao-foo in thin plastic bags. Kaninaaa... limpek have to quickly pry my eyes off. If not limpek will automatically run towards them instead. Straightaway limpek have to parking Gojira again just in case he ki-hiao and decide to stretch. Limpek re-parking to 12 o'clock, so even if he stretch out to guailan, its still hidden under shirt. Blardy cheerleaders... sabo limpek.
Kilometer 7, wah cibai go up hill all the way. Limpek also didnt expect got steep hill wan. At halfway limpek really boh-ki already, wanted to take out ciggarette and sit by the roadside. Then can smoke there and look at the nice view of KL from hilltop. Wahaha sibeh enjoy sia...
This fat uncle sibeh ho-seh
Then limpek remember didnt bring ciggarette... exactly because to avoid moments like this! Kanineh boh huat, go back to running lor.
At kilometer 8.5, limpek's black lungs already pumping and puffing overheated liao. Feels like the tar on the lung also going to disattach itself. Kaninah the music on ipod also one loop already, meaning running late thanks to the stupid hill. Limpek was trying to cope with the situation, suddenly hear loud breathing like Japanese porno coming towards nearer and nearer.
Zoom! Suddenly see cipet brother Cliffard run pass limpek! Somemore he give the gugujiao look, like sibeh guai-lan, and purposely swing-swing his shoulders like dancing Cha Cha. Wah kanineh that kind of face you see also want to whack!
I know you are staring at the wrong places...
then who would've thought...
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Turns out his last burst of nitrous actually empty tank already wan (apart from him being distracted by some flashing sports panties). By 9km limpek was already right behind his ass. He noticed limpek close up already, tried to fire up a few more times with big steps. Wahaha but limpek see no difference also... he become like those modified Kancil with exhaust pipe as big as your leg - sibeh fucking loud but the car cannot move.
So limpek follow his slow pace to save up energy. Then by 9.5km, limpek's turn to tekan nitrous. Limpek zoom passed him and gave him back the Cha-Cha shoulders. HAHAHA. He probably end up frustrated at the back, running with tears streaming down like the Japanese football team. Thanks to hot pink skirt runner!
Reach finish line liao limpek see puahbai G.I Joe already there. Somemore purposely standing there acting bored with extra cup of 100plus for limpek. Sweat also dry already.
kaaannnineeehhhhhhh tulan....
so limpek quickly go get an extra cup of 100plus, stand there pretend to look bored and wait for Cliffard.
HAHAHA.
The beh song look on his face at that exact moment is worth the whole 10km torture. Then Cliffard also boh kam muan go and get extra cup of 100plus and wait for the next chikopek to arrive.
But wait punya wait, neighbor Sean also didnt arrive. Limpek we all wait until sien.
Then suddenly heard a familiar voice behind us...
PUAHBAI!! Hahaha! He really think we all blurfuck like sotong. He purposely go one big round around us to the water stands and then come up behind us. Then pretend to have been there for a long time waiting for us already.
But nabeh we see him still panting like just kena chased by dog, and the shirt was completely drenched with sweat. Straightaway know he just arrived. Sean, got timer wan la, you gong cipet!
p/s: End of this month, limpek will be running for the BHP Orange Run around Damansara Curve 11km. Besides that, limpek will be joining the next Standard Chartered Marathon in Singapore! Sounds like alot of fun.
My condolences to friends and families of the runner who passed away from the KL marathon, may he rest in peace.
Also, here's a bet limpek cant make up my mind. Many guys think Holland hasnt rise up to their full potential and if they do tonight, Brazil will be in trouble (especially if Brazil give ball somemore). But from the matches limpek watched so far, Holland play so-so only compare to Brazil sibeh power kaulat. But Brazil will be without Ramires & Elano which is a big deal. All limpek's chikopek friends will be betting on Holland eat ball, but limpek really cant make up my mind. Also, limpek just want to put poll again. So, limpek will bet depending on the poll la okay, thanks
Limpek just wanted to share a funny conversation that limpek heard on air last saturday. It was Hitz FM, JJ and Ean were taking calls from public regarding the most embarrassing things caller's parents had exposed to the caller's friends. There were a bunch of boring lame stories like getting chased by turkey or whatever at the begining, and limpek almost wanted to switch channels already.
Then this guy, Vijay, called. Limpek will try to relate the whole conversation to you but bear in mind it was a couple of days ago so details might be slightly off.
According to JJ and Ean, Vijay was 40. So they were quite excited assuming that a guy that age must've had something good to tell. Limpek was only half paying attention that time because these DJs tend to go on and on about things sometimes.
This is a family-friendly radio station
Vijay : When I was a little boy, about 3-4 years old, my mother used to bathe me. Apparently I was very sensitive to temperature changes, and whenever it gets a little hotter or colder, my -BEEP- will be standing straight up.
JJ & Ean: HAHAHAH
Vijay: Ya, and my mother will tell all my friends about this...
JJ: HAHHAHAHA
Ean: Dude, your mom talks about that kinda stuff, that's just creepy dude!
Vijay: Ya, so whenever my -BEEP- kena cold or hot water, it will go straight up. And it will actually be standing for a very long time. Apparently It was very sensitve. That's what my mother will say.
JJ & Ean: WAAHAHAHAHA
Vijay: But nowadays... it's just not as sensitive as before. (*caught a slight note of sadness there)
JJ & Ean: WAHAHAHAHA (these buggers just kept laughing only)
Ean: Dude, dude! Did your mom tell everyone this story on your wedding day?
Vijay: Ya.... That is exactly why my wife decided to marry me that day
HAHAHAHA. Vijay is the hero of the day. Someone with that kind of wit and humor should be a DJ.
Anyway, last week limpek posted about a very suey day and actually receive a few mails from readers and feedbacks from friends regarding their even more suey days. Limpek will try to get those posted up soon because they were really sibeh funny. Hearing about others suey-siaoness is always relieving for both sides so that life doesnt get too hard on you. Its all about learning to laugh at ourselves isnt it? And then laugh back at life.
But anyhow, limpek have had more lemons thrown my way these lately. And might end up have to resign from my job very soon. With no future plans mapped out yet. Limpek is quite in a fix and lost in thoughts. Can say limpek currently is like the guy didnt wear underwear and didnt pay attention after peeing so end up zipping up on his gugubird. And limpek is the gugubird. Foreskin halfway stuck in zipper already bleeding like hell. Want to pull zipper down will be like double cutting the skin. Continue pull up can also say goodbye to foreskin. In other words, jialat.
This has gotten to limpek quite heavily and blogging to keep the spirit of 'hua-hee-dio-hor' tends to get difficult at times like these. Someone smart once told limpek, "share your sunshine but hide your demons". So limpek will deal with the demon myself.
But anyway limpek just googled 'caught in zipper' and people actually wrote a medical article about it. Quite amazing.
Usually a child has gotten dressed too quickly and not wearing underpants, accidentally pulled up penile skin into his zipper. The skin becomes entrapped and crushed between the teeth and the slide of the zipper, thereby painfully attaching the article of clothing to the body part involved (most often the penis or less often the area beneath the chin).
What to do:
Paint the area with a small amount of povidone-iodine and infiltrate the skin with 1% lidocaine (plain). This will allow the comfortable manipulation of the zipper and the article of clothing.
Cover the area with mineral oil. This lubricates the moving parts and often frees the skin without having to cut the zipper.
If the mineral oil alone does not work, then cut the zipper away from the article of clothing to leave yourself with a less cumbersome problem.
Cut the slide of the zipper in half with a pair of metal snips or an orthopedic pin cutter. The patient is less likely to be frightened if this procedure is kept hidden from his view. If you are unable to break the two halves of the zipper slide apart using a metal cutter, then take two heavy duty surgical towel clamps and place their tongs into the side grooves at both ends of the slide. then grip one clamp firmly in each hand and then twist your wrists in opposite directions. This often will pop the two halves of the zipper slide apart, releasing the entrapped skin.
Pull the exposed zipper teeth apart, cleanse the crushed skin, and apply an ointment such as povidone-iodine.
Tetanus prophylaxis should be administered as needed.
What not to do:
Do not cut clothing if mineral oil releases the zipper.
Do not destroy the entire article of clothing by cutting into it. You only need to cut the zipper away allowing repair of the clothing.
Do not excise an area of skin or perform a circumcision; it onlv creates unnecessary morbidity for the patient.
Discussion
Newer plastic zippers have made this problem less common than in the past, but it still occurs, and it is a very grateful patient who is released from this entrapment.
References:
Nolan JF, Stillwell TJ, Sands JP: Acute management of the zipper-entrapped penis. J Emerg Med 1990;8:305-307.
Kanegaye JT, Schonfeld N: Penile zipper entrapment: a simple and less threatening approach using mineral oil. Pediatric Emergency Care 1993;9:90-91.
This has got to be one of the few biggest trauma limpek had during kindergarten. Baby Gojira that time kena zip up and blood was spilling everywhere. Limpek cry like shit thinking doctor will have to cut off Gojira liao. Then somemore limpek's mother that time dont know what to do, go and call our neighbors for help. And then call her sisters (limpek's aunts). Kaninah they all form one circle around limpek and discussed what to do while limpek in the middle bleeding and screaming and crying for Baby Gojira. Abit like Lord of The Rings, nabeh... Fellowship of the Zipped Penis.
End up limpek's favorite kiddy jeans was cut until small small pieces. Only two pieces of cloth and the zipper left. Kaninah as if butterfly wings grow on Baby Gojira. Then when they pull each cloth apart limpek remember screaming as though Baby Gojira will be gone forever.
A series of unfortunate events on a supposedly typical Tuesday morning.
Limpek's boss was complaining last week because limpek has been late a few times to work. So this week, limpek put extra effort into waking up earlier rather than wasting the ten minutes humping the bolster. Monday was great as limpek actually arrived to the office before any other staff. Tuesday was going great to, timing all ngam ngam already.
Limpek finish my typical morning coffee and ciggie and got into the car. Phone, wallet, ciggie, checked. Time to roll. Turn up the volume, insert car key, turn...
KEK KEK KEK.... spurt spurt..
Hamik!?!?
Turned key again,
KEK KEK... spurt.
....
battery is dead
fuck me.
Limpek checked if anything was left on overnight, but not a single thing. Besides, it has been taking slightly longer to start the engine these lately so limpek kinda guess its the battery that's almost konk. Or the alternator.
There goes limpek's streak of early attendance. Limpek figured I might as well call the boss to inform him so at least he knows that limpek already woke up and didnt just overslept like always.
Limpek : “Morning Boss, I think I’m gonna be late today” (very pek-chek because cant use ‘limpek’)
Boss : “Why?”
Limpek : “My car battery is dead la, cannot start”
Boss : “Really? Last night’s game very nice is it?”
Limpek : “Har? What you mean Boss?”
Boss : “Car cannot start or watch World Cup until cannot wake up?”
Limpek : “Nolar Boss! I didn’t even watch last night’s game!”
Boss : “Are you sure? Car can suddenly not able to start after a nice football match wan eh?”
Limpek : “Walaoeh Boss! You ownself listen…”
*cranks engine. Engine went KEK KEK KEK…silence.*
Limpek : “See?”
Boss : “Sounds like your battery is dead”
Limpek : “Erm… that’s what I said”
Boss : “Then just change or charge battery it doesn’t take much time. Don’t have to take the day off”
Limpek : “Erm… I didn’t say I wanted to take the day off”
Boss : “ … “
Limpek : “ … ”
Boss : “ … “
Limpek : “ ..hello?”
Boss : “You very smart hor?”
Limpek : “Huh?!” (wtf?)
Boss : “I’m busy now don’t disturb me. Hurry up and get it done and get back to work”
Limpek : “Yes boss. Will this be- “
Click Doooooo. Hangup already.
Apparently boss belongs to the generation of chinamen who doesn’t believe in saying “goodbye” or closure in conversations. A lot of the older generations tend to do that. Limpek’s own father used to do that.
“Tomorrow come for dinner.” Click Dooooooo…
“Yes there’s a mail for you in my office.” Click Dooooooo…
“Okay.” Click Doooooo…
“No, can’t make it.” Click Dooooo…
“Umm..” Click Dooooo…
No wonder limpek’s mental abit imbalance. Whole life have to layan these kinda people. Wanna curse somemore cannot, later got puahbai blogger say limpek no substance.
Boh pian lor, limpek borrow car from neighbor Sean (pronounced SHAWN. Not si-en). Sean everyday late for work wan, so he steady pom-pi-pi lend limpek, no problem for him at all.
Limpek go nearby gas station, they don’t sell car batteries. Somemore the makcik asked limpek, got Yamaha motor batteries wanna buy anot. Limpek if got mood will ask the makcik, buy the motor wan to electricute my nipples issit? But no mood so didn’t bother hiu her stupid question. Maybe she just want to hiao with limpek.
End up have to drive 2km away to chao ah beng service center. Those with a lot of Proton that look like transformers wan. Some even have transformer stickers. Kanineh ugly like fuck. If Optimus Prime transform into a car like that, limpek think he will commit suicide first. Straight away go long piak. The cibai spoiler wing can stack 3-4 layers wan, maybe to use to dry clothes.
"Transformers, more than meets the eye"
This kind of ah beng foreman, sure chop your neck and bleed you dry. Limpek also boh pian, because its nearest one already. Ah beng foreman test the battery, not yet 1 minute straight away tell limpek battery cannot save already. Kanineh limpek also knew beforehand what kind of bullshit he going to say.
“You haven’t even charge the battery, how you know it cannot hold a charge anymore?”
Ah beng junior look flustered. Then ah beng junior went to look for ah beng senior. Ah beng senior come and tell limpek.
“En-tao eh, this one our new gadget, can tell current condition of battery wan. You see the meter, if fall below this line ha, meaning is unnatural already. Meaning cannot be saved already”
Limpek also don’t know how to argue with him. Actually quite sien and tired to argue early in the morning also. For what you know, that could be a bicycle tyre pump meter.
“Aiya you like that say limpek also can’t say anything lor. How much is a new battery?”
“En-tao eh, new one got 2 types. Water ones and dry ones. Dry ones RM260.00… Water on-“
“PPBHHHHTT!!!! WHOA!!! TWO HUNDRED SIXTY!!??” (limpek almost spit out breakfast coffee)
“Yes, yes en-tao-eh, RM260 dry one. Water one RM200 only.”
“WHY SO EXPENSIVE!!! BATTERY ONLY LA!! People sell AA battery or AAA battery few ringgit, you sell car battery RM260?! You don’t suan siao limpek ok!”
“En-tao-eh, car battery memang like that wan. You don’t believe you go ask next door foreman. They will tell you the same. You can buy the water one, but gerenti very fast spoil. Not worth it. Spend extra 50 ringgit, maybe will last 5 months more! Not like girl liddat, got water always better!” What an incredible sales pitch. "Not like girl liddat, got water always better". Limpek was impressed for a moment. Actually he was right. Over at Canada and States, limpek used to buy around USD50 for a car battery also. Converted to ringgit, RM260 isnt too surprising. But the problem is over there you earn USD4-5k. Over here you also earn RM4-5k. How? Hongkan lor how. Furthermore the battery usually lasts 3-4 years over there. This shit limpek had, only lasted 1 year 1 month. Somemore this one he’s selling is some weird unknown China brand.
“Don’t worry en-tao-eh. Now we got special offer. Buy 2 free 1. You buy 2 then we pasang the free one. 3 years no need worry”
Siao boh?! Take 3 battery for what? Charge lampahzi one for each ar? Limpek think he thought limpek is big stupid fish. Kanineh what kind of stupid promotion is this, don’t know who go and think up. Want to copy Coffee Bean buy 10 free 1. Mah cipiet!
“Don’t want la. Buy so many batteries, scared world will end ah?”
“Eh, en-tao-eh, don’t like that say, you never know ohh”
Kanineh, he’s right again. On two things. Calling me en-tao and the world might actually be ending. Puahbai senior beng is actually quite a smart fellow.
After paying the damn RM260 limpek quickly rushed home to install the battery. After swapping it limpek only thought about it. What if that bugger was really bluffing and the old battery was actually okay but only drained? And what if limpek’s alternator is the one that is fucked? Meaning cannot recharge the battery. Then this battery will hold for 1 trip and will be killed permanently after that!
But no choice liao. Sean has to leave for work liao. And boss sent another message reminding limpek of the important site evaluation before noon. So limpek say prayers Amitabha, Amen, Insya Allah and hopefully 3 religions will po-pi limpek.
Being late and feeling good about the current engine response, limpek ‘lup’ the pedal and fly my baby to work. Traffic is quite clear (because limpek super fucking late already and its past peak hours) so limpek just keep flying on only.
But something keeps bothering limpek, don’t know why feel like forgot to do something. Think and think also limpek cannot remember.
Then reach the cut-throat toll gate, limpek take-out the Smart Tag, saw an empty sticker on it. Quite curious also, obviously limpek wanted to remind myself of something but didn’t scribble anything on the sticker. Went in the toll gate then only limpek realize.
Supposed to reload credit on the Touch N Go card this morning cause only 20cents left. Hong kan. Too late.
Obviously the gate didn’t magically raise, limpek even almost crash through it. Limpek always fuck those stupid people holding up the Smart Tag lanes in the highway, who would’ve known today it will be limpek’s turn to become stupid.
Worse still, already got 2-3 jokers lining up behind limpek. Wanna gostan change lane also cannot. So limpek frantically press the alarm button on the booth machine, wanting someone to at least let limpek through and park aside.
Then this cibai Nissan van behind limpek keep honking. At first he randomly honked. Limpek kancheong already then keep pressing the toll-booth alarm which no one responded. All the toll officials busy tickling each others testicles issit? Cant even answer alarm!
Then the cibai Nissan van start to honk in melody. Like, honk honk…. honk honk honk….. honk honk honk honk…… honk hoooonkkkkk….. Somemore tarik the last honk. Kaninah limpek also beh tahan this bugger.
Tekan tekan alarm, STILL NO ANSWER! Then this time the van ki siao already, straight away tarik a 3 second hooonnnnkkkk….. followed by another 3 second hoooonnkkk….
Wah limpek really blood also boil. Limpek look behind, knn ccb, all the cars behind the van is gone. So the van can easily reverse and turn to next lane! Limpek tulan liao straight away give them Chivas Royal Salute
After that, all hell break loose. Cibai van straight away go crazy. Honk non-stop 6-7 seconds. Then followed by similar honks one after another. Limpek kek until the vein in the forehead also want to pop out already. Plus the stupid toll cibai officers still don’t want to respond.
At one point the van just pressed the horn and didn't let go.
Can feel the fuse letup already in the head. So limpek grab the pipe kept under the carpet and step out of the car. Then limpek stare at the van. Only then limpek realize inside the van got 4 indon-looking buggers! Somemore quite big size!
HAI LAT limpek thought. So many! Although limpek think limpek quite hero like Ip Man, but realistically, with 4 of them the pipe will probably end up inside limpek’s asshole and out the mouth.
Limpek really tulan until can explode at that point, but still hoping not all of them will step out of car. 1 or 2 enough already. If not, all of them come together, limpek got 10 pipes also no use. So limpek just stand outside my car and stare at the driver. The cipet driver also just stare at limpek inside his van. But at least now he stop honking liao. Kanineh passerby will think this is two lovers staring into each others eyes.
Then the stupid toll officers finally come out and ask for the Smart Tag. The cibai van suddenly let out a honk, swerve to the next lane and drive past us. At the point of passing limpek, they purposely slow down.
Then gave limpek a nice farewell present.
wow.
Never had limpek been fingered so much that it felt like a Japanese gang-bang AV. Suddenly feel abit like Annabel Chong.
KNN CCB!!! Pukitiang! of course limpek tulan until like going to explode any minute! Like those pimple super cooked already, swollen and red and filled with pus. A bit of dust will make it explode.
The stupid toll officer somemore don’t know mumble what fuck, do things slow slow there. By the time they reload limpek’s Touch N Go card, and then reactivate the toll gate, limpek think the Van reach all the way to Thailand already. Wahpiang! Limpek believe can see smoke coming out from my ear.
Then nevermind, forget it, go office first already super late. Supposed to meet with boss there to go site together. Reach the office, boss already left cause running late for the appointment. Limpek call boss, kena fuck again. Boss ask limpek quickly go because some urgent drawings with me.
So limpek packed all the required material and documents, lockup office room and was about to leave. Suddenly feel stomach something wrong. Walaoeh…
Most likely too many Ramly Burgers while watching football yesterday night (yes limpek did watch). Somemore it’s the 4-star kind of funny stomach, that kind if you’re not careful will explode suddenly. But at least not 5-star. If 5-star funny stomach, can forget it and go bomb toilet liao.
But limpek calm down and try to think straight. Slowly load the stuff in the car and soothe my nerves. After some mental meditation, things start to look better and more peaceful.
So limpek start the car.
KEK kek kek kek…. spurt spurt.
...
Tried one more time… KEK KEK… spurt.
Murphy’s Fucking Law. Whatever that can go wrong, will go wrong.
How? Alternator fucked. RM260 for nothing. Meeting late. No transport.
Limpek got no choice but to inform boss what’s going on.
“Hello boss?”
“Ya, what now??”
“My car… cannot start again. I think the alternator is de-”
Click Doooooo….
(When life throws lemons at you, give it the finger and then get over it)
