Iron Man 2 Malaysia Release, War Machine and James Bond evolution

Malaysia Release: 30 APRIL 2010



Iron Man 2 sioottttt... I mean, what more can you ask for? Ahh but of course just like orgasms we cannot help but want more more more!!! so they give you

Whiplash!

Scarlett "tetek" johansson as Black Widow . Olivia munn as Iron Maiden (?) limpek donno hamilan is that. Iron maiden is not a metal band meh?


And the most stim cum on face wan of course is --->

WAR MACHINE!!! WAHHHH SIOOKKKK!!!!

Although as expected, the Malaysian language will probably just butcher the translation into something like "MESIN PERANG". Walaoeh. Or "Jentera Perang"? It'll be something like,

Kini membuka di semua pawagam..... ORANG BESI 2 !!! Juga mempamerkan watak Jentera Perang, Janda Hitam, Pompuan Besi dan.... wah kanineh whiplash is what ar? Si Momentum Yang Menolak Balik Sesuatu Tenaga Yang Dihalakan Sesuatu Arah?

Sori la, quite obvious limpek Bahasa is fail along with Fizik.

But Don Cheaddle as Jentera Perang... abit fail lor dont you think? I mean, look at him:

I mean, he's like Mr Hotel Rwanda lor. How to expect him to kick ass?


nahbeh, abit beh tahan lor. War Machine is like, stim stim shiny shiny somemore got tua tua ki gun on the shoulder (as if want to compensate on the metal emptiness down there in the metal speedos). But the tua tua ki gun on the shoulder is sibeh steady. Carry around one tua tua ki shiny shiny dick gun, limpek think sibeh got psychological sex appeal lor. Holywood also know. Thats why you see James Bond gun... last time like this

start with soi soi ki, skinny skinny wan



then the shaft thickens abit, overall more filling



whoa then tua tua ki t'ng t'ng already, somemore got head extension




=_=''' .... "limpek soot ka ee hao ar!!"

So you see, tua tua ki really make a difference wan. People want to see tua tua ki. Guys want to see what objects can secretly compensate for their natural small guns. Girls want to see because see liao actually feel quite song, panties abit moist. Dr Freud the hamsap doctor got explain before this is call "Penis Envy". He say the girls actually also longing for a penis. The more tua ki penis the more 'sha qi' (killing aura). Thats why gun can represent penis. They also want to hold it and have it and feel powderful. Why? Limpek also donno. Siao? Limpek donno also you better ask Dr. Freud.

So based on the trend of dick gun getting more tua ki, limpek think couple years from now James Bond will be like this.... with Robert Pattinson lipstick boy because he's young and alot girls wet their panties when they see him --->

tua ki enough for you?

oh by the way if you're hot chio bu and bored and want to watch Ironman 2 with lonely limpek, please let me know. I will be very polite and good and buy you ticket and popcorns and drinks and promise wont touch your nehneh halfway.

Datuk Hee Yit Foong Jelapang Frog and what Social Butterfly really is

Sheeyiit Foong awarded a Datuk?!? KNNCCB wat the flying fuck! Limpek thought Datukship can only award to people wan? How come frogs also can get awarded? Thanks to this corrupted jumping frog who switched from Pakatan to Barisan's brothel, the whole Perak state is lost back to BN last year.

Limpek really beh tahan this ugly frog. last time Jelapang people all see she is a female and handicapped and chinese so they kesian her and voted for her. Mana tau this nabeh everyday only busy fighting to request her Toyota Camry. Then see Pakatan cannot cari makan liao quickly switch! Puah bai!

Raja Petra revealed last time this blardy frog took RM20 million from gahmen through Berjaya's big pai kia Vincent Tan to jump ship to Barisan. Today somemore get Datukship. What is this shit? Aftersales bonus ar? Like, "tankyucomeagain" gesture?

Ninabeh the 20 million you think from who leh? From us stupid taxpayers la. Limpek have to save everyday, buy pirate dvd instead of go movie until girls also tulan... gahmen song song take our money to buy a frog! Puah bai!

Auntie Shit Foong, your Jelapang people vote for you because they really believe you and think you can speak for them. Because they got no voice. When gahmen fuck their backside, rob their money and then pee on their plantation, they thought they can rely on you to speak for them. Because they got no voice. When they see you as a woman and handicapped to top it off, they think you are more reliable and trustworthy because you understand life's struggle. Because they have no voice! You where can like that fuck them over? Somemore get Datukship to guai lan!

People Lee Chong Wei awarded Datuk because whack badminton kau kau lat. Or Nicol David squash kau kau lat. Or Michelle Yeoh acting kau kau lat. Or Jimmy Choo design kau kau lat. Or Siti Nurhaliza sing kau kau lat. Puah bai you do what kau kau lat? Kiap your buttock together kau kau lat when service the gahmen men issit?


Nabeh dowan say liao la. Say more high blood pressure. Say what also no use. Now Datuk Hee can go heeee heeee heeee anyway.

So limpek was asked on earlier post what butterfly is. Wahseh, nowadays got this type of innocent guys also. Very good la, Goldfish Uncle also see the beauty of innocence sometimes. Sometimes only la. Like when limpek take off pants, girls go EEKK!! Jiang Ta Ge!! Bu Yao!!! That kind of innocence is very steady.

Basically butterfly is a system designed by these creative sharks of sleazy KTV. You think only big big company got fancy fancy marketing lirector? Only Coca Cola know how to increase bottle size bigger and bigger make you buy more? No!! Sleazy KTV got sleazy lirector also!!

Long long time ago 1 creative-shark sleazy lirector say, why not we make our chio bus more active. One hot chio bu should be able to service alot of people mah! Each room they let chikopeks touch touch play play for 15 mins, then proceed to next room. Then eventually rotate back to same room. In the end, 1 chio bu can service up to 10 rooms! If some chao ahpek very rich and lansi want to book, no problem. We charge them RM300. Then save the trouble of going here and there and let many smelly uncle hands touch. But if no booking, go butterfly style RM70 only! That way if service 10 rooms for a night can get rm700 liao!! WIN-WIN!!!

You see? sleazy lirector is no joke wan... take their work very seriously. That is how the 'butterfly' system came to birth lor. One sleazy lirector one day camping pangsai on the bushes nothing to do, so mah observe nature. Then he see see got alot butterfly, like to hinggap on this flower, suck suck the essense, then hinggap on next flower, suck suck the essense again and so on and so forth. So sleazy lirector also become very enlighten. So sleazy lirector want their chio bus become like butterfly also, suck suck your money here, then hinggap next room, suck suck your friend's money there. But the downside is many chao apek will twist your nipples until out of shape the next morning. Nowadays it has become the standard system worldwide on ktvs and even GRO pubs.

Funny thing is alot of gong char bohs nowadays like to simply coin the term. Especially the younger gen clubber gong char bohs. Simply simply call themselves social butterfly. Wahseh lucky limpek didnt straight away reach out and perah susu and twist her nipples when limpek hear that. Hahaha. Siao charboh, butterfly means when its their turn (when you reach their table) all the chao uncles will give u money and tekan your nehneh ok? dont simply simply say.

Daniel Wu and Hollywood

Short post today, limpek going for a short vacation.

My friend keep insisting that the burka army lady in the pic i posted before look like Daniel Wu. Got meh?

vs

got mehh???



Siao la. Where got same. Sibeh khong kham. I think he is just jealous because people more hemsem. He only qualified to be Daniel's Shoe. But limpek must agree he look suitable for that pic also. Got alot of Sha Qi (killing aura)!!!

Maybe can consider do a movie? Like how the angmoh now like to make terrorist movie donno what hurt locker, the green zone, black cock down and those nonsense. You know those angmoh la, everything also must hero. Other race slowly take turn to be their bad guys. Sibeh nah lan. The black people all rapper, gangster, stay as sidekick make stupid jokes. The chinese all pai kia, kung fu, sibeh ah beng type. The italians, all mafia, tok love here tok love there, hair oily oily. The japanese, all sibeh hi tech, sibeh hamsap and gugujiao very small. The arabs all look very smelly, wan to bomb themselves. Puah bai hollywood. Eat shit la.

You see how hero they are? if an angmoh want to become samurai, he can learn in few days and become top samurai and kill all the japanese samurai and fuck your japanese wife. If an angmoh want to become top blue 8 foot alien creature, he can come learn swing your trees ride your dragon and become top blue 8 foot alien. And then fuck your blue alien tribe princess. If angmoh wan to become super sakai, he can learn make fire and dance cha cha with the wolf and become top sakai.

So dont play play. Hollywood say: No matter what you do, if the angmoh want, the angmoh can do better. Limpek say: Hollywood, suck my lampah. I am sure you can do that better.

Jenna Jameson really can though.

But too bad alot of asians really believe that. The white man's burden thing where the angmohs are responsible to educate and make us more civilized and become ultimate beings like them. Thats why alot of sarong party girls out there love the angmohs to party in their sarongs.

But make no mistake!!! Godzilla is made in Japan!! GOJIRA they call it!!! And now, it resides in MALAYSIA! and in the full custody of Goldfish Uncle.

Back to the movie... maybe Daniel Wu should really consider. He already got the tulan look liao. He can play emo emo and look very hurt. Like they canto people always say... "NGO HOU HURT GA... NEI ZHI MA? zhan hai hou HURRTT gaaa". It's cool yaw. Can bring a change to Hong Kong movie industry no?

Papaya Farm, Multitasking and Tissue

So the following nite they are very hamsap already. Early early Tobby message come liao.

"Tmr wan go papayafarm. Red Ruby in Menara MBA. Who ons?"

Of course limpek change the real name abit la. Later Wanita MCA come protest again. Nabeh that bunch of menopause auntie. Just because their husbands see their backside can touch the thigh already, nehneh can fling over shoulder, then dowan to fuck them... then the aunties wan to come and shut down every hamsap entertainment for us decent young men. Siao wan.

Want to control husband is not liddat wan mah auntie... open mouth only POK PEK POK PEK kaauupeehhh kauuubuuuu... walaoeh who still got mood for sex!? Got time go keep fit abit, jogging abit, aerobic abit... then learn belly dancing and pole dancing. Then when u shake shake for your husband looking like sexy hot bitch... then song song rape kau your husband, boh song dont let them touch... see they want you more boh? Sure work wan. If you want more tips, e-mail goldfish uncle.

Oh back to story, so of course limpek say ons la. Limpek like very free and lonely, always nothing to do. Life is very weird wan, limpek so hemsem and cool, why life still so lonely? Nevermind... like the angmoh always say.. "ITSS COOOLLL YAWWW". Somemore limpek want to go because limpek like to hang out with friends. Also because limpek is quite hamsap.

So limpek SMS back "ITSS COOOLL YAWWW". I also feel more cool liao.

Nabeh mana tau end up only limpek, Tobby, Weeman and Tobby's friend Ah Chai and Sydney (what kind of lampah name is that). Surprisingly Tiong Beng, Dumbo and Cliffard didnt come. Since papaya farm is like their sole purpose in life. My brother Cliffard somemore sound like having period like that moody, must be kena taruk from wife because always go drink until come back smell like bangkali.

So we explore Red Ruby ourselves lor. The place so-so only. Typical of Malaysian B-grade papaya farm. Room half smaller than La Vega or Champain (aiya kanineh if you papaya-lover you also know where I'm talking about no need explain). Karaoke system is kanasai. But still got some new songs and better than those C-grade farm like Wild Tiger. But sing sing halfway the mic bottom can fall off wan ninnabu! Spoil limpek's sexy Leehom voice only. The beer is RM80 per jug!!! Kan lin lau hia!!! Pee out by God of Fortune wan ar?

The girls are so-so la. Mai hiam beh pai la. The reason is, here is all local girls... Malay, Chinese, Sabahan... all Malaysian. I also feel sibeh 1MALAYSIA. Although no indian girl. Don't ask me why. If I say anything you sure say limpek racist.

So here there wont be any xiao long nus lor. The boss want to protect local business, very patriotic hor don't you think so? Too bad la cause Goldfish Uncle always prefer xiao long nus. But of course the locals are always more siao char boh can play more extreme wan.

I picked a chinese girl, Doreen, so-so only. Can talk can sing can drink but cannot play. Want to tekan her nehneh also must penetrate Buddha 1000 hands defense system. I felt like limpek play Starcraft like that, "primary defense system, engaged!!". "Command center under attack!!". Puah bai.

After a while limpek just think, "kaninah so mahfan just to tekan nehneh. If have to waste so much energy and attention, I might as well go find a girlfriend?". Then limpek also lazy tekan already. So next time if you go, you want to tekan nehneh, dont find Doreen. But if you want harmless good fun and company, find Doreen. Or bring your girlfriend.

Tobby and Weeman's "nasi lemak" girls lagi jialat. Come in for 15mins, like sibeh kaulat liddat. Rub gugujiao, lick their nipples, finger finger and all the sleazy goodness. Then they left for butterfly (because we are very cheap and poor, dowan to book). Then whole night never come back! Wahlaoeh!! Then how? Tobby play with Weeman's gugu and Weeman finger Tobby's kah ch'ng? Hahahaha. "IT'S COOOOL YAWWW"

But the most kaulat is Tobby's friend Ah Chai. He already pre-book this chinese girl, KK, because this chicken worm is kiasu like Tobby also. He always go there and spot this girl before already. Because last time Weeman book her before, she somemore let Weeman finger finger her and wanted to kiss Weeman. But Weeman that time can smell she just puke so got abit of char kuey teow and kangkung belacan aroma. Weeman faster faster siam la. Then that time Ah Chai asked Weeman if he can kacau KK. Weeman said okay lor cause he also beh tahan the kueyteow kangkung smell, but next thing he know, Ah Chai was French kissing this KK. Hahaha this guy really khong kham wan. Go play roll the char kuey teow + kangkung belacan back and forth between their mouths.




Sibeh geli dont you think? People always think French kiss very romantic. Romantic ji koh LAN la limpek say.

But this time is kaulat. While my Doreen is out butterflying, of course limpek take opportunity faster sing song until song song la. Limpek is Leehom voice mah, don't play play. So I syok syok singing, Ah Chai start to touch here touch there with KK already.

Then it was KK turn to sing, so she stand up (but I think she want to siam the chikopek Ah Chai). But while she was standing and singing, Ah Chai go hug her from the back and start to tekan her nehneh. He somemore hug until tight tight, smell the hair, bury the face on the neck, one hand on the nehneh and one hand on the waist, whispering sweet nothings into her ear. HAHAHAH PUAH BAI!!! I think he feel sibeh romantic!! Hahahaha ROMANTIC LANJIAO AH!! Watch too much Titanic ah kaninahhhhh!! Sibeh khong kham! hahaha.




One is a sleazy 30yr old apek just married few years ago and another one is a mabuk prostitute. If this is call romantic, then when I help my first ex to pick up her dog shit last time mah sibeh romantic until super WET? Kanineeeeeeh why she somemore ask me dont touch her must go wash hand first! "ITS NOT COOOOL YAWWWW" i should have said

Then nehmind, after he play love-story stim stim liao then he start to finger finger KK. Then KK slowly move her hand back to touch Ah Chai's small gugu. Then she start playing with the small gugu with one hand behind her back and one hand holding the mic singing!

Wahlaoeh, like that also can multi-tasking! Its like limpek can pangsai, smoke, drink coffee, read comic and listen music at the same time. Really must salute salute.


So limpek tell her "Eh, you go play his gugu and let me sing la dont char siao char pi." So I hijack the mic already and become sexy Leehom voice again. But KNNCCB!! How to perform like rock star when beside me limpek keep hearing Ah Chai moaning OOOOHHHH~~~ AAHHH~~~~ YESSSS~~~ MOMMY DADDY~~~ (ok la, no mommy daddy la, that is very sick liao).

So I try my best to ignore la, kanineh boh huat. Then after he moan here moan there like he is going to melt to the carpet, suddenly I hear:

"EHH SYDNEY! TISSUE TISSUE!! FASTER!! PASS ME TISSUE!!"

Limpek and Sydney also bengang dont know what happened. Then Sydney also very khong kham pass him one tissue. Then Ah Chai:

"EHH MORE MORE MORE!! SHIT, stain everywhere liao!! TISSUE!!"

Wah kaninah then only I realize this siao tar bo already pancut liao.

Can you believe it?

Standing like that? with one hand behind her back, touch touch abit only about 3 minutes?



How is that even possible!? You cook maggie, maggie ngam ngam cooked liao can eat liao he already pancut in that position.

Either this KK got the ultimate Goddess Venus hands... or this sampat Ah Chai will pancut everytime he shake his gugu after he pee.

Can you imagine that? Everytime want to pee... open zip... flip out gugu... ppsssssss.....drip drip....shake shake.... AAHHH~~ OOHH~~ YESS~~ cum liao



then... TISSUE TISSUE!!!!

Further Ninja Info and Knock On Door Malaysian Prostitutes

spurred by hot ger DBKL chin because she make me wet my pants feel inspired, I investigate the ninjas further

I fought all their behs...




and then rip off the mask of their Malaysia division commander

he tried to bribe me with sex offers, limpek was tempted by the sotong lips... but the misai tickling limpek's balls, cannot la.

edit: pic taken was edited randomly from online pictures, pic is fake! Please dont throw me in jail. I dont like to kena cucuk backside.

then i found out the leader for the World Ninja Organization...



FUAAAA doesnt the ass just make you want to bury your face there? Tiger is really kaulat. DBKLChin's dream come true liao. No need to investigate further. Case close! (before I really masuk Kamunting).


Ok back on track, 2 days ago got a call from Weeman. So Weeman told me, the night before supposed to loot this girl, Kim her name. Tobby ajak him wan, introduced by this chicken worm Ah Chai. Ah Chai say until she how good how wonderful, as though Kim wrote the book on Kanna Sutra.

So Tobby being the ‘Number One Chicken Worm’, don’t try also cannot wan lor. This Tobby is super jialat disturbingly hamsap wan. In his 30 years of life, he had loot almost a thousand girls liao. And being close to him, limpek can confirm that it is true. But of course almost 95% of the girls are professional chicken la. But still, a thousand girls at 30 years old? Something is just wrong with his head. And he self admitted he pak zui cheng at least 3 times a day. Kaninah this kind of sick hamsap… really cannot save already. Lucky he got money to burn, if not he will go and fuck the pillow kepit together everyday. That time want to sleep also he will feel smelly.

So he ajak Weeman to go loot this Kim, staying at KL Cheras condo. She is those local freelance one, marketing by word of mouth wan. Those you call ahead to book (if want to confirm) or you can go straight and knock on door.

Those type I really dont like lor. Its a real nabeh system. You go there, knock-knock, open door then see her okay, then loot.

But what if knock-knock, open door, liddat -->

Then how? ... Jialat lor how


You cannot just say “Eh erm, ahmoi, I suddenly want to pangsai la. Bye bye!” and leave. Why?

1. That is just a very cibai thing to do to a person (yes, a chicken is still a person. People also got feelings wan).
2. You spoil the reputation for the person who give you contact. Next time nobody wan to intro you liao lor.

So Weeman, being just as chikopek as Tobby, of course said yes la. I assumed one was going to wait for another. Weeman took off from work early, giving some cock excuse to the boss and snuck off. No wonder economy cannot recover but the xiao long nus can still earn RM30k monthly. Kaninah last time employees all ponteng go drink teh. Now ponteng all go drink milk. Malaysians really know how to enjoy.

Mana tau when he called Tobby to meet up and go together

“Eh, cancel la, today cannot la. I forgot that I promised others to play football”

“Har? Football lanjiao ah! Walaoeh ah hia… now you tell me. I didnt pak zui cheng two days already lehh, keep alot ammo for today liao. Factory over production! Going to fire 2 full cannons. Now you wanna give me blue balls?"

"Aiyo boh huat. I promised last week d"

“You really kanineh wan. Then nevermind la you just give me the contact I will go myself”

“Erm… Dowan la. Wait first la”

“Har? Why? Wait what?”

“Next time la… next time we go together..”

“Har? Why la? I can go first mah”

“Nola…”

“???”


“I... I want to loot her first la...”



"HA!?? PUAHHH BAII!!!"

You say got tulan anot? This kind of fucker... find ayam also must kiasu.

I think Weeman should just wait. Then next time Tobby go, he just follow along. Then let him loot first. Halfway while he's having fun poking her, Weeman go behind him and give him surprise ram up his kah ch'ng. Wahahaha. See if he will accidentally ejaculate. Hahaha.

Okay but the next night we did go out to have fun. Post it up tomoro. Sibeh sleepy liao so late. Photoshop and blogging really quite tiring wan. No wonder the cheesie hot ger become so skinny. But donno why kenny sia still so fat. Tomoro la

Malaysian Ninja

--

I KNEW IT!!!!

EAST TIMOR police declare war on mysterious 'ninjas'


NINJAS EXIST!!!

this kind of body is really make people tu lan

Actually Malaysia also got alot of agent!!





they like to go shopping at pavillion or star hill center wan.



they like to shop LV prada, so actually inside they are very fashion. Deadly deception!




sometimes they very hostile, show you tiger ninjitsu stance





but if you show them you got teeth, can scare them. Then they will call beh (backup).

or maybe they update twitter... i donno






You think they look sampat, awkward and obvious?


think again....

because with this,




plus this --->











then u turn off the lights....

who die now?

...

Retire Age Move to 60!

Civil Service Retirement Age Move to 60! (click to see malaysia insider article)

Siao boh!!! During 2008 they move from 56 to 58. Limpek count count… abit boh ngam lor! Limpek now 28 lah, based on this year need 32 more years only can retire (at 60). But ha, if every two years the ccb gahmen wan to propose two years delay, that means going at this rate, by 60 years old (32 years later), will increase 32 years already! That means based on the giraff…. limpek can only retire at... 92 years old!!!


SIAO BOH!!!??

Like that?! --->

This gahmen really puah bai wan!! Already limpek everyday smoke Marlboro smoke until lung black black, want to live until 92 years old already is tok kok sing song liao. Can live until 60 also must curi curi laugh already. Ccb want to work until 92 years old only can get pencen? This is the pencen our puah bai gahmen will give you?

Kaninah easy, no need send poslaju no need maybank2u. Put your name burn in the kitchen can already.

KI SI LA!!! Talk cock!!! Then this article continue somemore to try and justify it:

“ It is understood that Cuepacs favours the change, having once submitted a memorandum to raise the retirement age to 60 as seen in other countries or 62 in the case of Singapore.”

Waraoeh! want to compare with Singapore! We already know Singaporeans all sampat crazy work until ki siao wan mah. All work until jump from HDB wan. Their big boss Lee also become walking corpse already still want to influence wat. We want to follow?

This cipet gahmen always like this smart in comparing wan. When people say they no democratic, gahmen will compare to Myanmar or Burma or those puah bai countries everyday fight and kill by dictators wan. Then say Malaysia sibeh good. Only got cow-head protest. When people say they got no development, gahmen will compare to Sri Lanka, Pakistan or those puah bai countries people pangsai at the roadside wan. Then say Malaysia got F1 circuit, twin tower. Twin lampah la! Ask them compare first-world countries or those country rich with natural resources wan and see? Why cannot compare with the best must always compare with poorer countries?? How come we buy car also must take 7 years to finish pay? By the time the car is really yours, your brand new Honda civic also become classic collector vintage civic no longer in production liao. Or you can buy the milo tin proton. Once accident, can say bye bye liao u also become milo powder. Can burn more Hell money. In other modern countries, where got buy car pay in almost a decade wan ah hia!?

And then the house. Buy 1 lampah house pay in 10-20 years. You buy a puppy the puppy also become old and die already, the house still not yours! Puah bai!

Then suddenly my boss say "you kaupeh what... that is just for the government servants. Dont let them retire mah good la. Already they so lazy and never do anything, retire already langsung no need to work. Dont even have to pretend to be busy while surfing facebook. Who pay? We pay leh. Government servants? ki si lah!"

sweat. My boss knows about the staff's daily facebook slacking.

"then boss, when u think is good to retire?"

"retire for fucks ah? I not going to retire until at least 70 la!"

SWEAT.

First reader, Chikopeks & Noisy Bed

Let’s not talk about anal today la. Since this morning until now has been laosai-ing like third-world country. The last thing I wanna hear is things going in or out of assholes. We’ll continue that story next time…. Don’t worry, Goldfish uncle everything also don’t have, but got a lot of time.

On a sidenote, limpek have a single reader finally!!! Carrie I shall forever commemorate you as my first and sole reader and feel forever indebted to you. Since limpek really thought only my pantat chikopek friends will come to this site and check whether I got reveal their dirty secrets anot. Who knows finally got 1 person bother to read!! HA!! DIE YOU KANINEHS!!! Sommore I check her website, 'cheddarina' WAHHH SHE IS ACTUALLY A HOT CHIO BU!! Title there already can see one sibeh hot amoi!! Hoh seh liao la!!! Wahh limpek must’ve done a lot of charity last life, give to humankind. Maybe limpek last time is sun yat sen? That’s why so brillian? Can sing like Michael Jackson? Hemsem like Kutchee Ashton? see… somemore can rhyme. Jia hua hee already.

Then I see punya see, mana tau….. SHE IS MARRIED LIAO!!!

straight away limpek...

Aihh... 28 year old uncle… really cham… going to be alone…. whole life liao… me and four walls…世上只有妈妈好~~~

Suan le ba, life's like that

So, supposedly sleeping through a hangover from last night's kaulat party at Zouk, limpek asyik kena woken up by SMS from the bunch of blardy chikopeks. First one was from Tiong Beng.

"I hav to admit. Age catching up. Really really cannot drink n work nex morning. Si beh suffer now, waiting to close shop n rest. But 2nite sure kena punishment from wife, for yesterday MIA"

Tiong Beng is open IT shop in shopping mall wan. So never have holiday or weekend off wan. Sibeh ke-lian. I malas to layan the sms, went back to sleep. Then sms from my brother Cliffard

"Tiong Beng, u r da man la.. apo ni, share la. Sms circulate us 4 only, so scared for wat. Whr u loot her? Hahaha"

Then Tiong Beng:

"D story is yesterday Tobby completely fuck up. Cliffard and Weeman hav to jaga him take home. Leaving me, Dumbo and Garren. Dumbo left and I fetch Garren home coz his car in Kepong. Sync our cover story k!"

Nabeh by now I also quite awake d. Early morning sms fly here fly there... all details sommore so complicated.

Then Weeman's turn.

"TB kau lat ha. Loot her in ur car ala jack neo style isit?"

Then Tiong Beng.

"At her apart at damansara. Stupid cheap bed, like gonna collapse, so noisy! Told me nex time my place. Siao Boh! but she WET man I tell ya! Left my wallet there! And she know im married. Weeman. ur doing? Full story nex time la. Chipet Cliffard, SMS, wan the whole world to know AR!"

At this point I was laughing like gugujiao already about the bed. Imagining it going EE-O-EE-O-EE-O like those old bicycle when you never oil the chain. Then somemore the capital WET... hahaha why must put capital leh? Puah bai this Tiong Beng. I was thinking maybe this is not regular wet, but like melimpah limpah pouring waterfall wet! thats why must put capital! Hahaha. Maybe she pee on you la Beng! Then somemore go and leave wallet there. Wah, if limpek is the girl, limpek will phone him...

"Eh siao eh... tomoro you go and sell your IT shop. Sell everything. Then I want RM300,000. I give you until friday. You dowan? You dont love your wife? What you think if I tell your wife and show him this wallet? That time see who wet? When your shit also come out I see your pants wet anot?!"

HAHAHA. Sibeh hongkan liao this Tiong Beng. Hahaha when he give the RM300,000 (this guy sure got wan la, very hoh seh wan his business) then the girl can buy big big emperor size bed. Hahaha. Then wont collapse already. But Tiong Beng's piggy bank will collapse. Inside khang-khang no support.

Wah but this girl ha, not bad wan, quite chio wan. Without makeup limpek not sure la, because she seem to use quite heavy make up. She is those oobak oobak type, meaty meaty, so got quite some lingkus on her. Tiong Beng always also like these oobak girls. Always also say those more wet. Kaninah I think maybe his gugu skin very sensitive. Abit of friction will tear off from the head. But the weird thing is, his wife is SIBEH SIBEH skinny wan! Like tek-ko liddat skinny. Go figure.

These chikopeks really mong kang wan. Wan to hamsap then dont get married mah. Like limpek. Stay single. Give alot of Godzilla love to many amois. Let them use me to fill whatever emptiness they have in their life. They know at that Godzilla moment I truly love them and want them to be happy wan. Then enough for them liao. Even if it last only for that moment. Enough for limpek also. Because outside in real world all also fake wan.

But Tiong Beng must thank me for giving him the last minute encouragement. At the end of the nite, it was only left me, my date Twinkie, Tiong Beng, that girl Crystal,

and her original date Forgot-His-Name. Yes, originally she brought a date along wan. Hahaha. But that yuppie nerd is like gong gong liddat somemore selamba drink people's brandy never offer to pay. At first we just layan layan abit lor. Then everybody left already because those puki cannot drink but wanna banzai end up puking everywhere and left us. Then I just suddenly felt bored and want to go home liao, so I turn to Tiong Beng and told him "Eh, what you waiting for? bring her back liao la. I cover for you and distract mister yuppie there". Then I proceed to go purposely talk to mister yuppie. Waraoeh... these yuppie type guys, really sien kah nah lan. Talk to him limpek feel limpek better talk to my Godzilla. My Godzilla also more interesting than the things he talk about.

Then next thing I know, Tiong Beng really sneak off with Crystal! Kaulat! Hahaha that girl didnt even say anything to yuppie gongkia u know? Girls really horrible. Just disappear suddenly and go play oos-oos. Right after that I boh layan yuppie d and continue goreng goreng dirty dancing with my darling date Twinkie. Then went home and pengsan. Cibai u fuckers must believe me, I didnt bring Twinkie home la. Still got some goodness left in Goldfish uncle ok?

By the last sms, i suddenly remember "Oh SHITTT!!! Cibai liao!!! supposed to go pray grandfather for ching bing this morning."

Hongkan lor, another reason for my old man to tiu me kau kau lat. And maybe left rm100 for me in the will. Aiya fuck it la... nothing new. But hopefully ah kong will not blame me and continue po pui po pui me ok? Thank u thank u, pls make me huat tat and hua hee this year ok? rest in peace.

First Anal Adventure

The first time I poked an asshole, I was 17 years old. No, by asshole I don’t mean Ibrahim Ali (of malay supremacist organization PERKOSA) nor do I mean our asshole of a gahmen. I wouldn’t poke a single finger on that racist, hatred-stirring Shitbrahim although I wish Anwar will do him a favor and just ram his butthole. Our gahmen instead have their dicks too deep into all our assholes that it’s quite impossible for us to reach around to poke them back. Unless you’re flexible like this:

as u can see from diagram... gahmen people are very hairy. Because they're very lazy. Yes, hairy = lazy.

But nabeh you Asians where got so tua ki? That’s why I’m proud of my Godzilla. But my Godzilla also cannot go so long like that. So Malaysians all have very loose assholes and no problem with constipation since we get fucked by gahmen so often. But they’re smart enough to ban sodomy. So basically they can fuck our asshole but we cannot fuck theirs.

But I cannot help thinking, how come what we put in our asshole also must ask their permission? If people wanna put dick inside, then mah let them lor. If people wanna put banana also, boh pian lor… they song mah… why you must tell them they cannot? What about vagina then? If they put dildo, unnatural also mah… kena lokap also? Then tampon how? Or must rate whether the girl syok boh syok wan? If syok then masuk jail, if no syok then its fine. Then you girls better tahan and don’t be aroused.

Then should they come out with a list with what can be inserted into your backside/vagina? Waraaoeh, Approved Vaginal/Anal Insertion Object List: 1) Tampon 2) Diaper Plug 3) Contraceptive IUD 4) Cucumber ,etc… puah bai!! Gahmen really khamlan wan.

Back to topic, at 17, I committed a crime in Malaysia. I had anal sex. It was my first girlfriend, May, and she was two years older than me so she’s more heong. I remember I was fucking her that time, doggy style, and then I noticed when she ‘came’ that time her asshole pucker up, like tighten, open, tighten, open liddat and she was sighing and moaning like sibeh song. (of course song la kanineh my Godzilla not play play wan). That time I remember thinking, ‘wahh.. if my godzilla inside that tiny asshole that time and she pucker up close and open liddat… mah sibeh song!?’. So I continue doing her until I knew she was about to come again, then I started fingering her asshole la. Wahlaueh I remember it was damn kau tight and had to use a shit load of saliva to squeeze my finger in.

Then it was the most kaulat feeling. I feel as though my finger is stuck in the vacuum cleaner pipe liddat… siiibeehhh suction kaukau and then somemore got pulsating feeling. That time I know, beh hoh seh liao lah…. If I put Godzilla inside I will be in heaven. Of course that time I try not to think of the leftover chocolate cake stuck inside. Or the possibility of Godzilla kena fart. If not Godzilla will run and hide under turtleneck liao.

But that time she beh song d, complained very pain. Kanineh index finger only so small she already say pain, if I let Godzilla go in play then she mah lausai for one year? So I just I just insert abit and finger halfway while we fuck lor. I thought let her learn to enjoy abit abit first. Next time only go all the way. Its like driving liddat mah, must first gear second gear then later on only can go last gear. If not engine straight away die. But that was my first time fascination with fuck backside. Although not yet get to fuck backside. But I will update again next time what happened after that. Last time 17 years old abit paiseh to buy lubricant in 7-11 mah… you know lah usually the Minah Tudung will look at you one kind. Later they bisik bisik pointing pointing in the shop…. I very paiseh leh 17 years old only leh. So without KY Jelly and needing extra extra lubricant, what did you think I used?

Correct guess I will send you a packet of KY Jelly.

Continue later, boss kaupeh already.

p/s: will i get thrown in jail by the gahmen from writing this?