Malaysia Best New Blogger

Handsome: “Siao ehhh!! (* arrogant smirk on face) lim peh kau lat already la… lim peh ran ten km la! 10 fucking km you know??”

Tobby: “Issit (pretends to be bored, but obviously caught his attention). Aiya how long? Two whole hours is it”

Cliffard: “Ala slowly slowly run, ask me to run 20km also no big deal la”

Tobby: “Yalaaa cheh, don’t have one hour you don’t talk to me la”

Handsome: “Ohhh? You did one hour for 10 km?”

Tobby: “Ahboh ? A couple of minutes pass one hour la… run until face green only can wan la you think wat”

Handsome: “Ohh very hor liao la now? PEI!!! HONGKAN LA!! You ownself see. 45 mins ah (show picture on handphone)!! FOOOOOHHH TEEE FAIIIII minutes ah!! Kaulat boh!? Waa ha ha ha!!”

*silence from the two donkeys... Chui tat lan.

Handsome: “WA HA HA HA kaulat anot!? KAULAT ANOT!? Kauuu lattt laaa”

Tobby: “Walao… serious wan. How now Cliff? Your brother siao liao”

Cliffard: “Err… ha ha (nervous laughter of a man put to shame)”

Tobby: “Wahh cannot liao like that… siao liao siao liao… tomorrow have to start training liao”

Handsome: “WA HA HA HA Slowwwwly train la you! WA HA HA HA by the time you ready, I’ll be running 15km in 60 minues liao la. Jiak sai la HA HA HA ”

*Tobby and Cliffard sibeh kiasu wan. So they looked very tulan already

Tobby: “Aiya... Kenny Sia also can run 42km la what’s the big deal? “

Handsome: “Ha? Tuapuikia Kenny Sia? Hahaha mai siao la!! Dont tok kok ok ?”

Tobby: “Don’t believe you go read his blog. He went all the way to the States just to run that 42km marathon. But of course, don’t know how long he took la. Maybe he was running 7kmh and then walked like 20km of the way”

Handsome: “Kenny Sia wor!!! That fat bastard blogger?! Kenny Sia wor! Nola don’t tok kok. I don’t believe. Siao eh, u think easy ah”

Tobby: “Everybody also know la. Kanineh got time you go read around blogs la, everything also don’t know. Sibeh outdate.”

Handsome: “Ooo ia boh?! Mai hao siao wa oh!!”

Tobby: “Yala! No hao siao you. You don’t know meh? Some more he open a gym in Kuching. I hear very big wan, can fight Celebrity gym wan. Boh kan dan leh”

Handsome: “Har?! Tua pui kia can open gym so hoh seh ah!? Some more run 42km? Blogging can be so kaulat wan meh?! Don’t tok kok la! I mean, some lampah fellow write a bunch of lampah articles on website then can become so lampah hoh seh? Mai siao laaa”

Tobby: “Siao eh. Blogging already damn heng la since 8 years ago. You don’t so sua ku can anot? You know how much those blogger can make anot!? No need to work already la, full time job la! Lagi so glamour, girls all suka”

Cliffard: “Yeah. Weh don’t kua suey that fat bugger k. I hear he makes 40k a month you know?? From writing stupid shit and posting on his blog. Somemore can be super famous. Lampah also can become dragon la! Damn hero dey!”

Handsome: “What the flying fuck!!! Lim pek chao chao also can write better essays than him! Take better pictures than him! Do better photoshop than him! More en tao than him! Body also more keat than him!! How come lim pek only earn fucking 3 thousand a month?!! Work like cibai bangala! Lick taukeh’s lampa! People eat shark fin I eat bah gua! Want to loot china girls but can only afford chui la ba!! Soon money not enuff hafto fuck chao ah gua!! Wah piang eh!!” (no, I never fuck chao ah gua before ok)

Tobby: “wahahaha coz you much more stupid than him!”

Handsome: “knnbccb!! How come blogging so popular wan!? Wtf why nobody tell me wan!”

Tobby: “Kanineh that time you busy fucking around in Canada dowan come back. Now come back liao everything also don’t know. Kam lan la you. Blogging already very heng la. Every Ah-beng Ah-seng Ah-lian Ah-huey also got blog la”

Handsome: “Serious shit ah!? Lau niang! How come you all don’t have blog?!”

Tobby: “Cibai I blog for fucks ah? Work in the jungle everyday, blog about bangala chop oil palm tree ah? Got time I go bet football lagi syok. Make more money”

Cliffard: “Aiya don’t kaupeh la. You mah go follow him write a stupid blog and say stupid things lor. Maybe people will go read your khamlan nonsense. Who knows, many khamlan people like you also hahaha.”

Tobby: “Wahaha damn sohai (stupid vagina). Eight years too late d la! Now people will just say you jump into bandwagon only.”

Cliffard: “Hahaha yala. But since you say until like you can really write. Worse come to worse, we read your blog once a week lor. Who knows, maybe got one or two siao lang will like to read your nonsense”

(my brother sibeh supportive wan… puah bai!!)


Suddenly, sitting in the kopitiam under the jambu tree… I had my revelation. Like last time Buddha sit under the Bo tree get enlightened. Then Mohammad was sleeping in the cave also got angel’s message. Martin Luther dreaming halfway get enlightened. Anwar kena whack in jail that time also enlightened. Ong Ka Ting pangsai halfway also get revelation… want to become MCA president again.


My revelation under the jambu tree:


My name is Handsome Garren Teow. I have many things to say, but nobody wants to listen. I want to be a blogger. And say things I'm not supposed to say. Because I see things I'm not supposed to see. So I'll tell you things you're not supposed to hear. This will be my blog! Here I talk you listen. After you listen, if you beh song, you can tiao me in the comments. Welcome to my blog!